Seen and unseen

12/10/2017

Have you ever felt truly seen? Perhaps the romantic gaze of a secret admirer from across the room? Perhaps a boss, colleague or friend who acknowledged your best efforts, talents and achievements? Perhaps an encounter where you felt exposed, vulnerable – and yet accepted? There’s something about being seen that can be and feel tremendously affirming, reassuring and life-giving. In some cultures, it’s as if we don’t truly exist until seen by another; whether that be e.g. God, a lover, a friend or a family member. In some deep existential way, I know that I am because you perceive me.

Consider the alternative: how it is to be and to feel unseen, ignored or invisible. It’s as if, somehow, our very humanity, value and existence can be unrecognised, marginalised or diminished. It can feel socially, psychologically and existentially alienating. I was struck, therefore, by the moving example of a student friend in the Philippines this week who spontaneously stepped outside her own world. This girl visited and said hello to some of the poorest people who live in shacks at the roadside beside her college. In this simple-yet-profound act she saw the unseen and, in doing so, the invisible became visible.

I believe there are parallels in our organisations here. I think back to some amazing leaders and colleagues who have seen me, often spotting gifting and potential that was not-yet-alive in my own awareness. I also think back to places that have felt stifled by hierarchy and bureaucracy, where people were viewed by job titles and as employees rather than as whole, creative, wonderfully-complex human beings. As leader, coach, OD or trainer, who do you see and not-see? What have been your best/worst examples of seeing and being-seen? What can you do to see the unseen..?

34 Comments

Ruby Manalac

12/10/2017 09:03:20 pm

In one of my talks about Emotional Intelligence i spoke about Sawubona which is hello in African Zulu.It means i see you, i see your humanity, i see your dignity when relating to another person.Beyond that, the dreams, aspirations, feelings that should make us all connected.

Nick Wright

12/10/2017 09:07:13 pm

Hi Ruby. Yes, there are strong resonances with this previous related blog: http://www.nick-wright.com/blog/i-see-you What you describe sounds like an interesting combination of emotional, social, spiritual and cultural intelligence.

Stella Goddard BA (Hons) Registered MBACP (Accred)

12/10/2017 09:04:15 pm

What a moving article Nick. Many years ago l did my best to be invisible. I had a mentor at my church. He saw me and put me in a leadership position. I was full of anxiety but knew it was right. He also saw the Counsellor in me and encouraged my training. I owe him a lot.

12/10/2017 09:09:03 pm

Thanks Stella. I found your personal story moving too. On reflection as a counsellor, what do you think lay behind your desire to be invisible?

12/10/2017 11:29:41 pm

Thank you Nick. Now l feel able to be seen. Perhaps what l am about to share will help someone. I wanted to be invisible because l had very low self esteem leading to a sense of not being good enough and a fear of failure. I am so grateful to God, my mentor, my lecturers at Waverley Abbey College where l trained to be a Counsellor and my two personal Counsellors.

12/10/2017 11:34:00 pm

Thanks for your openness and honesty, Stella. Yes, I think there are all kinds of reasons why we may desire, choose, to be unseen. Often it is associated with an anxiety of sorts; whether the source of anxiety is real or imagined. Interesting that you trained at Waverley. I did 4 weeks' residential training there with Selwyn Hughes. A long time ago now!

13/10/2017 10:38:42 am

Nick - These words struck me 'I think back to some amazing leaders and colleagues who have seen me, often spotting gifting and potential that was not-yet-alive in my own awareness' Being at Waverley was life changing - what an incredible place and experience. It is good to be free of the distorted core beliefs I had and able to see the truth about myself. This is a really important aspect of my work with my clients. The truth sets us free.

I concur with your thoughts. There is always a narrative behind the beliefs, thoughts, feelings and response which is crucial to listen to in my work.

I met Selwyn Hughes on two occasions - what an incredible man he was and what a legacy he has left. Good to hear that you have also experienced training at Waverley.

13/10/2017 10:40:09 am

Thanks Stella. 'The truth will set you free.' I agree - and it's a really interesting one when viewed through a social construction lens! :)

Christine Manolakos

17/10/2017 06:19:20 pm

Excellent post. Thanks for sharing.

17/10/2017 06:19:52 pm

Thank you for such encouraging feedback, Christine.

William C. Hensel

17/10/2017 11:58:01 pm

Thanks, Nick. Two quick associations: the intimate greeting among the Na'vi in 'Avatar': 'I see you.' And a line from Abe Lincoln, 'I'm a success today because I had a friend who believed in me, and I didn't have the heart to let him down.'

17/10/2017 11:59:13 pm

Thanks William. Great resonances there. You may find this associated short piece interesting? http://www.nick-wright.com/blog/i-see-you

Maria Wiley

18/10/2017 02:40:48 am

Nick, what a wonderful topic for conversation! As a trainer I’m in the fortunate position to be able to spot and affirm the often hidden or unseen ideas and talent that people bring to the table. Most often it is some time down the track that a student will come back to me and let me know that my acknowledgement at the time was valued and meant a great deal to them.
To be affirmed and to be valued is a powerful thing.

18/10/2017 02:49:18 am

Hi Maria. Thanks for sharing from personal experience. I've noticed that some trainers - subconsciously - notice and affirm people who are most outwardly attractive, extroverted, enthusiastic etc. This can inadvertently leave people who are less classically 'attractive', more introverted or more reflective feeling unseen and unvalued. Good to hear how students have felt acknowledged, affirmed and valued in your classes!

Gage Andres, M.A.

18/10/2017 09:38:08 am

Being seen can create such a huge impact within a person, reinforcing and further developing their skills and strengths. Conversely, hierarchy and getting lost in the bureaucracy can certainly stifle that growth, not only impacting an employee's growth but their productivity, engagement, and overall company culture. Great read!

18/10/2017 09:46:34 am

Thanks Gage! Well said. I worked with one organisation recently where people said they felt overly-constrained by job descriptions whereas they actually wanted to contribute so much more as whole human beings. A lack of opportunities to contribute more fully was creating frustration and disappointment, especially among those who were most engaged. It's as if they were viewed by the organisation through the lens of 'job/role' rather than 'person with a wealth of energy and experience to offer'. One person commented that, 'It's as if we are seen for everything we know and can do at interview...but then so much of that becomes unseen once in role.'

Lisa Etzel LCPC BCC

18/10/2017 12:51:17 pm

It is my belief that we all have the innate desire to be seen. As humans we create relationship whether it be for five seconds, five years or longer where we are seen in many different ways. This openness allows for understanding and vulnerability in many different facets of the client's life through vulnerability our possibilities are endless. This is one reason I love coaching as the relationship is such a gift to be part of and for us to truly SEE someone and then the expansion to be seen by many people in different ways in the clients lives. In the Aboriginal culture they do not say hello or how are you. Aborigines say 'I see you'.

18/10/2017 12:55:53 pm

Hi Lisa. Yes, isn't it curious how important it is to us to be 'seen' by another? This desire seems to lay deep in the human psyche and relationships. I remember working with one girl who said to me afterwards, 'I didn't see myself until you saw me'. Very moving and profound. The aboriginal cultural greeting you mention resonates with a Zulu greeting too: http://www.nick-wright.com/blog/i-see-you

Cindy Espenshade

19/10/2017 03:23:17 pm

This situation really exist in the Philippines for I have seen and grew up an environment like this. Just fortunate to be given an opportunity to experience a better life here in the United States.

19/10/2017 03:24:02 pm

Thanks Cindy. It sounds like you have been through some very big life changes!

Don Philip Faithful

19/10/2017 05:34:36 pm

This is a problem for me since, although I periodically see people, more often than not I see them by the work that they do and the numbers that they generate. It's why I'm thankful for the research I have done - examining management records spanning several decades. I am aware of the alienation and reification that workers can experience - how operations can sometimes become disassociated from underlying social and business realities. I also make an effort to ensure that the characterization of performance is fair, constructive, and in the best interest of the organization in light of its broader strategic objectives.

19/10/2017 05:39:24 pm

Thanks Don. I love the openness and honesty in your response. I think you expressed the dilemma well: 'the alienation and reification that workers can experience - how operations can sometimes become disassociated from underlying social and business realities'. I believe this touches on fundamental underlying personal, organisational and social-cultural beliefs about what organisations are and who or what they exist for.

Paul Brugman

21/10/2017 10:26:48 am

Thank you Nick. It's really a warm reminder for me.

21/10/2017 10:27:33 am

Thank you, Paul. You're welcome.

Colleen M. Andrews

21/10/2017 10:28:26 am

I really like the way you sparked my thoughts with this post! I'm developing some leadership programs on succession planning and we tend to focus on numbers, data, and metrics. Things that don't always measure our people in ways that will create the successful, productive workforce that we're after. This is a great reminder to develop a holistic program that meets financial needs and improves employee engagement.

21/10/2017 10:34:30 am

Thanks Colleen. That's an encouraging response and succession planning is a great place to consider how to 'see the unseen'. I worked with a leadership team recently where we were doing something similar. Drawing on the NLP idea that 'the map is not the territory', I reminded the team that 'the profile is not the person.' It's something about seeing people as they are, not simplistically through the lens of the framework (e.g. JD) that we superimpose onto them. In my experience, that's where the real potential for talent and engagement lays.

Rosa Antonia Carrillo

21/10/2017 10:35:32 am

Another reason why successful leaders spend less time in their office/computer and out getting to know people. Incidentally George H. Mead wrote long ago that we would not know we exist were it not for seeing our reflection in others.

21/10/2017 10:38:04 am

Hi Rosa. Yes, I agree. And great quotation from Mead. There are some interesting ideas in psychodynamic theory and social psychology about how our sense of self is shaped by how we see our reflection in others.

Stephen Hanman

5/11/2017 03:11:21 pm

When people see each other and then are able to see themselves wonderful things can happen. Our book From Me to We: Design & Build a Collaborative Workplace that can be downloaded free of charge at www.CollaborativeEnquiry.com is a five year study of what in a Collabrative construction program. Changes people’s lives& made more money for everyone.

5/11/2017 03:15:17 pm

Hi Stephen. Apologies for the delay but I've just returned from 2 weeks in the Philippines. I spent some time facilitating confidence-building workshops for student teachers and coaching skills using positive psychology/team-building using appreciative inquiry with faculty and staff. It was a fascinating and inspiring experience. Participants were enabled to see themselves and each other in a fresh light...and I was able to see myself through new lenses too. A wonderfully enriching experience for all.

Michael Zroback MA, MEd

5/11/2017 03:16:49 pm

I think we can see the unseen when we engage in true conversations with others . Not the kind of conversation typified by, "Hey, how about those Leafs!" but the kind created by the Institute of Cultural Affairs (ICA) which takes the participants through four levels of conversation and produces a well-rounded exchange. We need more of these in organizations!

5/11/2017 03:20:02 pm

Hi Michael. Yes, I like the ICA's emphasis on 'the human factor'. Learning presence, hearing, seeing, sensing etc. at the deepest levels in conversations and relationships can be truly transformational.

Aldo Delli Paoli

5/11/2017 03:20:54 pm

To be able to count on the support and trust of other people would be ideal to be able to select carefully its employees, making sure to always be surrounded by people who share values. But in any case, to put employees in a position to make the most of their potential, to be able to recognize the value of people, leader must be open to dialogue with them, go beyond the surface, try to figure out who is behind the face of each employee, feel their feelings, capturing the discomfort that can develop within each group, taking time to understand the history, experiences. Knowing is involving, but involve also means to understand, to listen, to communicate.

5/11/2017 03:22:14 pm

Hi Aldo. I agree - and I think you expressed that beautifully.

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