 'Thunderbirds are go!' It’s a tense and exciting moment - at least as a child. The international rescuers head off urgently to do their thing: a rescuing thing. Or it’s a knight on a white charger who races off to save, to rescue, a damsel in distress. Or it’s Jesus who rescues us from our universal 'human propensity to f*** things up' (Francis Spufford) - which, unlike Thunderbirds and fairy tales, I actually believe to be true. And so it is that our beliefs, stories, fables and folklore are filled with accounts of honour and nobility expressed through acts of rescue. They touch, reflect and evoke personally and culturally a spirit of justice, mercy and compassion for others in need. They call us to reach beyond ourselves, our own interests and concerns, to respond to another, to help another where they are trapped, too weak or unable to help themselves. This instinct, this value, this desire to rescue can however be a double-edged sword. What if, through my desire to rescue, I become the parent who always protects my child and denies them the opportunity to develop resilience? What if I become the leader, the line-manager, who solves everyone’s problems for them, creates unhealthy dependency and denies team members their opportunities to stretch and grow? What if I become the coach who takes others’ issues onto myself, takes on too much responsibility, and thereby avoids challenging and developing the capacities of the client? Transactional Analysis ('Drama Triangle') can provide useful insights here, e.g. How is the client portraying themselves in their story; What is the client evoking in me, and vice versa; What patterns of relationship are being enacted here and now? So here are some checks and balances I've found useful: What am I aware of when I work with this client, team or organisation? When am I most likely to slip into rescuer mode? What does this client, this situation, call for? What is in the best interests of the client? Looking at this relationally and systemically, what perverse incentives or unintended consequences could my own interventions inadvertently create?
133 Comments
Ray Mathis
28/2/2016 10:26:00 pm
I've always used and taught a simple metaphor. Imagine someone stuck in a hole in the ground. If they reach up and you reach down, they can get out. But to get them out, you have to keep most of yourself on solid ground. But if you reach down harder than they reach up, and too much of you ends up over the rim of the hole, you fall in with them, and are no good to yourself or them.
Nick Wright
28/2/2016 10:30:47 pm
Hi Ray and thanks for the note. Yes, I've heard a similar metaphor used where, if we end up in the hold with the person, we have the same limited perspective from that vantage point as they have and, therefore, we are able to offer little value. It's an interesting metaphor to play with. For instance, I may, as a client, feel better about being stuck in the hole if there is someone there with me (e.g. I am not alone in that experience) and, perhaps, we can work together from that place to find a way out (e.g. by standing on shoulders). Interesting to think about how the ideas in the metaphor influence our stance and practice. Thanks for sharing! All the best. Nick
Ray Mathis
29/2/2016 09:11:43 am
A second metaphor I've always used is that it's like people get lost deep in a forest, and too often what others say and do is like yelling to them from the edge of the forest on how to get out. Adults do that with kids a lot. We need to go where they are in the forest, see what it's like to be where they are, and then use what we know to help them find their own way out. Perhaps leading the way in some ways, but never getting so far ahead that we lose them or leave them behind.
Nick Wright
29/2/2016 09:15:21 am
Hi Ray. I like the forest metaphor. Again, it raises questions about how we see ourselves and our role in relation to the client and what approach to working with the client we and they would find most useful. You may find this related blog and some of the comments posted under it interesting? http://www.nick-wright.com/blog/learning-to-wonder All the best. Nick
Jim Mondry
29/2/2016 09:16:29 am
Nick, this is well said, and a real concern for coaches everywhere. One of the cornerstones of the Co-Active Coaching Model is: each and every person is Naturally Creative, Resourceful and Whole. As a fundamental understanding for how I want to see my client, it helps me to become aware when I'm trying to "fix" them or when I'm taking on too much responsibility (i.e. acting in a way that suggests I don't believe this to be true about my client), so I can then shift my actions with the intention of demonstrating that I believe this of my client. Like all things coaching, it is a practice.
Nick Wright
29/2/2016 09:25:54 am
Thanks Jim. Yes, a cornerstone of co-active coaching is the co- aspect which helps to keep the sense of working-with rather than, say, working-for the client explicit. I like your emphasis on reminding yourself what you believe about the client which then impacts on how you work with them. This is where I find having coaching supervision helpful - having someone who is independent of my practice to challenge what I am believing and doing and to model the principles I aim to demonstrate in my work. All the best. Nick
Alistair Wyllie
29/2/2016 09:27:33 am
I think you make a good case for OD supervision, Nick. Supervision for coaches is accepted as fundamental to good practice. There is a challenge for us all to extend to ODs, L&Ds, Business Partners and Consultants the same fundamental need, appeal and value of talking on a regular basis about our experience of ourselves in our roles - what happens and keeps happening, how we feel about that, what we think about that and what we are (not) doing about that - in the service of our internal and external clients.
Nick Wright
29/2/2016 09:32:31 am
Thanks Alistair. I think you just made a good case for OD supervision. I actually have 2 supervisors for my OD work. One is an open systems specialist who helps me avoid getting too stuck on local issues within an organisation. The other is a project management specialist who helps me to avoid becoming too blue sky in my thinking and to lose touch with more earthy realities. They both adopt a fairly challenging stance which works well for me and helps me stay at and extend my own learning edge too. All the best. Nick
Ian Brownlee
29/2/2016 09:33:35 am
I do it by ensuring that my Perceptual Position is in the 3rd person (Disassociated or "on the balcony") and not in 1st Person (Associated) or 2nd person (in their shoes).
Nick Wright
29/2/2016 09:38:32 am
Hi Ian. I think that's a useful position to work from. I often refer to it as speaking from an 'observing place', as if observing the interaction between myself and the client and saying what I'm noticing from that place. It takes practise and isn't always easy. I need to be aware of what triggers the rescuer within me which creates space to choose how to respond or intervene rather than being drawn into that mode without realising it. Your comment about 'in their shoes' reminded me of something my previous coaching supervisor used to say: 'Beware of stepping so far into the client's shoes that you inadvertently step out of your own.' Good advice. All the best. Nick
E.G.Sebastian (CPC, CSL)
29/2/2016 09:40:11 am
That's a tough one - fell in that one (rescuer mode) all the time as a new coach (and even later, regularly).
Nick Wright
29/2/2016 09:45:38 am
Hi E.G. and thanks for such an honest response! That resonates with my experience too. I think I'm getting better at noticing when the 'rescuer' within me is being evoked and to offer that as an observation (to myself, the client, or both) rather than necessarily acting on it in the moment. I think it relates to the tension I posed in a previous blog between engaged and disengaged - Just Enough. If you've discovered any techniques that help you to avoid falling into rescuer mode, let me know! All the best. Nick
E.G.Sebastian (CPC, CSL)
29/2/2016 04:12:33 pm
Well... what made me better at it were multiple things: 1. My training, where we learned about a "technique" called "Engaged Disengagement" - meaning, you are fully present for the client, BUT without emotionally getting involved and getting sucked into the client's world... (and I, being the caring person I am, I'd always get drawn in in the beginning, and I'd get tensed and would want to run to "rescue" :) )
Nick Wright
29/2/2016 04:22:12 pm
Hi E.G.and thanks for providing such a useful list of techniques. I had a supervisor for a while who specialises in psychosynthesis. He helped me work on identification and disidentification (which sounds like your engaged disengagement). It felt a bit like mindfulness. I like your emphasis on positive visualisation. It reminds me of ideas in appreciative coaching and human givens therapy, vividly imagining a desired scenario which puts us into the best psychological state and creates a focus and momentum for action. All the best and thanks again. Nick
Cath Norris, MA, BA, Dip Couns
29/2/2016 09:46:32 am
Such a valuable aspect of practice Nick, needs to be integral to training so that coaches can clearly recognise and work on how and why they might get caught up in rescuing. Good to explore the benefits of not rescuing - respecting self determinism, having faith in clients, supporting clients to grow their own muscles and learn through their own experience. I started out as a rescuer, exhausted with trying to carry others - learning to meet rather than rescue my clients required authentically standing in my own power and believing in others. Learning that I didn't need to lose myself in others convinced me to become truly available to meeting others.
Nick Wright
29/2/2016 09:59:53 am
Hi Cath and thanks for sharing such helpful insights. I recognise that feeling of exhaustion. I've had experiences where a client has arrived feeling exhausted whereas I've felt energised. By the time they've left, I've felt exhausted and they've felt energised!
Cath Norris, MA, BA, Dip Couns
29/2/2016 11:19:06 am
Nick, I can relate to the trauma of absorbing and holding onto someone else's pain. It happened with me many years ago with an incredibly painful account of child sexual abuse. I held that trauma in my own womb for many years until my teacher noticed my disconnection when I was counselling someone else around abuse. It was a valuable lesson in how rescuing leads to the wounded healer who is then blocked from authentically meeting others.
Nick Wright
29/2/2016 11:26:54 am
Hi Cath. Wow, that does sound tough. It's great that you had a teacher who noticed the disconnection and was able to work with you to address it. I think I understand better now what you mean by 'witnessing'. In the example I mentioned, I worked with a supervisor who specialises in CBT and Human Givens. She helped me reflect on what need over-empathising fulfilled for me (which I hadn't really thought about before) and on how clients going through such experiences often find coping resources (e.g. with family, community), sometimes unexpectedly, that the 'witness' doesn't have because they're not really living that person's experience in the context of their wider selves and lives. I found that very useful and it has enabled me to hold the tension between engaged and disengaged more constructively and with greater awareness. All the best. Nick
Cath Norris, MA, BA, Dip Couns
29/2/2016 12:23:51 pm
That's such a valuable point Nick - that people are sharing from their own context and experience which we haven't shared. That same realisation made all the difference to me too.
Lani Refiti
29/2/2016 10:01:55 am
Self awareness is key. If you know your edges and when they are triggered it gives you more opportunity to recognise it. Rescuing for me comes out of a need to esteem myself in certain situations. So I'm aware and alert when this is triggered. Supervision also helps.
Nick Wright
29/2/2016 10:07:45 am
Hi Lani. I agree. Self-awareness (and supervision) are key. If we are aware when we are being triggered and what kind of clients or client experiences are most likely to trigger us, we can act with a greater degree of choice. I get triggered if, for instance, a client is trying really hard against very difficult odds and facing serious consequences if they fail or are perceived (by themselves or significant others) to have failed. The risk is that this could draw me out of coaching mode into, say, mentoring mode with an implicit 'I can sort this for you'. Awareness enables me to offer this as an observation (if useful and appropriate) and to contract with a client around options/alternatives. All the best. Nick
Stephen Kavanagh CMILT
29/2/2016 10:48:54 am
Excellent post Nick, a lot of us, myself included fall into the rescue trap all too often. I believe that everyone has an inherent ability to choose to help those who seek our guidance, some ignore this impulse, and others, like our training cohorts, act impulsively for the benefit of our clients, sometimes to the detriment of our own values. Can I add an addendum to your list from above?
Nick Wright
29/2/2016 10:55:42 am
Hi Stephen and thanks for your affirming feedback. I think what you're describing here demonstrates the value of clear contracting from the outset and re-contracting (e.g. revisiting the TNA) where needed, especially if things start to move off the original agreed track. I like to pose 3 contracting questions that help to surface this explicitly: 'What are we here to do?', 'What do we want to be different by the end of the (e.g. hour, day, course)?' and 'How shall we do this?' It provides opportunity to surface hopes, fears, assumptions etc. as well as to negotiate and reach agreement with the client and/or training group. All the best. Nick
Stephen Kavanagh CMILT
29/2/2016 12:25:34 pm
I am in total agreement Nick, I always use the following in my presentations,
Adrian Stokes
1/3/2016 08:56:40 am
I would add 'what have you done before to tackle this', 'what happened', 'is this something I can/should help with?"
Nick Wright
1/3/2016 08:59:10 am
Thanks Adrian. What I notice in your questions is that the first focuses the client's attention on their own behaviour/practice and the last focuses on contracting in the relationship. Both can enable the trainer to avoid inadvertently falling into rescue mode. All the best. Nick
Bonnie Poppe
29/2/2016 01:07:12 pm
Active listening! As long as we are really listening, we have no time to formulate our solutions; we are reflecting back their own! Great article.
Nick Wright
29/2/2016 01:11:46 pm
Thanks Bonnie. Active listening certainly helps. As we work with the clients, we can reflect back what we see, hear and sense to enable the client to grow in awareness. One of the tricky parts is that our beliefs, values, culture etc. can filter what we notice and, in that sense, what we 'listen' to and for. This is, I think, where supervision can be very useful, to enable us to grow in our own awareness and, thereby, enhance our practice. All the best. Nick
Bonnie Poppe
29/2/2016 09:15:01 pm
Thanks, Nick! That's why I am also incorporating the use of strengths in coaching. When you are aware of what "their" top strengths are it's easier to keep our own beliefs out and truly focus on our clients.
Ann Todd: pgcert (psych supv),mba,ba (hons)
29/2/2016 02:30:00 pm
Rescuer - Victim- Persecutor? Thank heavens for Karpman who showed us how easy it is to move around the triangle.
Nick Wright
29/2/2016 02:34:00 pm
Hi Ann and thanks for your interesting comments. I think you pose great questions: 'I wonder how many coaches are 'natural' rescuers? I wonder how many clients are 'seeking' rescue?' In my experience, so much happens within and between coach and client at a subconscious level, that is, out of awareness. It's possible to move around the drama triangle as coach and/or client, even within the same conversation. I agree with you that supervision is helpful. It can enable what lies out of awareness to rise to the surface and, thereby, offer coach and client a greater range of choices as they work together. All the best. Nick
Ann Todd: pgcert (psych supv),mba,ba (hons)
2/3/2016 03:54:59 pm
Nick, I wonder if you find the rescuer more prevalent in the caring sector?
Nick Wright
2/3/2016 03:59:47 pm
Hi Ann. That's an interesting question. I think it's certainly a risk in the care sector where the idea of 'caring' can transpose into 'rescuing', often without realising it. However, I've noticed a similar instinct among leaders and managers in other sectors too, especially if that (e.g. problem solving on behalf of others) is a personal and/or cultural expectation, and/or if it provides people with a sense of value, satisfaction, fulfilment and worthwhile-ness in their work. What do you think? What has your experience been? All the best. Nick
M. R. "Mike" Harvey
29/2/2016 05:38:49 pm
For me, the two most important things to remember are "It's not about me." and I should never deny a client the opportunity to grow and develop through solving their own problems. The art is in the balance.
Nick Wright
29/2/2016 05:45:17 pm
Hi Mike and thanks for the note. 'It's not about me' is a helpful reminder. I frame it similarly but differently: 'What is in the best interests of the client'. The tricky bits are knowing with the client what is in his or her best interest (sometimes harder to discern that it at first appears!) and taking into account wider relationships and systems that are impacted by the client's behaviour, decisions and actions. I like 3D Coaching's use of SOGI (Society; Organisation; Group; Individual) to explore these wider dimensions with the client, e.g. 'What would be a great outcome for X?' All the best. Nick
Joyce Glick
1/3/2016 08:51:41 am
I really don't do rescue mode but it's a learned and well practiced skill - best tip if you feel like rescuing , breathe deep and ask more curious questions one at a time with plenty of space for client to answer.
Nick Wright
1/3/2016 08:54:12 am
Hi Joyce and thanks for the note. It strikes me that, 'If you feel like rescuing...' calls for a practised here-and-now awareness, an ability to notice what's going on for me as I engage with the client, not just what's happening for the client. Deep breath and curiosity are always good. :) All the best. Nick
Maria Varallo
1/3/2016 12:16:22 pm
Great questions that come up in and should come up in supervision.
Nick Wright
1/3/2016 12:17:29 pm
Thanks Maria. Yes, these are the kind of issues that prove the value of skilful supervision. All the best. Nick
Prasanna Seshadri
1/3/2016 12:18:20 pm
Sir, well everything depends on one's sense of values and proper sense of proportion in life. These in turn are dependent on one's present wisdom of life. Wisdom of life depends on one's ultimate goal/ideal in life, the dedication, devotion and consistency of purpose till the goal is achieved. The more selfless the goal/ideal, more powerful will be one's insight into the Truth and realities of life. Your point is absolutely valid.
Nick Wright
1/3/2016 12:23:03 pm
Hi Prasanna and thanks for the note. I think the notion of selflessness is very interesting in relation to 'rescue'. Some practitioners I have observed have fallen into rescue because they believe that is the selfless thing to do - in a sense, to sacrifice themselves for another by taking the other's problems or burdens onto themselves. Another very different way of thinking about selflessness is to consider what is in the best interest of the client. That opens different options and requires the coach to act from a different intention and to adopt a different stance. With best wishes. Nick
Pamina Mullins
1/3/2016 12:24:38 pm
Good question Nick - the risk factor is high for those in the CARING professions. That's why during my coach practitioner course training I put a heavy emphasis on SELF CARE FIRST and remaining OBJECTIVE.
Nick Wright
1/3/2016 12:31:05 pm
Hi Pamina and thank you. Yes, I agree that it's a risk for anyone drawn into a 'caring' role or profession. I believe there are situations where rescue is the right or best response. In other situations, it is inappropriate or unhelpful. This partly comes down to what I perceive my role to be, what I believe about the client/context, what I believe is called for and what I choose to contract with the client.
Terrence H Seamon
1/3/2016 12:32:49 pm
The idea of "OD supervision" is intriguing to me. Is this a UK concept? Do we have something similar in the US?
Nick Wright
1/3/2016 12:37:17 pm
Hi Terrence and thanks for the note. Good question. In the UK, I've borrowed the language of 'supervision' of OD practice from coaching and counselling fields. It would probably more commonly be known as mentoring or consultancy. Interestingly, most OD practitioners I know don't have a supervisor/mentor. Instead, I and they tend to network widely and this provides an invaluable opportunity for informal peer support and challenge. It's also one of the benefits I find of blogging. The fascinating range of responses I receive from others in different continents and sectors helps me to refine and refresh my own thinking, ideas and practice. So - a big thank you!! :) All the best. Nick
Terrence H Seamon
2/3/2016 08:56:49 am
You're welcome. And likewise to you and the great questions/topics you pose to get us thinking and sharing.
Joan Malay
1/3/2016 01:42:05 pm
This is the easiest trap to fall into. Sometimes rescuing is more expedient. Sometimes it just feels good. I would specifically call out of your "unintended consequences" checks and balances question "Is this sustainable?". When I rescue, I implement my plan and am surprised when others can't pick it up and run with it after I'm done. But, they don't own it.
Nick Wright
1/3/2016 01:48:47 pm
Hi Joan and thanks for the note. I think you draw important attention to some of the factors that motivate us to rescue, e.g. expediency or making us feel good. 'Is it sustainable?' is a good question too. I once trained with a community development agency called AVEC. They had a useful way of thinking about this: When do I need to be directive? When do I need to be non-directive? When do I need to positively withdraw? The answer to these questions depends, of course, on what I believe about myself, my role, the client, their role, what we have contracted to do and how etc. I agree with you that important aspects include capacity and ownership. If I rescue and always rescue, I need to consider what the unintended consequences of that are for myself, the client, our respective time and wider responsibilities, other people who are implicated and impacted in the system etc. All the best. Nick
Jane Keep
1/3/2016 04:12:00 pm
Guess its the same for all jobs/roles and life - how do we know when it is true to support, help at any given time? do we go for what is 'right' rather than what is true? When we do help. support, or even meddle, is that because we have invested self in it e.g. we are looking for acceptance, for recognition or to gain something from it (e.g. be seen as the hero/saviour?). In any of our work including OD it is about continuing to deepen our self awareness and self observation and self honesty so we know when we are jumping in needlessly or when we are getting self in the way, and learning when it is true to 'save' or support where needed.
Nick Wright
1/3/2016 04:16:12 pm
Hi Jane and thanks for posting such helpful reflections. I like your emphasis on deepening self-awareness, self-observation and self-honesty so that we are able to recognise our underlying motivations, our underlying triggers, that may lead us to act in rescue mode. I've certainly stepped in, meddled, got in the way, looked for acceptance, looked for recognition, wanted to be seen as the hero/saviour - all of those things at some time or other! Thanks again. All the best. Nick
Jane Keep
2/3/2016 08:57:35 am
One of the things that has helped me stay out of meddling or rescuing is to learn to feel what is needed in any given moment with a group or project. Sometimes we can see ahead - we know what is needed, yet, we can enact it in the wrong timing - in that it isn't ready for that intervention at that time, but a true time will come. Also I may see as a seasoned OD practitioner certain interventions that are needed, but there is then a translation, a bridging if you like as to how to best 'land' that intervention in a way that is where the group or program is - and not from where I see it - so tactically which one next step is needed in its simplicity to mobilise or support at any given moment. We have for a long time tried to rescue things such as the problems in Africa (starvation etc) yet there are reasons why these 'solutions' haven't been successful - which are deeper rooted or more than may meet the eye.
Nick Wright
2/3/2016 09:05:37 am
Hi Jane and thanks for sharing more useful insights. I agree with your emphasis on timing and engaging tactically with the client where they are. It isn't always easy but has a greater possibility of success. I remember belonging to an OD network where colleagues would complain frequently about leaders 'not getting it'. They appeared unaware of how their own language and frameworks (OD jargon etc) were alien and bemusing to the clients they were working with. I've worked for many years in charities and international NGOs and can certainly relate to your comments about problems in Africa and other parts of the world. I see similar patterns emerging in Europe in its dealings with the current 'migrant crisis' - often well-meaning interventions that are creating perverse incentives and unintended consequences, with high personal, social and political costs. But that's another conversation..! All the best. Nick
Donna Speller Turner
1/3/2016 09:12:58 pm
There's a saying I repeat to myself (and sometimes to my client) -- "I do NOT have a horse in YOUR race." It's my handy way to remind myself that I do not own the situation/challenge/problem. My role is to accept what is, help the client figure out the part(s) they want to change/adjust, and help them to find THEIR appropriate (as in BEST) path forward. It truly is NOT about me and not about rescuing the client. I too am interested in the "OD supervision" concept....please share more.......
Nick Wright
1/3/2016 09:16:06 pm
Hi Donna and thanks for the note. I love that expression: 'I do not have a horse in your race'! Excellent. Looks like a number of people are interested in some kind of supervision for OD professionals. It's common practice in other fields such as coaching and therapy. I have 2 'supervisors' for my OD practice. It helps to keep me sharp, at my learning edge, and professionally accountable. I would be interested to hear of others' experiences too. All the best. Nick
Kris Fannin
1/3/2016 09:17:41 pm
This one is SO incredibly tough for me, but necessary to monitor. Trainers are naturally leaders. As a leader, it's our instinct to fix, help and save.
Nick Wright
1/3/2016 09:24:03 pm
Hi Kris and thanks for posting such an honest response. I'm impressed that you aware of the risk of or tendency to step in to rescue and that you step back and monitor this. I think that kind of self-awareness is key. It enables us to make choices about how to act and respond, rather than being driven by internal or external impulses, pressures or expectations. All the best. Nick
David Goodman
1/3/2016 09:25:00 pm
This is not necessarily an easy or difficult issue to address - it depends upon your intent and purpose. If you were a student with a learning disability/challenge, and the teacher was the coach/trainer, is the teacher a rescuer or someone providing/teaching learning options in order for the student to succeed? If you as the trainer jumped in right away before the learner could address the issue, then you are a rescuer. If during the break, you proposed the exact same solution during a private conversation but you pose the solution as "what do you think" or "if it were x, how would you respond", I do not believe in the later situation you are a rescuer.
Nick Wright
1/3/2016 09:28:32 pm
Hi David and thank you. I think that's a useful insight in this conversation. What constitutes 'rescue' or 'helpful intervention' depends partly on the client and situation. I often ask myself, 'What would be the most facilitative intervention for this client in this situation at this time?' That enables me to have a clear intention (facilitation of the client) and to take specific client, relational or systemic conditions into account. All the best. Nick
Sarah McIlwaine
1/3/2016 09:29:47 pm
I see this issue with managers across businesses I work with all the time. I use this issue as part of the Transactional Analysis workshop and also time management. Not picking up the phone on the first ring is such a powerful tool. I've always tired to remember about empowering people ... Although it can be trying when they struggle for the answer at times. The temptation to just give them the answer is always there!!! Great post Nick.
Nick Wright
1/3/2016 09:35:07 pm
Many thanks, Sarah. Yes, I notice the same pattern of behaviour with many of the managers I work with, coach and train. I think TA can provide powerful insights into here-and-now relating which makes it very useful for raising awareness and exploring alternative behaviours. My sense is that there is no fixed right or wrong insofar as giving advice or directing is concerned. It's something about intention, role, client context, contract etc. and paying attention to potential implications of our interventions. I'd be interested to hear more about 'not picking up the phone on the first ring'! Sounds intriguing. All the best. Nick
Scott Gingold
1/3/2016 09:36:44 pm
Although more specific to coaching, Mary Beth O'Neill addresses these issues in her book, Executive Coaching With Backbone and Heart.
Nick Wright
1/3/2016 09:37:43 pm
Thanks Scott. I haven't heard of that book before. I'll take a look. All the best. Nick
Shirelon Whisenant
2/3/2016 08:46:21 am
Always be aware of your potential and your limitations. Do not allow others to decide your future because everyone has an opinion.
Nick Wright
2/3/2016 08:47:26 am
Thanks Shirelon. Yes, self-awareness is very important - and useful in this work. All the best. Nick
Brence Walters
2/3/2016 10:48:52 pm
So relevant.
Extus Justin
2/3/2016 08:49:00 am
I think "awareness: is the key in this picture. As long as you're aware that there is a possibility that you might "become a coach who takes others’ issues onto myself, takes on too much responsibility, and thereby avoids challenging and developing the capacities of the client" then you can gauge what need to happen.
Nick Wright
2/3/2016 08:50:04 am
Hi Justin. Yes, an awareness of our own triggers and tendencies is important. All the best. Nick
Eleanor Shakiba
2/3/2016 08:51:35 am
I think questions like this highlight the value of trainers taking on the 'professional supervision' approach used in counselling and therapy contexts. Regular reflective conversations keep us aware of shifts we need to make in our behaviours with groups. Thanks for a great article.
Nick Wright
2/3/2016 08:55:17 am
Thanks Eleanor. This conversation as a whole has raised my awareness of how little emphasis there is on supervision in professional fields such as training and OD in contrast to, say, coaching and therapy/counselling. Interesting...and thought-provoking! All the best. Nick
Kathryn MacNeill CIPD
2/3/2016 12:31:35 pm
As someone keen to work this closely with businesses this is a great reminder - what do they need from me versus what they want from me (as these may not always be the same) and what can I or should I provide in return?
Nick Wright
2/3/2016 12:33:26 pm
Thanks Kathryn. I think you expressed that well...and very succinctly! Need vs want and can vs should are great factors to bear in mind and contract around with the client. All the best. Nick
Susan Morgan
2/3/2016 03:49:13 pm
Nick / Kat, thanks for this - good summary of 'teach a man to fish' view of training which is important to be mindful off. For me the most successful training support is when it is an agitating partner to the business, not passively delivering or papering over the cracks.
Nick Wright
2/3/2016 03:53:05 pm
Thanks Susan. 'Agitating partner' - interesting idea! :) I think another useful frame to consider as trainers is as business partners. I wrote a couple of articles on this, focusing on moving between modes. Let me know what you think?
Rodrigo Collino
2/3/2016 04:00:56 pm
Always worth considering your final questions, thanks for sharing!
Nick Wright
2/3/2016 04:01:45 pm
Thanks for your affirming feedback, Rodrigo! All the best. Nick
Annie McDowall
2/3/2016 04:03:26 pm
A welcome piece, thank you. I tend to be a bit of a rescuer in life, but I find keeping an awareness of the Drama Triangle in mind stops me falling into the trap too often! I think though that my inner rescuer can creep in through the back door: am I too flexible about appointment times? do I offer fee discounts too readily? I wonder how other people's Rescuers sneak around??
Nick Wright
2/3/2016 04:11:43 pm
Thanks Annie. I love the image of the Rescuer creeping in through the back door, sneaking around..! It's as if we can fall into rescuer mode without realising it, or rationalise it when we do realise it. Interesting observations about Victims and Persecutors too. It's something about what we evoke in each other and how we respond.
Joanna Wilde PhD
2/3/2016 04:13:01 pm
Very interesting topic-Thx Nick-and good to hear the idea of supervision and reflective space coming into OD practice. The work on David Smail on outsight is relevant here. The other concern I am exploring is 'self-regulation' and particularly the evidence that shows this is a limited resource and needs feeding everyday-or we are more likely to react emotively. So not just a relational issue but also a demand issue.
Nick Wright
2/3/2016 04:17:39 pm
Hi Joanna and thank you. I'm very interested to hear more about David Smail's work. I like the idea of 'outsight', presumably contrasting with insight. Are there any resources you would recommend to explore this further? I'm also interested in your thoughts about self-regulation. It reminds me of some current thinking about resilience, especially in relation to its social (i.e. not simply personal) dimensions. All the best. Nick
Joe Holmes
2/3/2016 09:15:21 pm
As Ann has mentioned if you are on the Drama triangle then you may be participating in a Game and this would not be safe / healthy for either the coach or client.
Nick Wright
2/3/2016 09:17:58 pm
Hi Joe and thanks for the note. I agree that focusing on contract, process and boundaries can reduce the risk of inadvertently becoming drawn into psychological games. It calls for working with awareness. All the best. Nick
Keri Phillips
3/3/2016 08:57:31 am
Steve Karpman suggested that there is 10% 'okness' within each of the Drama Triangle positions : OK aggression in the Persecutor, OK caring in the Rescuer, and OK vulnerability in the Victim. On that basis it may be a matter of not trying to avoid inadvertently falling into the Rescuer mode - arguably by definition impossible - but treating oneself with compassion when one realises it has, or may have happened.
Nick Wright
3/3/2016 09:01:50 am
Thanks for sharing such a useful insight, Keri. My sense it that it can be valuable to notice where we find ourselves in relation to the client, recognising that this can shift from moment to moment even in the same encounter. In that case, it's not necessarily about avoiding in that situation but rather reflecting on what it might mean, including in the client's wider system or culture. I like your emphasis on compassion! All the best. Nick
Susan Morgan
3/3/2016 07:03:31 pm
Really interesting Nick - contracting to ensure there is explicit understanding of expectations depending on the type of partnership. Thanks for highlighting. Susan
Nick Wright
3/3/2016 07:04:49 pm
Thanks Susan. Yes, I think intention, awareness and contracting are very important indeed. All the best. Nick
Tom Oliver
3/3/2016 07:07:01 pm
It is important for those who coach first, to know themselves and to know who they are not. Some serious study using a Five Factor Model of Personality, particularly looking at your scores in Need for Stability, sub Optimism/Pessimism continuum, Ideally to coach effectively scores in the 45 to 55 range (Realism) on this factor would be helpful. Those scoring high in the Need for Stability are usually very reactive as opposed to being Resilient. Meaning if you fall outside that rang (45 - 55),you can suspend the romantic notion of saving others from themselves. You might also benefit from looking at your scores for Enthusiasm, Trust of Others, (Extraversion) and within Agreement, high scores for seeking harmony. I would also suggest relying on more rigorous assessment other than TA. Best regards. Tom
Nick Wright
3/3/2016 07:13:07 pm
Hi Tom and thanks for the note. I'm not familiar with the specific model you are referring to. However, I agree with you that tools that can raise the coach's personal and relational awareness can be very valuable. With best wishes. Nick
Steve Knight
3/3/2016 09:12:12 pm
Curiosity is better than 'rescue'; a rescue might not be the solution!
Nick Wright
3/3/2016 09:13:28 pm
Hi Steve. Yes, a spirit of curiosity can enable the coach to explore with a client what solution would be most useful for the client. All the best. Nick
Michael Donahue
3/3/2016 09:14:27 pm
The coach cannot play the game. This is the single most powerful distinction. The coach's role is simply to "see and say things that impact the player winning THEIR game. And certainly the best of coaches always insure they have permission to deliver the coaching, so the player understands they get to preform it, use it, consider it, or not. And the coach MUST know the game they player is playing. (intention, purpose, reasons, etc. etc.)
Nick Wright
3/3/2016 09:19:21 pm
Hi Michael and thanks for the note. It sounds like you're proposing that the issue belongs to the client and that the coach's role is to facilitate the client's success. I agree. I'm also interested as coach to consider the impacts of the client's success on others in their wider relationships and systems. It raises interesting ethical issues for the coach - and for the client - that can become an important and useful part of the coaching conversation and contract. What do you think? All the best. Nick
David Posey
3/3/2016 09:21:30 pm
I'm a fan of asking 'What have you tried, so far, to address the problem?' This question explicitly does not take ownership of the problem, nor saddle the other person with a suggestion that it's _their_ problem alone. Sometimes the person raising the problem is not the actual owner, but is simply raising awareness, and so isn't looking for a solution so much as finding the proper stakeholders...
Nick Wright
3/3/2016 09:29:37 pm
Hi David and thanks for the note. I think you raise a very interesting and important issue about who owns the issue that a client presents. Enabling a client to explore an issue in relation or against the backdrop of, say, wider relational or organisational accountabilities and influences can be helpful.
David Posey
4/3/2016 08:35:25 pm
Hey Nick, I think we're sharing a lane, here. Another way to follow up, if the client hasn't tried anything, is 'Do you have any possible ideas for how to proceed?' If no, 'Would you be interested in hearing some ways that others have tried, in similar circumstances? Maybe we could evaluate them together?' And so on. Clients are very frequently looking for help making difficult decisions - if we, as coaches, make the decision for them, what have they learned? The better coaching/mentoring approach, is, I think, to model solid decision-making habits - preferably some version of a reusable framework.
Nick Wright
4/3/2016 08:43:03 pm
Hi David. Some more great questions there! Thanks for sharing. I've sometimes found that clients can get stuck when asked to think of options. In fact, they often come to coaching because they can't see any options and feel stuck. One idea, as you shared, is to offer options (which feels a bit like mentoring) then to invite the client to evaluate them or to explore what other ideas they may have evoked. One of my colleagues, Claire Pedrick (3D Coaching) uses a great technique which, if interested, I described here: http://www.nick-wright.com/blog/one-extreme-to-the-other Let me know what you think? All the best. Nick
Steve Kopp
4/3/2016 01:18:28 pm
Zerka Moreno, in an article about the psychodramatist, said that we are in the role of midwife - there to facilitate the delivery. That image has stayed with me for many years, and seems to apply to therapists and coaches as well. I am there to make it a safe delivery, but cannot take responsibility for causing the pregnancy or raising the child afterwards. So too in coaching, the client has the goal, objective, dream. And I'll be midwife.
Nick Wright
4/3/2016 01:22:20 pm
Hi Steve and thanks for sharing such an interesting and evocative metaphor! I wonder if, in coaching, there's something about how I contract with the client around the delivery so that we each play a distinctive role in that process but work together to ensure it achieves a useful outcome for the client. That would parallel the mother (and father/partner)'s role in the delivery experience - working with the midwife to achieve a safe delivery and not expecting the midwife to take sole responsibility for what happens in the delivery room. What do you think? All the best. Nick
Richard Simpson
4/3/2016 04:49:14 pm
What if knowing oneself is a delusion?
Nick Wright
4/3/2016 04:54:06 pm
Thanks Richard. That's an interesting question. I believe that our sense of self is in continual process of being personally and socially constructed. That means that knowing ourselves is always limited by, e.g. what we and others perceive, what interpretations we and others apply, what experiences we are exposed to and how we and others notice us responding. Having said that, we and others are able to observe patterns in our behaviour that can provide us insight into how we typically approach and work with, say, clients in a coaching context and what the impacts of that are. I think that kind of knowing can be very useful as a basis for self-awareness and improving our practice. All the best. Nick
Doaa K. PMP, CBP, CCT
4/3/2016 05:10:11 pm
Nick you are so right. I love what you just said. I hate it when i play the role of a "rescuer"; it feeds my sense of pride and takes away from my client's credibility (or my team's, or my child's credibility, etc.). After all our mission as trainers or coaches is to take our client's hand and walk them through the experience they need to learn, not carry them and cross over.
Nick Wright
4/3/2016 05:12:29 pm
Thanks Doaa. Yes, I think you expressed well what can drive our desire to 'rescue' and what some of the implications can be for us, the client and/or others. All the best. Nick
Tracey Hutchinson
4/3/2016 08:30:52 pm
TA is a fabulous tool for creating awareness of my own involvement in a client's drama. I also find NLP amazing for staying out of the client's 'story', yet being such a powerful method of bringing insights.
Nick Wright
4/3/2016 08:32:34 pm
Thanks Tracey. Yes, I agree on the TA front. I'm interested: would you be willing to say a bit more about what insights and techniques you have found useful from NLP? With thanks. Nick
Susan Boartfield
5/3/2016 11:41:08 am
When as a coach we understand we are facilitators of the client's evolution. We would not be coaches if we were not compassionate. With that being said, we are not serving our clients by rescuing them. A coach's role to help the client stand in their own power, by gracing them with their own path. Life is choice, and it is our role to aide the client in making their own choices. Victimhood is a choice. We can ask powerful questions, take them through processes, give them the tools to make the best choices for themselves, but it is not our job to make their choices. It is their journey to take. I disagree, rescue is a disempowering choice. If they need rescuing I feel it would be my responsibility to guide them to a therapist. Coaches empower clients....Blessings
Nick Wright
5/3/2016 11:46:51 am
Hi Susan. Thanks for sharing such though-provoking ideas. Is compassion a necessary condition for effective coaching? I wonder... I like your emphasis on the client's own path, choices, journey. It's something about remembering who is responsible for which part of the coaching experience and contracting explicitly around that. I think it's also about being aware of our own triggers, our own temptations so to speak, so that we don't inadvertently step outside the boundaries of the contract or of our own role and expertise. All the best. Nick
Michael McHugh
5/3/2016 11:48:30 am
Excellent article, it's all about self-awareness and being clear about having a non-directive facilitating role and staying in it. But a part of me says "horses for courses", there are some people in my experience who may need you to be a bit more directive, and of course there are times when you do need to rescue...this is why I love working with a co-facilitator with groups, as an experienced partner can notice where I'm getting "caught"!
Nick Wright
5/3/2016 11:53:23 am
Hi Michael and thanks for the encouraging feedback. I like the pragmatism in your approach. I agree that self-awareness is very important and I would add social and political awareness too. If I sense that moving between modes with the client, e.g. from coaching to mentoring or 'rescuing', is in the client's (or another's) best interest, I try to do that with awareness and by explicitly re-contracting with the client. This avoids role confusion and blurred boundaries and keeps the responsibility for 'what next' in the relationship as something held by both coach and client. All the best. Nick
Marcie Dunnet
5/3/2016 01:36:09 pm
I think self-efficacy is an important component here. On the soccer field, there will be some who know how to work the field, manipulate the ball, and score. However, there will be some that have no idea how to navigate the ball, judge others intentional plays, or have the aggression to thrive. Additionally, midwives are important with births, but there are sometimes complications. It is important to be able to fall back on the stability of knowledge. The therapist (coach, midwife) should be prepared for differentiated instruction. Self-efficacy is a great start. If we are confidant with ourselves and understand that we all have the ability to adapt and overcome any situation, the "course" will look more like fun challenges rather than roadblocks.
Nick Wright
5/3/2016 01:40:47 pm
Hi Marcie and thanks for the notes. If I understand you correctly, you are saying that sometimes mentoring (e.g. sharing of knowledge and experience) can be useful alongside coaching (e.g. enabling the client to think through issues for themselves) in service of the client's development? If so, I would agree with you, especially with, say, managers who are less experienced. In this case, I would want to ensure that, in contracting, I and the client are clear and in agreement about what I, we and they are here to do and to re-contract if we shift roles as needed. Let me know what you think? All the best. Nick
Marcie Dunnet
6/3/2016 10:56:20 am
Yes! Giving them the necessary tools they need to accomplish their goals. We all know every case is different. I was also referring to self-efficacy as a component to help emphasize that difficult situations and unpredictable outcomes in life can be overcome as long as people believe in themselves. Oftentimes, individuals do not see the strength, endurance, coping skills, and confidence they have. It takes a therapist, counselor, life coach, etc. to help establish the foundation for confidant building blocks.
Sharon Lovoy
5/3/2016 04:21:47 pm
In the end, I want them to fix their problems and equip them with the skills necessary to do that. I tell those with a feeling preference in MBTI classes that being a feeler is like standing on a dry dock when a person floats up to you with a boat full of holes. If you jump in the boat with them, now both of you are drowning and you have lost your usefulness. Wearing someone else's pain or problems just drags down two people. And if you wear their pain, you cease to be clear thinking because tending to pain takes energy and effort with nothing left to be creative.
Nick Wright
5/3/2016 04:27:42 pm
Hi Sharon. What a great metaphor! Is your sense that people with, in MBTI terms, a 'feeling' preference are more likely to fall into rescuer mode? Maybe. I'm not sure. I have a 'thinking' preference but, by the stance I take in relationships and conversations, colleagues often assume I have a feeling preference. One day, I came back to my desk to discover that a colleague had stuck a post-it note on the back of my chair with the words: 'I think, therefore I feel'. It made me smile. It's something about my values, what I think/believe is right, that often drives me towards, e.g. empathy. Love your final quotation from Facebook. :) All the best. Nick
Linda Lehtonen
6/3/2016 02:38:20 pm
I am aware that being a "helper" can make me blind to my own need to control the field by care taking... not caring or care giving but care taking . I also meet people where they are and 'hold them able". They know what to do when I treat them with respect and ask them. If they say I don't know when I ask, I simply say, "well if you did know, what would you do" and they always have a workable, often brilliant answer. I believe 60% of doing this work is in doing our own work and getting out of our way. Organizations create dependency and compliance in their people. And we as practitioners need to stand at the edge of the tribe and see people in their strength and greatness.
Nick Wright
6/3/2016 02:43:39 pm
Hi Linda and thanks for sharing such interesting and profound reflections. I think I agree wholeheartedly with you on all points, especially in terms of 'hold them able', 'if you did know' and 'strength and greatness'. I found your insights about care taking vs caring or care giving fascinating and thought-provoking! Lots to think about... All the best. Nick
Rodney Wilson II,Mpsy.D,CAMS
6/3/2016 06:20:57 pm
Good conversations, thanks to all. I like to think of OD practitioners of being in the business of helping clients help themselves. Peace and Blessings.
Nick Wright
6/3/2016 06:23:38 pm
Thanks Rodney. A colleague said recently that she sees our work as being about increasing people's resourcefulness, whether that be with individuals, teams, organisations, communities etc. I like that idea of resourcefulness. It can point beyond the individual to their wider cultural groups, spiritual dimensions etc. Peace and blessings to you too. Nick
Kathryn Helene
6/3/2016 07:34:43 pm
I think the line between helping and teaching can be very fuzzy at times, particularly in the early stages and especially with folks further down the organizational ladder. Sometimes a "leg up" can lead to greater independence.
Nick Wright
6/3/2016 07:38:29 pm
Hi Kathryn and thanks for the note. I once ran 2 coaching schemes: 1 for experienced executives and 1 for new managers. When we evaluated the schemes, executives reported how they values space to process their experiences. New managers reported how they sometimes felt debilitated by non-directive coaching because they didn't believe they had enough experience (yet) to process. They said they would have preferred mentoring at that stage of their careers. Interesting. The question it begs for me is, 'What would be most facilitative for this client in this situation at this time?' I think that correlates well with what you are proposing here. All the best. Nick
Astrid Robinson
6/3/2016 11:03:36 pm
Thank you Nick a really good reminder to be conscious of how far down the rescue road you are prepared to go, as it always seems that once you start with one delegate it can snowball and high jack your initial intention.
Nick Wright
6/3/2016 11:08:10 pm
Hi Astrid and thank you. Yes, I've learned to articulate my desire to rescue to myself, if I find myself feeling that desire, and sometimes to the delegate if in a training context, e.g. 'I'm noticing my need to rescue...and I'm wondering what would be most useful for you?' I did this recently when a delegate started to cry during coach training practice. She, the coach, replied to say that she would have felt humiliated if I had tried to rescue her and that she would prefer to have a moment to gather herself, then to continue. It was a good outcome! All the best. Nick
Leah Shmerling CMF
7/3/2016 08:54:33 am
As trainers, we bring in our preferred mode of relating to course participants. If our style is to rescue, this will be our behaviour. If our style is to empower and build resilience, that that is what we will do. It starts with our self-knowledge.
Nick Wright
7/3/2016 08:58:27 am
Hi Leah and thanks for the note. Yes, self-knowledge is important. It's also something about our beliefs about ourselves and the client(s), our role, our intention etc. - all of which are outworked, sometimes subsconsciously, through our stance and behaviour. What do you think? All the best. Nick
Leah Shmerling CMF
10/3/2016 11:13:42 am
Yes Nick, it is what we bring to the training - our authentic self of our beliefs about ourselves, our clients/course participants, values, our role, our experiences - the richness of our life journey.
Nick Wright
10/3/2016 11:15:13 am
Hi Leah and thanks for the note. Yes, all those things influence the stance we take with a client or training group. If we do this intentionally and with awareness, we are less likely to inadvertently fall into rescuer mode. All the best. Nick
Andrea Hannah
11/3/2016 08:44:00 am
I use Karpan's Drama Triangle to mostly steer my own internal dialogue, sometimes sharing with the client, depending on the relationship. Usually the inner voice is saying 'stay out of the triangle', sometimes on a continuous loop, clients can be seductive in their quest to be rescued!
Nick Wright
11/3/2016 08:54:33 am
Hi Andrea and thanks for the note. Yes, the Drama Triangle can be a useful frame to raise here-and-now awareness. I agree that 'clients can be seductive in their quest to be rescued'. I think it's also true that, conversely, coaches can inadvertently seduce clients into need-to-be-rescued mode.
Leanne Wakeling
13/3/2016 05:07:37 pm
Hi Nick, such a great question. For many of us, coming to coaching has been about that we love to help people. As a coach however our role is to facilitate the client finding their own answers. I have found that truly listening to the client, not to give them an answer, rather to feel their reply. Listening from the heart, rather than the head has been key. If we truly focus on our client, then we are in a stronger position to guide them. Listening to the context meaning where are they on the hierachy of language or ideas making it easier to know which direction to take the exploration. Staying out of the story(content) means a much greater chance of avoiding problem solving because we are not listening to the story to start thinking of solutions. Over time we are then of far greater value to the client, through empowering them and developing their own problem solving skills.
Nick Wright
13/3/2016 05:13:10 pm
Hi Leanne and thanks for sharing those insights. My experience is similar. When I first started supervision and coaching, I focused quite a lot on the story, the issue, the challenge that the client presented. It meant that I risked stepping too far into the client's situation with them. Over time, I have learned to focus on the client rather than the story, with the story as a backdrop if you like. This has meant focusing on the here and now - what I and the client experience as we work together, as the client works on their own story etc, and on facilitating process (how we work together) rather than getting too drawn into content. All the best. Nick
Ann Todd: pgcert (psych supv),mba,ba (hons)
17/3/2016 10:44:36 am
I was thinking not just of managers/leaders but also volunteers which make up such a large part of NGO people hours. Some NGOs I've worked with have had some enormously innovative, and charismatic individuals as founder/leader and I do think that is attractive to some volunteers. How do you separate the attraction of the 'mission' from the attraction of the charismatic leader?
Nick Wright
17/3/2016 11:00:08 am
Hi Ann. I've worked in charities and INGOs for most of my adult life and have observed the influence of charismatic leaders and different motivations for personal, social, political, environmental change etc. A great example was Bob Hunter and Greenpeace (I just watched the DVD, How to Change the World this week!).
Ann Todd: pgcert (psych supv),mba,ba (hons)
22/4/2016 12:49:38 pm
Those in need of 'rescue' doing the 'rescuing' of others in order to quieten the internal panic and the very comforting sense of meaning and finding like minded others ? I have observed some 'interesting' dynamics within 3rd sector organisations including some where the staff could be described as victims of this dynamic which are a real impediment to effective service delivery........ Like what you say in that such organisations need to be clear about purpose.
Joanna Wilde PhD
20/3/2016 09:06:39 am
Thanks Nick-vey thought provoking. My experience has been that the 'helping' dynamic varies with different people and different organizations... and like Richard questions-more a matter of being aware of the system narrative (with a repertoire of stories to reframe a dynamic if necessary) than focusing on self or specific roles-there are many organisations where the coach as perpetrator in the drama triangle is more of a danger than rescuer-and I've been increasingly focused on how the production of 3-way coaching contract can help with making this explicit and so mitigating risk. I have also got increasingly interested in Bahktin's philosophy of action-and the tension between 'the self that just acrs and the self that knows itself' and how expertise, flow and trust work in action.
Nick Wright
20/3/2016 09:11:14 am
Hi Joanna and thanks for the insights. Your comment about a system narrative reminded me of something similar in Geoff Pelham's new book, 'The Coaching Relationship in Practice' where, drawing on Gestalt, he writes about 'widening the Field'. I'm not familiar with Bahtkin - do you have anything you would recommend looking at in that area? All the best. Nick Leave a Reply. |
Nick WrightI'm a psychological coach, trainer and OD consultant. Curious to discover how can I help you? Get in touch! 
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