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Preference

14/2/2021

44 Comments

 
‘If you don’t know what an extrovert is thinking, it’s because you haven’t listened. If you don’t know what an introvert is thinking, it’s because you haven’t asked.’ (Richard Marshall)

Extroverts speak, introverts write. I first noticed this reality whilst studying for a masters’ degree. I enjoyed writing my dissertation immensely because it felt like an exciting journey of discovery. It was like a stream of consciousness, seeing my learning and ideas take shape as I wrote them. I didn’t know what I thought until I wrote it down. By contrast, an extrovert colleague found writing her own dissertation tedious, an administrative task to simply record what she had already talked-through.

‘Extroverts tend to think externally; they need to verbalize their thoughts to think. Thoughts are actually formed as they are verbalized. They don’t know exactly what they are going to say at first, but they know their thoughts will take shape as they speak them. That is, an extrovert will speak it to think it. By contrast, an introvert will sit quietly and ponder, mulling ideas over in her head, looking for the right word and the best description of the ideas that are taking shape.’ (Heather Hollick)

Now, it’s not that extroverts can’t write well or take pleasure in it, or that introverts can’t talk or enjoy conversation. It’s more about a preference or a default. Whereas extroverts sometimes need to remember to listen, I sometimes need to remember to speak. The conversation can be so vivid, so active in my mind that I feel as if I’m engaged in the discussion out loud. I have learned over time that sometimes I need to speak earlier, before my thoughts are fully-formed, to invite others in.
​
So, what does this mean in practice? If you’re working with an extrovert, speak to them directly and give them chance to speak, to think. Give them time to mull things over by talking out loud until they reach their own conclusions. Conversely, if you’re working with an introvert, give them quiet space to think, to write down, to form their thoughts before speaking. What’s your preference? How do you take preference into account when working with people? Do you prefer to speak or to write?
44 Comments
Andrea Dasilva, M ED., RCC
15/2/2021 06:14:43 pm

My preference is to write - I am an introvert. As a counsellor, I am/I have been learning to follow the lead of the client (at least at first...): she's a talker, let her talk; he's a thinker, let him contemplate. That helps to set a baseline re how to best work with them. The use of words/the pitch and speed of conversation. No 2 people are the same though: this is a delicate art...

Reply
Nick Wright
15/2/2021 06:18:41 pm

Hi Andrea and thank you for sharing from experience as a counsellor. Yes, we can observe the patterns of behaviour of a client and seek to respond to them accordingly. We can also inquire of and contract explicitly with a client: e.g. 'What do you need?', 'What would you find most useful?' Yes, I agree: it is a delicate art, especially as the same client may want or need different things at different times or in different situations.

Reply
Ian Henderson
15/2/2021 06:19:34 pm

Interesting thinking you have expressed there Nick. I'd like to share that if that would be OK with you my friend?

Reply
Nick Wright
15/2/2021 06:20:12 pm

Thanks Ian. Yes indeed - please do feel free to share.

Reply
Ian Henderson
16/2/2021 09:57:49 am

Thanks Nick - greatly appreciated.

Nick Wright
16/2/2021 10:00:34 am

Hi Ian. You're welcome. In fact, I quoted you in an executive team meeting yesterday. It was your insight about how to enable executives to support a decision outside a room that they had fundamentally disagreed with inside a room. 'What do you need?' is such a powerful question.

Ian Henderson
16/2/2021 09:26:41 pm

That's nice to know Nick. It really is a tough one to handle. I suspect that there are only two choices: support or sabotage the decision. Sadly, I have to confess that I did not always get that right!

Nick Wright
16/2/2021 09:30:00 pm

Hi Ian. Yes, it's definitely an integrity test. The challenge is to leave the room able (authentically) to support a decision, even if not agreeing with it. That's where I believe your approach to asking what each person would need - to feel able to support the decision on leaving the room - is so very important.

David
15/2/2021 10:30:21 pm

I’m an introvert I think as hate talking to a group of people which you might call public speaking as I go through it in my head but never end up saying what I’ve gone through in my head, but at the same time I never always know how to put stuff on paper without being given pointers first

Reply
Nick Wright
16/2/2021 10:02:40 am

Hi David and thank you for sharing so honestly. I wonder if you will be able to relate to the experience I described here too?(!) https://www.nick-wright.com/blog/a-raving-introvert

Reply
Danie
16/2/2021 12:00:11 pm

Well written as always.

I am curious... is it your introversion that has given you the ability to so eloquently summarize and cover big topics in few words? So if an extrovert had to write this same article, would they have used more words.

Reply
Nick Wright
16/2/2021 09:34:46 pm

Thank you, Danie, for such encouraging feedback. This is a huge generalisation...but my sense is that someone with a clear extroverted preference may feel more comfortable creating a podcast or vlog than writing a blog?

Reply
Pramila Thapa
17/2/2021 12:38:53 pm

Thank you for the nice information, of course, people are different, according to his/ her personality, we need to behave, & create them beautiful work environment, I really appreciate your information about introverts and extroverts.

Reply
Nick Wright
17/2/2021 12:40:59 pm

Thank you, Pramila. Yes, if we are aware of and responsive to different people's preferences, it can make working relationships far more inspiring and engaging.

Reply
Rebecca Morgan
17/2/2021 12:42:15 pm

What a simple yet powerful way to convey the good old introvert/extrovert relationship. Well summarised.

I'll get back to my writing.... 🖋

Reply
Nick Wright
17/2/2021 12:46:39 pm

Thanks Rebecca. I think you wrote that beautifully. :)

Reply
Joslyn Manuel
17/2/2021 12:48:13 pm

Spot On!!

Reply
Nick Wright
17/2/2021 12:48:40 pm

Thanks Joslyn!

Reply
Benjamin Lloyd
17/2/2021 01:57:35 pm

Love this. It seems like an essential emotional intelligence exercise: assessing the introvert/extrovert balance in your client/partner. But it's on a continuum, don't you think? For instance I am basically an introvert, but can become extroverted in certain circumstances . . .

Reply
Nick Wright
17/2/2021 02:04:52 pm

Thank you, Benjamin. Yes, in (for instance) Myers-Briggs terms, extroversion and introversion are on a continuum. It's about preference and energy, not about ability per se. So, I have a preference for introversion, but am able to to work in roles and environments that require extroverted social skills - and it sounds like you are able to do so too! The difference is that, if I am working in those roles or environments all the time, I am likely to feel exhausted, whereas a person with an extroverted preference may find them more and more energising.

Reply
Mark Furlong
17/2/2021 03:56:42 pm

Hey Nick, excellent insights. I loved the phrase "Extraverts speak, Introverts write." Hadn't quite thought of it that way before.

Reply
Nick Wright
17/2/2021 03:58:06 pm

Hi Mark and thank you for the encouraging feedback. Yes, I don't know how far that idea is universally true...but it certainly reflects a pattern in my own observations and experience.

Reply
Bob Larcher
17/2/2021 06:14:34 pm

I have a strong introversion preference and clearly enjoy writing; however, I also like talking about what I know, I really enjoy explaining things to people.

Reply
Nick Wright
17/2/2021 06:17:00 pm

Hi Bob. Thanks for the note. I'm curious. Do you ever find that you discover what you know by writing it down first, then feel able to explain it well to people by talking afterwards?

Reply
Joyce Vriens
18/2/2021 07:06:43 pm

Thanks for posting Nick.

Reply
Nick Wright
18/2/2021 07:07:08 pm

Hi Joyce. You're welcome.

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Sunita Biddu
18/2/2021 07:07:46 pm

I totally loved this simple yet powerful read, Nick.

Reply
Nick Wright
18/2/2021 07:08:36 pm

Thank you, Sunita. I'm encouraged to hear that!

Reply
Jeffery Schau
18/2/2021 07:10:01 pm

This is one of the reasons I became certified in behavioral analysis. Not only does it help my clients, but it has done wonders for how my family engages with each other.
There is an incredible amount of power that comes from understanding how another person is wired and being able to bridge that gap to aid in effective communication.

Reply
Nick Wright
18/2/2021 07:12:37 pm

Hi Jeffery and thank you for sharing from personal experience. In light of your training, you may find this short related piece interesting too? https://www.nick-wright.com/blog/personal-preference-and-change

Reply
Kelly Nowocien
19/2/2021 12:10:31 pm

Great post Nick, holding space for each person to express themselves with ease is key. As regards speaking or writing, I like both based on how I feel in the moment, probably because I see myself as a mix of introvert & extrovert. 😊

Reply
Nick Wright
19/2/2021 12:12:08 pm

Thank you, Kelly. I think, "Holding space for each person to express themselves with ease" is a great way to put it. :)

Reply
Fatima Ali Hattawi
26/2/2021 01:47:34 pm

Well said.

Reply
Nick Wright
26/2/2021 01:47:54 pm

Thank you, Fatima.

Reply
Zoe Handscombe
26/2/2021 04:08:02 pm

This is very true. It's also something to consider when you have both in the same room. You need to consider a balance of activities that will suit both styles and not let one get lost - whether in the noise or the silence.

Reply
Nick Wright
26/2/2021 04:09:25 pm

Thanks Zoe. Do you have any examples from experience that you could share of how you do that in practice?

Reply
Zoe Handscombe
27/2/2021 12:50:44 am

I've had mixed training groups in the past - the natural talkers will tend to jump in and answer all questions first, while others sit back quietly.
I try to use a balance of open questions for all with direct questions to check comprehension in the quieter people. Sometimes simply leaving a longer pause to allow concepts to sink in can be enough, while watching for body language and facial expressions.
Exercises where people work in small groups can help, or allowing people to work through something alone first before sharing answers afterwards can help the more introverted.

Nick Wright
27/2/2021 12:21:22 pm

Thanks for sharing such practical ideas, Zoe. Yes, those same types of approaches work well in my experience too!

Christel Segander
5/3/2021 10:06:34 pm

I am in between, now growing older and more experienced I tend to be more introvert although my original preference is extrovert. Anyhow this is important to consider and notice and don't hesitate to ask the person you are going to have a working relation with or any relation of importance to you.

Reply
Nick Wright
5/3/2021 10:08:42 pm

Hi Christel and thank you for sharing from personal experience. It's interesting to hear how you have noticed a shift in preference over time. Yes, taking an active interest in other people's preferences too can be important for healthy and productive relationships.

Reply
Mark Herbert
5/3/2021 11:08:33 pm

I think a further nuanced challenge in todays current ways of working is how we continue to ensure we are engaging frequently enough with introverts and considering their opinions? Particularly given they may be working remotely and not 'physically present' to remind us of the need to engage.

Reply
Nick Wright
5/3/2021 11:15:27 pm

Hi Mark. That's an interesting question. Is your sense that it's harder for introverts to engage remotely? I've had some interesting conversations with extroverts recently who described their pain and frustration of working remotely. Remote interactions at work tend often to be quite transactional in nature and miss the informal socialising and banter of more more frequent interactions when working in the same physical space. What do you think?

Reply
David Medina
16/3/2021 09:48:11 am

In my experience both extroversion and introversion are simply two poles opposites of the same light and essence which is Connection.

Every light cast a shadow, with connecting being the essence of someone's light, they will either compensate or undercompensate giving place of the so called extroversion and introversion.

If we learn to relate to these people not from how they are showing up but who they be, we will relate to them as someone who is CONNECTION.

Reply
Nick Wright
16/3/2021 09:53:37 am

Thank you, David. I like your imagery of light and connection. I'm wondering if you are using 'connection' to mean something the same as, or similar to, 'contact' in Gestalt? In my experience, attention to preference can help establish closer contact. At the same time, if we are too rigid in categorising ourselves and others as 'introvert' or 'extrovert', the constructs we impose can interfere with quality of contact.

Reply



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    ​Nick Wright

    ​I'm a psychological coach, trainer and OD consultant. Curious to discover how can I help you? ​Get in touch!

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