Relational feedback

11/11/2020

Feedback – a topic that often keeps people awake at night. There’s something I want to say, perhaps need to say, but I can’t think of the right way to put it. ‘What if it provokes a negative response?’ ‘What if I can’t handle the person’s reaction?’ ‘What if it makes things even worse?’ Such questions can understandably create an anxious psychological, emotional and physical state. If I’m feeling anxious, no matter what carefully-crafted words I may use, the other person is likely to pick it up intuitively and it could, to them, look and feel like attack or defence: and evoke the same in them.

The truth is, we are continually giving and receiving feedback, yet often out of conscious awareness. Our tone of voice, body language, use of words and behaviour all convey implicit messages and we only have limited rational control over them. What is more, we filter and interpret signals we receive from others based on our own personal experience; including our hopes, expectations and fears. Feedback always takes place in a dynamically-complex and fluid relational (e.g. affinity; trust; hierarchy) and cultural (e.g. language; values; norms) context – and that influences everything.

Take, for instance, feedback that lands positively on one day, yet could feel negative on another, depending on how I’m feeling. If I like and trust the person, I’m more likely to hear and respond to it positively. Conversely, if trust is low, of if we’ve just had a bruising argument, it could evoke a negative reaction; even if the feedback itself is valid and fair. In light of this, we are most likely to give and receive feedback successfully if we pay attention to our psychological, emotional, physical and relational state first, and then give equal attention to that of the other person too.

We can do the former in a number of ways. Take a moment to relax, breathe (pray) and imagine the person and conversation. How am I feeling? Is now the best time to hold this conversation? What will I need to handle it well? What beliefs am I carrying? What am I saying to myself? If: ‘What if it goes wrong?’, what happens if I reframe it to, ‘What if this goes well?’ If I’m saying, ‘I want this person to stop what they’re doing’, what happens if I change it to, ‘I want this person to succeed’? Now rehearse the opening of the conversation – in a positive, relaxed state.

We can do the latter part in a number of ways too. Invite the person into a constructive review conversation together, not simply impose something onto them. Be clear about your (positive) intention, purpose and desired outcome. Ask them where and when would suit them best. Frame the conversation in an appreciative, solutions-focused way, reminding them of the vision and goals and inviting their reflections first: e.g. ‘What is going well?’ and ‘What will make it even better?’ – before offering your own feedback and ideas. Close with, ‘How shall we move this forward?’

Do you lose sleep over giving or receiving feedback and how to do it well? If so, get in touch!

22 Comments

Liza Sanders

11/11/2020 02:22:33 pm

Getting or giving feedback is very dependent on the person. How do I feel with this person? Which choice of words is appropriate? Careful or direct? Easy or strict? Therefore, the topic does not necessarily come first, but how the other person or I cope with the feedback and reacts to it. Only the following reaction shows whether there will be a positive improvement or change.
Here is a not so good student. He has had a difficult family, little support from home and only ever heard from teachers what he was doing wrong. So he has no desire to exert himself or learn and can only manage a few tasks. If he does these few tasks well, he will hear kind words. He absolutely needs motivating feedback. But if he distracts other students, laughs all the time, or works absolutely nothing, then he must see from my reaction that he was not having a good day. Just kind words from me don't help him or me. Honest words and a new chance the next day will hopefully help him further.

Nick Wright

11/11/2020 09:38:07 pm

Hi Liza and thank you for posting such insightful reflections. I like your emphasis on personalising feedback, rather than simply applying generic formulae. I particularly liked your comment: 'Therefore, the topic does not necessarily come first, but how the other person or I cope with the feedback and react to it.'

'Honest words and a new chance the next day' reminds me of the way in which Jesus, in the Bible, is described as 'full of grace and truth'. There's something very powerful, existentially and experientially, in bringing honesty, challenge, support and forgiveness into the same relationship.

Incidentally, Douglas Murray includes an excellent chapter, 'On Forgiveness' in his new book, The Madness of Crowds' (2020). Have you seen it?

Tara Parker link

11/11/2020 02:48:02 pm

Nick, something you said your blog above immediately struck me. "...we filter and interpret signals we receive from others based on our own experience; including our hopes, expectations and fears." This reminds me of how narrow-minded we can all be or how our environment can mold us giving us a false sense of comfort or security. This is a great reminder that we all have our own story and we have all learned a little bit differently. Sometimes, it is best to take a step back to recognize how others communicate, how they listen, how they speak. Recognizing how others communicate, their language, will help to make a connection with them. That is not to say that connection equates to something friendly or intimate but it can mean learning tolerance and acceptance of the person.

I always enjoy your words and am grateful you share them with us.

Tara

11/11/2020 09:41:49 pm

Thank you for your encouraging feedback, Tara. There are strong resonances in your ideas with 'pacing and leading' in Neurolinguistic Programming (NLP). Are you familiar with it? It includes the value of building rapport (e.g. through mirroring another person's language) as a basis for increasing influence and trust.

Chris Chin

11/11/2020 09:25:30 pm

Great article Nick. It sums up why giving feedback can be so difficult for many. I would therefore highlight the need to spend time preparing 'constructive' feedback before you give it. It's not just the language you use, but also the way you say it - and that depends on what you're feeling and experiencing internally. Also pay particular attention to the 'power' dynamics between you and the receiver of feedback. In my experience power distorts perception - the more the power differential, the more the need to build context.

11/11/2020 09:50:49 pm

Hi Chris and thanks for such affirming feedback. I think your comment vis a vis power dynamics is very important. 'Power distorts perception' is a great way of expressing it. In my experience, this can include dynamics of gender, race, age etc. as well as structural hierarchy.

It's one area where working cross-culturally can be so interesting - and challenging! I remember working on an assignment in Africa where managers living in local communities alongside their team members were incredibly reluctant to give challenging 'negative' feedback, in case it disrupted community relationships.

I've also worked in Asian contexts where, for instance, younger managers would be very unwilling to offer challenging feedback to older members of staff because that could be perceived as disrespectful and, therefore culturally inappropriate. Learning to navigate these cultures is an ongoing journey for me.

Neill Hahn

14/11/2020 11:07:41 am

I prefer the term constructive feedback to positive and negative. I guess that's due to my electronics background, where +ve & -ve feedback weren't related to the notions of "feel good: feel bad". To me, positive feedback causes regeneration (encouragement) of ideas... which can include encouraging unhelpful ideas. (It is +ve feedback that causes that awful squealing in a hall's P.A. system. Nothing feel-good there.) Negative feedback is more like applying the brakes to the energy; discouraging at times, but sometimes that's just what we need, when we are heading toward poor outcomes. As with any journey, using the accelerator or brake is all in the timing (which I think is what Nick is saying). But to be useful I find any planned feedback needs to be assessed on its constructiveness to the person receiving it.

14/11/2020 11:26:18 am

Hi Neill. I love your insights from the electronics field. You reminded me of a previous colleague, Adrian Blair, from an IT background. He warned of the risks of over-performing in one area, with potential detrimental effects in an other area or in a system as a whole. I agree that 'constructive' is better language than 'positive' or 'negative'. I was using the language loosely. All framings, whether constructive, positive or negative, depend on how a client (or broader cultural group) experiences, interprets and construes the feedback, and how it influences or impacts on them.

14/11/2020 11:27:52 am

Hi Neill. I sometimes refer to ‘constructive’ feedback as ‘adjustment’ feedback and positive feedback as ‘affirmation’ feedback or ‘do more of’ feedback depending on the purpose.

16/11/2020 11:03:52 am

Nick, the terms Positive and Negative are in common usage, so I accept them when used. As you you are saying, it is about our own internal interpretation as to how we conceptualize and then use them. Although I have found that this can cause some interpretation problems in conversations, particularly with those who only interpret the terms as "feel-good, feel-bad". It's good to hear some other finer interpretations within this conversation.

16/11/2020 11:04:36 am

Chris, thanks for those finer ideas. "Constructive" is a good term to remind ourselves of the overall aim of feedback, so we can decide how much of either, or any, is suitable to give. I guess that's what people in the cultural examples that Nick's comment mentions when they choose not to give feedback in certain situations.

16/11/2020 11:08:26 am

Hi Neill. Yes, there are some resonances in your comments with different nuances and meanings of 'good' and 'great' too: http://www.nick-wright.com/blog/great

Chris Lever

11/11/2020 09:25:59 pm

Thanks Nick and a good reminder of how big a deal something as entirely natural as feedback should be.... can become. Have you noticed too that some styles and personalities are much more comfortable with negative comments and turn away thanks and praise?

11/11/2020 10:00:07 pm

Thanks Chris. That's very true: 'some styles and personalities are much more comfortable with negative comments and turn away thanks and praise.' What do you think that's about? My sense is that there are complex personal, relational and cultural dynamics that can influence how a person feels - and responds - to different types of feedback.

I have, for instance, encountered some people who have introjected negative feedback since an early age and, therefore, believe that 'negative' feedback is most true of them, and familiar to them. I have encountered others who find 'positive' feedback difficult to handle because, culturally, they don't want to appear immodest or arrogant.

I have found that one way to deal with this is to invite of the other person, 'What feedback would you find most useful?' and 'How would you like us to do this?' In a coaching context, I may reflect back patterns I notice in a person's response to feedback, and offer that as a potential area for exploration, if they would like to go there.

Ian Henderson

11/11/2020 09:26:36 pm

Spot on Nick. As managers we need to become skilled at giving feedback in any of its guises. Some folks I have worked with struggle to give positive feedback but sadistically enjoy kicking their teams when things go wrong. For some, the reverse is true and they are comfortable giving the 'nice stuff' but shy away from developmental feedback. I'll share this mate.

13/11/2020 02:02:56 pm

Thanks Ian! I think those contrasting examples point well to the need to be clear about intention, purpose and desired outcomes. At deeper psychological, cultural and systemic levels, we could ask what and whose needs such behaviours are motivated or driven by.

This is a bit of a tangent, but you have reminded me of an insightful ex-colleague, Christine Hillmann. Christine observed that, at times, when managers give 'positive' or 'negative' feedback, a person can be left wondering how well they are doing and perceived to be doing on the whole.

In light of this, she would use scaling approaches, e.g. 'On a scale of 1-10, I would say you are consistently performing at a 7. This is what, in my view, it would take to move it up a notch. How does that sound to you?' I really liked that. It built in perspective, and provided a useful context for more specific feedback.

Stella Goddard BA (Hons) Registered MBACP (Accred)

13/11/2020 02:04:01 pm

In my work I work alone with my clients so am not observed by a manager. However I do have an accountability structure around me which is crucial for my self awareness and ability to share aspects of my work and give my clients the best service that I can. This is a place where I can learn and grow and consider what I might have done better and possible ways of doing this. I think when someone is in a senior position to ourselves there is always a power differential. In the past I wouldn't disagree with anyone who was older than me, in a more senior position or with more authority than I had. I would say that relationships that are respectful and that don't shame or belittle others is so important. Having a senior position is not about controlling others. Good leadership is about walking alongside, listening/hearing and building up others so that they can grow and develop their potential.

13/11/2020 02:20:21 pm

Hi Stella. Thank you for sharing such interesting reflections. I'm curious - can you say more about the accountability structure that you mention? How does that work in practice, especially if, say, your supervisor does not have direct access to observe your work with clients? I'm interested too - do you invite feedback directly from your clients and, if so, how do you manage and enable them to manage any implicit or explicit power dynamics in that relationship?

13/11/2020 08:20:17 pm

All Counsellors and Psychotherapists are required to have regular Supervision. We are also encouraged to have Peer Supervision as we become more experienced in our clinical work. I am very fortunate to have two colleagues that I meet with regularly. I can't stress enough how important and valuable this is.

With my clients I work in a collaborative way and stress this from the outset. When I offer feedback it is always done from an established professional relationship which seeks to empower and not to shame or dismiss.

13/11/2020 08:31:28 pm

Hi Stella. Yes, indeed. My sense is that this type of supervision is essential for well-being, on-going critical reflective practice and professional accountability in the counselling and therapeutic fields. It sounds like you do offer feedback to clients as part of your professional practice. I was wondering if you invite feedback from clients too, and how you manage any potential power, boundary or other relational issues that that could raise?

Jayantha Fernando, PCC

21/11/2020 09:58:16 am

Yes Nick...managing our state of being and having a clear intention with a deeper contextual understanding might help the feedback giver...and also need to compassionately expect any reaction from e part of the feedback receiver by giving safe space.

21/11/2020 11:28:11 am

Thanks Jayantha. Yes, it helps me as feedback giver (and receiver) if I pay attention to my own state of being, intention and a deeper understanding of context. In my experience, it's about seeking to create a safe-enough space, whilst also being willing and able to give (and receive) constructive challenge where needed.

I've noticed that if I proactively invite feedback, and say what feedback I would find useful, it enables me to feel more curious, less defensive and more open to change. I try to offer the same to others too - to have as much control as possible over, say, where, when to meet - to help enable a similar state in the other person too.