Personal

21/4/2017

What sense do you make of categorical, definitive statements? For example, ‘This book is excellent.’ ‘That person is annoying.’ Could it be that such truth claims say more about the person making them, perhaps also about the beliefs and values of the cultural worlds they inhabit, than who or what they are referring to? In coaching, what could they reveal about embedded, hidden and often subconscious assumptions, perspectives, constructs, needs, hopes, fears and expectations?

I had a difficult conversation tonight. Some close neighbours have 2 dogs that they leave outside barking and a son that kicks his football against the wall, fence and bins. The noise, the persistent intrusive disturbance, drives me crazy. I tried to tackle it in polite conversation but it ended badly. The neighbour was angry and frustrated with me and slammed the door with a loud bang as the conversation came to an abrupt end. I walked away feeling shaken, disappointed and stressed.

It is easy to imagine the kind of statements we could now be making about each other inwardly and, perhaps, outwardly in conversation with others. ‘That bloke is so inconsiderate!’ ‘That guy is so over-sensitive.’ It’s as if the statements we project convey objective, incontrovertible truths about the other, statements of what-is rather than statements of subjective opinion, of cultural possibility and, at a deeper level, of veiled revelations of how we are feeling and the pain and hurt of unmet need.

I worked with one leader, Richard Marshall, who took this principle very seriously. Every time I or another made a definitive statement, he would challenge us to personalise it. So, for example, ‘This meeting is a waste of time’ would be reframed as something like, ‘I feel frustrated in this meeting and would prefer to do X’. The effect was transformational. It surfaced underlying values and needs and made them explicit. So, is my neighbour unreasonable? I don’t know. I just need peace and quiet.

70 Comments

Cath Norris

22/4/2017 07:34:42 am

Hi Nick, sorry about your disturbance. Thanks for the thumbs up as to how we so often look to create a sense of internal and external authority through our objectifying statements, rather than sit with uncertainty.

It takes me back to my first ever counselling course and the attempts to support us to recognise the subjective world through the constant reminder to 'use your I statements'.

It's a rich subject for me to revisit (lol my first impulse was to omit the 'for me'), I can see so many new contexts that are around for me. I'm thinking of the mental health field, the contrasting paradigms within that, from the 'objective' diagnosis of 'disorders' to the person centred psychologies which attempt to stay present with the subjective nature of our experiences and what is really involved in recognising and picking up our inner authority.

I'd love to share this through a couple of FB groups and I'm inspired to bounce of your theme and write about a few of it's applications . Would you be OK with that?

Nick Wright

22/4/2017 07:39:48 am

Thanks Cath. I too am noticing a prevailing movement towards objectifying 'diagnoses' in the mental health field. I feel very concerned about it because of its potential ethical, human and social implications. I'm noticing a similar shift in coaching too towards a confidence in neuroscience, as if it can somehow explain how people experience the world and act in it. Yes - please do feel free to share the blog. I would love to hear of any responses!

23/4/2017 08:07:01 pm

I believe that pushing a diagnosis onto the inconveniently impoverished took off with industrialisation - got to hold those who fall through the net accountable through madness or wrong doing or else you end up finding fault with the system for so miserably failing people. Little wonder there's an upsurge during so called times of 'austerity'. What a barbaric ideology. Yes, the rise of neuroscience doesn't surprise me either as people try to hold onto a sense of power through objectifying the human experience. The coaching field is heavily populated with practitioners who believe that if you think harder and better you'll crack the code to success and happiness. There is no shortage of insipid memes telling people what they should be thinking.

23/4/2017 08:08:36 pm

Thanks Cath. Fascinating insights...and well said.

Ruby Manalac

23/4/2017 08:09:54 pm

The truth in this article should resonate in each and everyone of us." Where i am coming from, therefore...." These are the times when empathy and suspended judgement is needed.For the time being...let it be!

23/4/2017 08:12:46 pm

Thanks Ruby. Yes, empathy and suspended judgement can often pave the path to peace...especially in situations where people find themselves - and feel - polarised and in conflict.

Allison Dolan

23/4/2017 08:13:26 pm

What an annoying situation - made more so, because you can't control it. In your polite conversation with your neighbor, did you personalize your comments, or you use declarative statements?

23/4/2017 08:15:35 pm

Hi Allison. Yes, the out of control-ness definitely makes the situation feel worse. I chose to personalise my comments...and had to prepare myself and my approach beforehand so that I wouldn't get hooked, hostile or defensive.

Nigel Brookhouse

23/4/2017 08:16:48 pm

hi Nick having read your article in not sure some statements are over examined. distinctive truths are always subject to the person delivering them so in a sense they are already personal.

23/4/2017 08:18:17 pm

Hi Nigel. Perhaps it's something about awareness, attitude and approach when engaging with others?

Gwen Griffith

23/4/2017 08:21:04 pm

This is GREAT!

23/4/2017 08:22:05 pm

Thanks for your encouragement, Gwen.

Jackie Handy FIRP

24/4/2017 10:01:12 am

Sounds like there's some simple NLP linguistic reframing at play here Nick. Puts me in mind of the quote (Maya Angelou I think) around, life is 10% what happens to you and 90% how you react to it - powerful stuff! (I hope you find your peace and quiet)

24/4/2017 10:01:33 am

Thanks Jackie. That's an interesting reframing of the approach as 'NLP'. :)

Karen Harness FCIPD

24/4/2017 12:53:53 pm

Nick I love your posts always honest and reflective. I do hope you manage to find some quiet. I'm curious about the moment the conversation triggered the response that led to the ultimate door slam. If you could check back in with yourself at that moment what statements can you hear in your own thinking and how did that affect what you said and how you appeared. I've always like that smile poem where smiling is infectious and I liken that to a serious face being equally infectious. Handling a conversation like this is never easy if both parties are not aligned in their view of the issue or the way to reach a solution. Good luck.

24/4/2017 01:16:42 pm

Thanks Karen. Yes, we can inadvertently evoke responses in others, even subsconsiously, by how we feel, how we look and how we relate. This means that preparing ourselves as much as preparing what we say and how we might respond is very important. We can't control the outcome but we can certainly influence it.

Edwina Love Lawrence

24/4/2017 01:18:13 pm

Hello Nick. Thanks for the post - it's a tricky situation to be in. I think sometimes as good coaches/counsellors/OD people we can almost try too hard outside the professional sphere to be accepting/accommodating of the stances of others, and assume responsibility for our own responses above the call of duty. Sounds like you're cross and that your boundaries have been - almost literally - pushed against !! Might be worth speaking to your local council, some can be quite helpful about neighbour noise. Hope the situation clears up.

24/4/2017 01:20:09 pm

Thanks Edwina. I think that's very true. I find myself wondering how people I know who typically take a far more confrontational stance would have handled this situation and what may have happened as a result!

Robert Hodge

24/4/2017 08:42:41 pm

Good Hoosier farmers know they must live next to each other. Example - one guy's cow keeps getting into the field of the other fellow. They could confront each other as in your picture. But they don't. Picture them standing side by side, with a leg up on the fence, overlooking the two fields. The problem is not between them but that cow and that field. They hardly look at each other, but look at the problem. Take that to a white board where I facilitate such discussions. The minute I can get them to put the problem on a white board or a piece of paper, they are collaborating, sitting next to each other at the table, while the problem is in a third place.

24/4/2017 08:47:21 pm

Hi Robert. Yes, working together to find a shared solution to a perceived problem is, in many ways, the ideal way to move things forward. It can also be useful to have a skilful, detached third party facilitator or mediator if things get stuck. It gets tricky if one or both parties are significantly emotionally stressed by the situation, thereby making calm, rational problem-solving far more difficult to achieve..

William C. Hensel

24/4/2017 09:57:06 pm

I find your topic interesting and valuable, Nick, with a dollop of personal relevance, given the situation you describe. Were you kidding, testing, or being inconsistent when you concluded by asking if (your readers think) your neighbor is unreasonable? That question implies a position contrary to the ground (I think) you've staked out in the body of your discussion.

I think it's valid to assert and defend the position that some subjects can rightly be addressed categorically, and the corollary that objective truth can be discerned, despite subjectivity; an alternative is to subside into a foggy post-modern regress where every statement is a matter of taste and opinion, rather than one of fact(icity); and political correctness and brittle tolerance take the place of love, repentance, forgiveness, deep agreement, and so on. Some of the most gratifying and useful (to me, of course!) discussions of this and related elements of epistemology come in the scholarly works of N.T. Wright.

Blessings and best wishes in God's holy love!

24/4/2017 10:14:30 pm

Thanks William. The question of whether or not my neighbour is 'unreasonable' depends on how the situation itself is experienced and construed by the different parties involved. In other words, judgements concerning 'unreasonable-ness' and 'who is being unreasonable' in a particular situation depend on a whole range of factors including personal and cultural beliefs, values and perspectives.

I think the wider and deeper question of whether or not objective truth can be discerned is an interesting and important one. I think it was Kant who said something like, 'God reveals himself objectively but we experience him subjectively.' I believe there are things that are true and can be known and that, in matters of spiritual belief and faith, this calls for conviction, stance, humility and love.

Jesus bless you too!

Wolfgang Christoph

25/4/2017 09:25:04 am

I like what I am reading, but I feel that the so called problem is not really the problem, but rather how I feel about the problem, that is the problem.
the question is, how to resolve this situation?
the cow will eventually walk away and the grass will grow back....no real harm... except in the hearts and minds of selfish man.
yes communication is important, especially proper communication, but in my experience it is my own mind that needs the correction. As long as I believe that my neighbors kid is a so called problem maker I will always find evidence of that.
He becomes the manifestation of my own mind.
Why not change the way I think and look at this boy as a child full of energy and vitality, who loves to play. He is a good and thoughtful boy and knows that his actions might interfere with other people's wellbeing.
I think that way not to create change, but to help me realize his True nature and patiently trust in it. unfortunately some people are too selfish and inpatient.

25/4/2017 09:35:08 am

Hi Wolfgang. I agree with you that how we construe a person or a situation influences how we feel about and towards them and about the situation. If we can re-construe the person or situation in our own minds, it can sometimes help us to feel, to relate and to act differently.

A difficult thing for me in this situation - which I am using as an example to illustrate a point - is that the noise is sometimes so persistent and invasive (and I am using the word 'invasive' deliberately to attempt to convey how it feels) that it affects my work, my studies, my opportunities to relax in my own home...my whole sense of wellbeing.

The stress can trigger a fight-flight response which, in the moment, makes it significantly harder to think rationally. This means I sometimes have to withdraw completely (e.g. go away and stay with family or friends for a few days) to calm down enough to think about and, I hope, deal with it differently.

Dr. Sandra Camacho

25/4/2017 09:36:21 am

Another different approach to this problem would be to clear yourself of your own feelings of frustration towards your neighbor using an energy/emotional release technique. (Whether we express them or not, other people pick up energetically on our un-expressed emotions. They will often respond more to them than even the carefully selected words that come out of our mouths. ) Once you are in that clear non-attached space, notice what happens and what you are perceiving. I often find just clearing my own emotional energy will cause a positive perceptual shift in challenging situations that many times lead to their resolution.

25/4/2017 09:44:09 am

Hi Sandra. I think that's an interesting point. I try to exercise physically to release stress. After all, we experience stress physically, not just mentally or emotionally. In fact, earlier in the day or the event that I describe in this blog, I swam the longest distance I have ever done!

I agree completely that people pick up on our unexpressed emotions (although we may well be expressing them more than we realise) and I like the way you expressed that: 'They will often respond more to them than even the carefully selected words that come out of our mouths.' This means that, where possible, preparing ourselves as well as our words is so important before such an encounter.

That said, I also hold the view that we can influence (and do influence, whether we are aware of it or not) the encounter, how it is experienced and what happens as a result - but not control it. The other person or party also plays a part in the dynamic. We can do our best...but we will not always be able to resolve it in the way we may hope for.

Bob Nordlicht

25/4/2017 09:56:23 am

This is a very important question, for most conversations.. When does a conversation NEED to be made personal? Why should it, switch to a personal basis? Should the interaction be kept strictly business? Should it be a combination of the two. EQ, helps to keep your mind steady on the rudder!

25/4/2017 09:59:10 am

Thanks Bob. Do you have any examples from experience of using EQ in this way to show what it could look like in practice, particularly vis a vis handling 'personal' vs 'strictly business'?

Gail Ann Buckner Luna

25/4/2017 10:00:06 am

Great article for me as I try to change my way of verbaling my thoughts and stop critical, judgemental, negative thinking about others. We have to break bad mental habits and replace them with better, gentle habits, producing better responses. Not easy!! But it can be done.

25/4/2017 10:25:41 am

Thanks for your honest and affirming feedback, Gail. Much appreciated. Are you familiar with Marshall Rosenberg's work in this area, e.g. 'Non-Violent Communication: A Language of Life'? He has some interesting and valuable ways of framing conversation that can help. And...as you say...not always easy!

Nelson Edison Aguiflor

25/4/2017 04:34:54 pm

I believe being respectful and being a little kind is always better in any conversation; be it personal or business.

25/4/2017 04:35:34 pm

I agree, Nelson - irrespective of the outcome. It's something about choosing who we want to be and how we want to behave in the world.

26/4/2017 10:36:45 am

The problem is not always how I feel about the problem, frame the problem or express the problem. Sometimes the problem is the problem and the person at cause refuses to take it on board. That is a predicament, a conflict. In some instances I have felt the need to escalate the situation, to stand more strongly for my side. I don't have a problem with that. It has worked by making it more uncomfortable for the other person to continue than to change. I believe it's called assertiveness and I believe that it has it's place. It needn't be aggressive, it can simply involve persistence. It can take the form of non violent resistance.

26/4/2017 10:54:37 am

Thanks Cath. I like the way you express that. It is consistent with my experience in human rights work. There are injustices that, in my view, have to be addressed - the most stark example I can think of is the Nazis' behaviour towards the Jews during WW2. There are injustices in the world today too - e.g. in and between countries, communities, organisations, families and individuals.

The example I posed in this blog is a complex one because it's not clear that I - or my neighbour - are being fundamentally unjust or unreasonable in some objective, definitive sense. Who or what the problem is depends on perspective, beliefs, values etc. I perceive the noise as a problem; my neighbour perceives my need for silence as a problem.

I think it leaves us with choices about how we think about, talk about and address the situation as we each perceive it. This is where mediation can be useful, especially if the relationship has become emotionally strained and one or both parties feel stuck. Even then it depends on the willingness and ability of both parties to find a work-able solution. What do you think?

26/4/2017 03:17:46 pm

I'd say that the bottom line Nick is whether or not you believe that you are being subjected to something which you are unwilling or unable to adapt to. Deciding that can be a process and it's understandably informed by our relationship with conflict and disturbance, something which many of us are conditioned to avoid. Not surprisingly if we do decide to stand our ground we are often faced with a build up of emotional and psychological charge which potentially needs processing.

You've mentioned mediation a couple of times. It is incredibly difficult to mediate our own process when we are implicated and I think that approaching the other party and letting them know that there's still a problem and that you would like to bring in someone impartial, can be useful. It clearly indicates that the issue is still on the table, signals your resolve and that you wish to deal with it pragmatically. Potentially just informing them that you wish to do this could lead to a rethink on their behalf, or it might be fuel for the fire. Personally I'd be sensing in to that one and seeing what comes up.

26/4/2017 03:20:34 pm

Hi Cath. Yes, that's why I think an independent sounding board or mediation can be so valuable. When we are feeling mentally, emotionally and physically charged or volatile, it can be very difficult to think straight never mind achieve a desirable outcome!

Hasith Pathirage

26/4/2017 10:56:26 am

Quite intriguing. I would try and practice this more. Thanks!

26/4/2017 10:57:12 am

Thanks Hasith. I will be interested to hear what happens when you do..!

Sven Mahr

26/4/2017 01:37:32 pm

Expressing your needs without going into the blame game is key.

26/4/2017 01:38:57 pm

Hi Sven. I agree. It helps reduce the risk of evoking defensiveness and focuses the conversation on desired outcomes rather than the 'problem'.

Lisa Bakker

26/4/2017 02:34:45 pm

Haven't read the remarks above/before so excuse me for "blurbing in" ...

On a personal level, I am being brought into situations where I need to practice my preaching ;-) I try to "nip it in the bud" The frustrations start long before the "decision to confront/outburst" The more I am aware of my inner signals/symptoms something is "bothering" me...the quicker I take charge of my inner dialogue.
Can I master my mind?
Am I the master of my mind?

My inner dialogues still have a lot of "conditioning/pre-programming/rusty and long overdue interpretations" Most "confrontations" stem from them.

So the more quick I become and focus on the inner dialogue the more (emotionally) I can retract myself from the other person(s) involved.

This "state" then allows me to get back into "my common sense" and I am able to reconnect to my bird's eye view/spirit. I want to be the "experienCER, not the experience. Why is this happening? What is going on - under the surface?

26/4/2017 02:38:01 pm

Hi Lisa. Thanks for the blurb! :) Yes, addressing things sooner rather than later can certainly make a difference. I guess we sometimes avoid addressing people and situations because, on the one hand, we hope they will go away and, on the other, we fear making them worse? In any case, we can learn to recognise and address our own inner dialogue. This can often put us in a better place to address the person or situation if we choose to do that too.

John b. May

26/4/2017 10:45:49 pm

Thank you,very,very interesting and useful for us trainers,coaches,mentors.

26/4/2017 10:46:19 pm

Thanks John. You're welcome.

Luisa Girola MBA,PCC (ICF)

27/4/2017 04:14:57 pm

The same applies when we use time absolutes such as always and never. It helps to ask (oneself or the other) "When exactly ?" The answer brings a new perspective and a new awareness about what really happens. Thank you for your reflection and good luck with your neighbours.

27/4/2017 04:20:36 pm

Thanks Luisa. Yes, those are good examples of absolutes. I often hear similar comments along the lines of 'everyone' or 'no-one'. I've noticed too these are sometimes comments that express an underlying feeling, not simply a 'fact'. It can be helpful to explore the feeling as well as the statements, for example, 'How do you feel as you say that..?'

27/4/2017 04:22:49 pm

20 years ago I had a teacher who I had great respect for Nick. I still clearly remember her describing her process for facing someone who's behavior she had found disturbing. She spent as long as was necessary to process her own feelings by pounding dough for bread. When she felt 'clean and clear' of how she had been affected she spoke with him. I love the process work method of reaching a clarity to. You place two markers on the floor to represent where you are and where you wish to be and then walk the line between them, observing the thoughts and feelings which arise. You return to the starting point and repeat until you feel clear and that you are walking the path from a sentient connection where there is no disturbance or conflict.

27/4/2017 04:29:46 pm

Hi Cath. I love the physicality of those examples. Reminds me of Gestalt.

I've used a similar technique with clients where opposite ends of the room represent opposite ends of a polarity. The client decides what lays at each extreme, e.g. an aggressive stance at one end and passive or collapsed one at the other. I invite the client to enact physically what each extreme could look and feel like, whilst physically at that extreme. I may mirror what they do or encourage them to exaggerate it. I then invite the client to walk back and forth along the continuum, to notice how it feels at different points and to decide where/how they would like to be as they approach the person or situation...and to act that out too. It can raise very different awareness, possibilities and energy than simply talking about it.

Off to pound some dough now!! ;)

27/4/2017 08:29:41 pm

Sounds great Nick, makes such a difference to get up and move these things and play around with perspective and position.
lol, we could start a new gauge for how heavy a conflict is 'it was a 12 loafer'!!

27/4/2017 08:30:21 pm

Hi Cath. Excellent idea! :)

Christopher Oneth LMFT

27/4/2017 06:45:56 pm

In an argument, facts are secondary.

http://marriagetherapistmodesto.com/blog/the-heart-of-the-matter-meaning-and-the-failure-of-facts

27/4/2017 06:48:50 pm

Thanks Christopher. That's an interesting and useful article!

Neal Bliven

27/4/2017 08:15:42 pm

WWJD: do something loving for the 2 dogs that they leave outside barking (offer a gift of soup bones or toy bones to the neighbors for enjoyment by the dogs?), do something loving for the son that kicks his football against the wall, fence and bins (organize a field goal kicking contest at a school's football or socer field?), do something loving for the neighbor who was angry and frustrated (offer an unconditional apology to the neighbor and resist the temptation to get back into the substance of the issue when the neighbor inevitably apologises for his/her part : - )

WIJTYTD (What Is Jesus Telling You To Do?): Hearing God by Peter Lord

27/4/2017 08:17:57 pm

Hi Neal. Yes - what Jesus would do in this situation is an important consideration for me. What you have suggested are possibilities. I wonder what else he would do - perhaps what we would least expect him to.

27/4/2017 08:38:24 pm

Move from wondering to asking (and if you don't hear an answer then you are free to make your own choice, while still being responsible for your choice -- Matthew 25:14-30). Peter Lord's examples in Hearing God fit well with the situation that you related to us. WIJTYTD trumps WWJD.

27/4/2017 08:39:45 pm

Yes Neal...there has been a lot of asking...and prayerful conversation with Christian friends too.

Aleksandra Nosalik

29/4/2017 03:51:43 pm

Hmm.. You end by saying that YOU need peace and quite. Have you ever think about what your neighbor needs? I am quite sure that whole situation has been really misinterpreted by both sides. Yours - you should consider that kids are usually making a lot of noise and not neccesarily in purpose, most of the time they are playing around, yelling, kicking objects etc. Same with dogs.. This is sort of normal I think.. Have you ever tried to walk in someone's else shoes? Because I am quite sure that your neighbour is also not a big fun of burking or noise, he probably lost control of his kids and pets, maybe he was simply busy and couldn't react so your tries of persuading him that he is driving you crazy have been taken as an attack, impulse of a person who knows I guess better than you - how it feels like dealing with disobedient children and animals at same time. I would reccommend you more tolerance and a simple empathy, there is always a chance that you will be someday at his place..

29/4/2017 03:53:47 pm

Hi Aleksandra. Yes, empathy is important. It sounds like maybe you have been in that place..?

30/4/2017 11:08:02 pm

Hi, well - not exactly..I was growing in a family with kids, I remember many similar situations. Our neighbours were complaining about burking or kids playing around. My father was really upset because he lost control of it somehow, he even started to keep my dog at home or had to ask my sisters to stay quiet in the garden . To be honest - he was doing it many times a day and they were not always listening to him. I was trying to explain you how it feels like from the other side. Probably guy you tried to talk with simply lost his temper, maybe his frustration was growing in time and he reacted like this. When I am dealing with people or situations that truly annoy me I am always trying to imagine how it works from the other side and wondering what would I do if I were at others place. But this is me, each case is different, same like people. We are coming from different culture backgrounds, our lives and status determine our behaviour and reactions.

30/4/2017 11:20:16 pm

Hi Aleksandra. Thanks for sharing something of your personal life experience. It helps me to understand the passion in your response! The points I am making in the blog are that (a) we can unhelpfully paint situations in extreme rather than more nuanced terms and (b) it can be useful to consider what we need in a situation and how to address it, rather than to project blame onto the other person as if it is all about them. It sounds as if you are advocating something similar, along with compassion and empathy which may lead to greater tolerance - if we can cope with the on-going stress that we may experience if our needs are not met. The ideal solution is one that works well for both parties, if such an arrangement can be reached. You may find this related short piece interesting? http://www.nick-wright.com/blog/backstory

Elizabeth Santos

1/5/2017 08:04:09 am

Very interestant and important know a the people for to be humans.

1/5/2017 08:05:25 am

Hi Elizabeth. I would like to understand your comment. Could you say a little more? Thank you!

John Leckie

1/5/2017 03:35:09 pm

Nick, you are absolutely spot on. I use a life model based on Shakespeare of all people where he states that 'all the world is a stage'. The people/events/activities that we attract to us or that we are attracted to are mirroring back to us something about our-self. This could be an issue or a life lesson that we need to recognise, correct and learn from to enable us to grow. Personal development comes in many disguises.

1/5/2017 03:43:39 pm

Thanks John. That's a novel use of Shakespeare! :) There's a similar-but-different psychological principle that we grow in self-awareness by placing ourselves in different situations and seeing how we are, feel and respond in those situations.

Susan Gabriel Talbot

2/5/2017 12:27:17 pm

Although generally, the deflecting of anger and hostility by making a statement referring only to a personal difficulty of feeling which also, has in fact a bearing on 'a' truth, my concern is two-fold. One is that it sounds a bit like counsellor speak, ie, ' I hear what you are saying ...' and secondly that this emphasis is a part of a growing philosophical trend of deconstructivism and a relativity in human affairs and in our response to the world. There are some givens, water boils at 100 degrees at this normal altitude, certain physical forces at work in the world in ourselves are unwise to ignore. Having had a similar neighour and child who banged a ball against a wall for hours, I went to negotiate and asked whether it was possible to have oasis of silence in between the football practice as I sometimes worked from home and couldn't hear myself think... We worked out a sort of truce. On the dog-well, there are certain laws in place that might be worth considering.

2/5/2017 12:34:38 pm

Hi Susan. I was tempted to respond with 'I hear what you are saying'...and managed to restrain myself. ;) I think it's a complex issue. The question of whether water boils at 100 degrees is a different kind of question to whether I or my neighbour are being unreasonable - or how I or they ought to act in this situation. Having said that, I'm pleased to hear you managed to work out a truce or sorts with your neighbour. These things can really stress us out badly if left unresolved...or if we can't find or agree a way to resolve them.

Yildiz Sethi

3/5/2017 03:17:54 am

Make it personal when you feel it will make a difference or touch the other at a human level.

3/5/2017 07:00:26 am

Hi Yildiz. Sometimes, making it personal touches us at a human level first.

Hannah Rayfield

3/5/2017 10:01:58 am

Out of interest what is your opinion on whether you think people perceive those using this personal language as weak compared to those prone to more judgmental statements?

3/5/2017 10:08:57 am

Hi Hannah. How would it be if you were to personal-ise your question, see how it feels for you and what kind of responses it evokes from respondents? My sense is that it depends on personal style and culture. In some relationships and situations, a 'personal' approach will be more impactful, in others an 'definitive' approach may be more effective.

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