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Sense making when things go wrong

5/8/2013

13 Comments

 
​How do we make sense of situations when it all goes wrong? How do we help clients do the same? I had one such incident this weekend. Having psyched myself up for a long cycle ride, the valve on my rear tyre broke just as I was setting off. I couldn’t fix it so I replaced it with a new tube. When I started to pump that up, however, the tube burst. I couldn’t believe it. End of ride. I felt surprised and frustrated. Why do these things happen? A couple of hours later, however, I felt relieved as the heavens opened with an unexpected downpour of cold rain. If I had made it out on the bike, I would have been caught out in the open, soaked to the skin with no waterproofs. Was this providential? Did the tyres mysteriously go wrong so that I would avoid this storm?

Alison Hardingham cites a Chinese Taoist story that fits the theme well. It describes a farmer in a poor country village. He was considered very well-to-do because he owned a horse that he used for ploughing, for riding around and for carrying things. One day his horse ran away. All his neighbours exclaimed how terrible this was, but the farmer simply said, ‘Maybe’. A few days later the horse returned and brought two wild horses with it. The neighbours all rejoiced at his good fortune, but the farmer just said, ‘Maybe’. The next day the farmer’s son tried to ride one of the wild horses. The horse threw him and broke the boy’s leg. The neighbours all offered their sympathy for this misfortune but the farmer again said, ‘Maybe’.

The story continues. The next week, conscription officers came to the village to take young men away for the army. They rejected the farmer’s son because of his broken leg. When the neighbours told him how lucky he was, the farmer replied, 'Maybe’. (Psychology for Trainers, 1998, p116). The meaning of the story is clear. We are never quite sure of the future consequences of actions or experiences in the present. How we experience events, how we feel about them, is also influenced by how we frame them, how we construct them, what we believe about them. It’s the focus of a number of fields of research including cognitive behavioural psychology and social constructionism.

In this same vein, I’m fascinated by an enigmatic place in the Bible where it describes the Spirit preventing people doing what they had set out to do and, presumably, were convinced was the right thing to do. (If you’re interested, check out Acts 16: 6-8). The point it conveys is that God may at times intervene in human lives to stop us doing something, e.g. if the unforeseen consequences may be harmful to us or others, or if there’s something else that’s more important for us to do. The Bible doesn’t attribute the direct intervention of God to every human experience. Nevertheless, for me, this example opens an intriguing window into a spiritual dimension that has important implications for how I make sense of what happens to and around me.

Quite a while ago, I studied at a college. I really struggled with the whole thing and, since then, have felt a passion to support  students going through similar experiences. Two years ago, the college sent out a flyer asking for coaches and mentors for its students. I felt delighted. This was my moment. I sent an email explaining my background and coaching experience and qualifications, including coaching and mentoring students from other colleges. No reply. I sent another email to the same person. No reply. Bemused, I sent an email to the college administrative team. No reply. Now feeling frustrated, I sent an email to the college registrar. No reply. Was this just a terrible system with poor client care, or was there a deeper principle at work?

I’ve had other similar experiences. Some years ago I worked in a Palestinian hospital in the Middle East. The experience really screwed me up but, on return, I felt desperate to go back. I tried and tried, applying for job after job and yet every one drew a blank.  I tried volunteering with various organisations and still drew a blank. However, in the back of my mind, in my spirit, I had this growing intuition, a 'spiritual discernment', that this wasn’t the right path for me. I don’t know what the consequences might have been if I had gone but this felt more than coincidence. So tell me. Have you had similar experiences where your or a client’s best efforts have failed? What sense have you made of it? What new insights or opportunities emerged as a result?
13 Comments
Bobbie Winston MBA PhD
5/8/2013 11:38:25 pm

Hi Nick, I tend to agree with your way of looking at and making sense out of things that don´t always go the way we would like them to. In my particular life, I have experienced this frequently, when I try to do something that seems important at the time, but regardless of how hard I "push the rock" I just can´t seem to proceed and accomplish the goal. Sometimes it is a relatively simple task like reaching someone on the telephone to give them information or a decision that I´ve made, or perhaps a more challenging endeavor. In either case, when I´m not able to complete the task easily......I usually say to myself, that it is not meant for me to do it, and thank destiny or fate, that possibly played a role by intervening and applied a form of unseen barrier or wall in order to protect me in some way.. I have become quite a believer in this and listen to my inner instinct when these mystical occurrences happen!

Reply
Richard Simpson link
6/8/2013 02:43:26 am

As I began to read your post my mind immediately began to turn to a story I read in a book called Bend, Not Break by the Chinese/US businesswoman Ping Fu - and then that same story emerged in your post! We often attribute the labels (for example:'good' and 'bad' )to our experiences without understanding that both qualities co-exist at all times. What is really important is our being in the world but so often we resist understanding be enveloping ourselves in a blur of activity. Our culture tends to reinforce this by celebrating those who achieve through doing over those who achieve through being - it fits our 'cause and effect' thinking more snugly. I strongly recommend Ping Fu's book, by the way.

Reply
Lieselotte Badenhorst
6/8/2013 03:40:26 pm

Hi Nick, maybe it is providence, but your article/discussion on this subject comes at a time for me where I need it most. Thank you for that. I don't want to tell my (whole) story at this forum, but I've been there and now again I am in a situation where the only way to understand my circumstances and to make peace with it, is to let go and listen to my intuition, which tells me everything is alright as is. What I would like to say however, is that I find it very difficult to live the Taoists way in our society. We are taught in the Western society that we have to make things happen, we need to ‘push our luck’ etc. I visited a friend in Germany recently and a greeting card fell out of her diary in front of my feet , and the translation is more or less like this: “you cannot find your destiny. It will find you, if you are prepared to receive it”. Once again thank you.

Reply
Yvonne Dunne
6/8/2013 03:41:15 pm

Hi Nick, similar situations have occurred in my life. They are too numerous to mention here, but I truly believe, that the direction I was determined to go in, at those times, was wrong for me. I was able to see this farther down the road, however, at the time I was frustrated and angry at being stopped in my tracks.
On the other hand I have found that if the direction I would like to go in, is "right" for me, everything seems to fall into place, with little effort on my part.
I do believe, if we are willing to listen to our inner voice, or intuition, life becomes less fraught, and our vision becomes clearer.

Reply
Terrence Seamon
8/8/2013 10:20:18 am

Nick, When I read your blog post, I had a few thoughts.

One is "Don't sweat the small stuff." Sometimes Murphy gives you a flat tire. Better a flat tire than a serious medical diagnosis.

Another thought comes from my mother who would often say "That's a sign." She would say that phrase whenever Life would put an obstacle up or close a door.

I used to wonder "A sign of what?" Reflecting upon it, I'd say that my mom was not far from the Taoist story or the Bible passage. She had a way of making sense of Life that admitted the possibility of unseen forces at work in our lives.

Does that make sense?

Reply
Peter Young link
15/8/2013 11:32:51 am

What is interesting to me is the emotional charge that is often attached to our labeling of circumstances as 'good' or 'bad'.

It's A level results day today, and if my son does 'badly', or if my daughter does 'well', there is likely to be some emotional content in my voice as I speak to my friends about their outcomes. It's this charge or attachment to a particular outcome that can be especially valuable to reflect on, not least within coaching / counselling conversations. What do my children's results mean to me? What is their significance for my self-concept? What would it say about me if I had a child who didn't live up to my expectations?!

If human and spiritual development is about learning to 'let go', then the labels and judgements we attach to events provide a good indicator of where we may need to start on this journey.

Reply
Brenda Dobell
22/8/2013 06:34:52 am

Great article Nick....I do believe that things do happen for a reason. And when things don't happen, there is also a reason. Many times we don't understand it until years later.

Reply
Graham Webb
22/8/2013 06:35:46 am

I've given up trying to make sense of those type of situations; not in a defeatist way but because I am convinced that God knows what He is doing, that He sees the end from the beginning & that what looks daft, painful, or both, makes perfect sense from His point of view.

I used to try working it out, thinking it through but in the end all I really got was a headache. God is worthy of my trust, whatever is going on around me, & I've reached a point where I can say that's fine with me.

Reply
Karl Goetz
31/8/2013 02:14:41 am

My favorite verse gives me peace this these times when things don't work out according to my plan but Gods plan does work out....

Prov 3:5-6
Trust in the Lord with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding;
in all your ways submit to him,
and he will make your paths straight.

I stop trying to understand and trust. Like you said, God is worthy of our trust.

Reply
Carrie Jeske
31/8/2013 02:15:45 am

Change direction or push through... Pray again for wisdom to know which.

Reply
Brenda Dobell
31/8/2013 02:16:38 am

1 John 4:4b "....greater is He that is in you, than he that is in the world."
Continue to Praise His Name through the trials....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t-Vtk-BqS7U

Reply
Richard Taillefer CGA CFM M.Div
31/8/2013 02:18:02 am

Trials and troubles are not easy to go through, however, we have God's promise that He is working all things together for our good, which is to make us like Jesus Christ, our Lord.

On top of that, although the trial may include death and illness, we can know that nothing happens unless it is permitted by God. Read Job 1 and 2 and you see that Satan has no power to do anything to God's children unless it is part of God's plan.

That all said, the hardest part of a trial is to trust in God who tells us these things. That is why Peter calls it the fiery trial of our faith!

Reply
Ricardo Guinancio
31/8/2013 02:24:52 am

This might make sense if it is questioned and if we stay humble.
If everything is always the danger of pride awaits us.

Reply



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    ​Nick Wright

    ​I'm a psychological coach, trainer and OD consultant. Curious to discover how can I help you? ​Get in touch!

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