Steps

9/2/2019

‘I was embarrassed to ask the king for a cavalry bodyguard to protect us from bandits on the road. We had just told the king, ‘Our God lovingly looks after all who seek him.’’ (Ezra 8:22)

I don’t often laugh when reading biblical texts but this honest, heartfelt confession did make me smile. The writer, a role model and leader, found himself in a daunting situation and the faith he had felt in more secure circumstances now felt pretty daunting too. It was a moment of decision and it feels so contemporary, so real. Would he be willing to put his feet where his mouth had been? I can so relate to that tension. Do I stick with my vision, my beliefs, my values, when things get tough – or do I shrink back, compromise, take the easier road? Am I willing to take genuine steps in faith?

In the UK, we have ‘zebra crossings’ on busy roads, intended to provide safe crossing points for pedestrians. If I stand at the edge of a crossing and see cars flying past at speed, I may well hesitate to step onto the crossing for fear of being injured or killed. In fact, for visitors to the UK, choosing not to step onto the crossing will look and feel like a rational decision. Yet here’s the rub: until I take that first step, that step of faith, the cars are not obliged to stop. It’s only when I do so that the traffic will come to a halt, as if by magic. Change is what happens as we move forward.

So back to Ezra – and to us. Faith is acting on what we believe, as if it were true. I can imagine that daunted feeling, that heart-racing moment, that deep-breaths experience before taking…that…step. It could be an unnerving time, a risk-taking venture, a profound exercise in trust; whether in God, our intuition, research, resources, training – or all of the above. It could also be a thrilling, life-giving adventure, taking us to the edges of what we had dared to imagine possible or hope for. As leader, coach, OD or trainer, how do you enable people to take scary steps? How do you do it too?

48 Comments

Stella Goddard BA (Hons) Registered MBACP (Accred)

10/2/2019 03:04:17 pm

Another thought provoking article Nick - Thank you. When I think about steps I find myself thinking about change. Steps represent movement from one place to another either literally or metaphorically. As a Counsellor I consider where clients are on the Change Cycle. You may well be familiar with Prochaska and DiClemente's Cycle of Change model. I listen to the narrative and themes to allow clients to process where they are (or where they think they are.) It can take time to realise that change is needed. Often people feel stuck, anxious and powerless. We gently challenge self sabotaging thoughts with compassion. We check what resources they have or need and ways to access these. We also look at, how they dealt with similar difficulties in the past. We acknowledge that coming to therapy is a courageous step.

I loved your Zebra on the Zebra crossing. When we are on the pavement, we need to stop and check the trafffic before taking steps to cross. If a car comes hurtling by we may jump back hastily on to the safety of the pavement. I encourage clients to go slowly and when ready not allowing anyone to 'rush you along.' Sometimes I might say something like 'I wonder what one small step you might consider taking?' Is it safe to step out again or at least safe enough?

Nick Wright

10/2/2019 03:07:30 pm

Thanks Stella. I'm not familar with Prochaska and DiClemente's Cycle of Change model. I'd be interested to hear more. Do you have an example of using it with a client that you could share here? I think your comment 'stop and check' is an interesting one. How to exercise a step in faith and, where appropriate, due caution - both at the same time?

10/2/2019 07:18:32 pm

The cycle is about Pre contemplation, contemplation, preparation, action, maintenance, (relapse and learning from each relapse). If you google Prochaska Model there are some great diagrams illustrating this Change Cycle. It's around not being aware that we need to make a change, then becoming aware that we do but feeling anxious about it, then we start/fail/give up. Then hopefully with self-compassion and support we try again until the change has become established.
I like your thought 'How to exercise a step in faith and, where appropriate, due caution - both at the same time?' Yes, in my view and experience.
I am sorry that it won't be appropriate to give a client example due to client confidentiality.

10/2/2019 07:20:00 pm

Thanks Stella. Don't worry - I wasn't inviting you to share something that would breach client confidentiality. I was interested to see what it could look like in practice.

Kathrin

10/2/2019 07:25:03 pm

It's stressful when I have to take a step towards something new or scary. I want to get out of this situation, but I know that's impossible. What can help? Talk, pray or not talk about it? When I talk to a person who does me good, I share the difficult situation. Even if this person can not solve the situation, I now know: someone thinks of me and encourages me to take that step. I am not alone. This also applies if I accompany a person. Being there, asking how it's done, encouraging, being on your side. And pray. And then take the step and know: I'm NOT alone.

10/2/2019 07:38:45 pm

Hi Kathrin. Yes, I think there is something very powerful indeed about being present, being-with, especially when facing difficult trials. It's something I advise leaders when working through change. Although their temptation may be to pull back from people (perhaps because they are worried they won't have answers to people's questions, or that people may be angry with them), the most important thing is often to be proactive and present in simply being there, being alongside. I love how the Bible describes the Holy Spirit as the 'Beistand', literally the one who stands alongside us. That gives me reassurance and hope.

Sara Pearson MSc

12/2/2019 04:00:49 pm

Hi Nick, This reminds me of a specific time in my life when I came across this quote, ‘Faith is taking the first step, even when you don’t see the whole staircase’ (Martin Luther King Jr). At this time I was at a stage in my career where I found myself in a rut, feeling like I had no option other than what I was doing. I needed a change, a new challenge, something that excited and energised me. However, this involved taking a big step outside my comfort zone.
Making that alternative career choice was a daunting prospect, mainly down to my sheer lack of confidence. And despite the fact that I had the skills to make that first step as well as having the people around me supporting and encouraging me to do it, the reality was that my mind-set was governed by fear. Fear of the unknown, fear of failure and of the consequences that failure would bring and fear that I would be making the wrong decision and it wasn’t until I had a ‘bad day at the office’ that I decided to take that leap of faith.
This was probably one of the most difficult career decisions I had ever made, I had two small children, was doubling my working hours, going to a huge institution with minimal knowledge on top of a 50 mile a day round trip journey. In the beginning there were many occasions where I felt regret and fear, to the point of throwing the towel in, but with the support and help from family, friends and colleagues I persevered and have since never looked back.
So back to your questions Nick, how do you enable people to take scary steps? How do you do it too?
Having had such a difficult transition, the best way I felt I could help people to take those scary steps in my OD role was to use my own experience and learning through these guiding principles.
1. Support people to realise their aspirations through, coaching, education, guidance, reward and recognition. Celebrate their successes and encourage them to utilise the strategies that helped them achieve past successes for future goals.
2. Assure people that it’s okay to fail, fear of failure is a natural and universal human phenomenon. Most of us fail at some point in our lives, but it is important to understand that with failure comes learning and growth. Minimise the risk of failure by encouraging people to learn the skills they need to accomplish their goals.
3. Get people to focus on what is possible and to remember that small steps can lead to big changes. Every step achieved increases self-belief and confidence, providing the stimulus and motivation to carry on.
4. Tell people positive things about themselves and encourage them to explore, and build on on the skills they have rather than to focus on the skills they don’t.
5. Encourage people to gain as much insight as they can before taking that first step through research, asking questions, seeking people out who are in the no as this will help to minimise the ‘fear of the unknown’
6. Encourage people to take that first step, success doesn’t just happen, you have to do something about it to make it happen because if you don’t you will just stop moving.

12/2/2019 04:15:35 pm

Hi Sara. Thank you for sharing such honest and personal reflections along with such great insights and ideas from your experience. I can well relate to your earlier experience of 'fear of the unknown, fear of failure and of the consequences that failure would bring.' I too remember feeling trapped in a job that was proving very damaging to my health. A leader I admired greatly and who seemed so much freer than me said, simply, 'Nick - why don't you leave?' It was a great question but I struggled to find a great answer.

Over the years, I learned to be more courageous; more willing to risk succeeding and failing; more open to the idea that sometimes I find myself more resilient and resourceful in new situations than I had imagined when I wasn't in that situation; more trusting that God really is able to do more than I could ask or imagine. I have since studied in 3 separate fields that match my areas of interest and expertise. I am so glad that I have taken these steps!

I found your 6 points interesting. I have learned from working with an extroardinary girl in the Philippines to focus on what is impossible, then praying and working to see it happen - or not. 'It's OK to fail' is a trickier one, especially if failure could have very tough consequences for myself and others. At the same time, I'm discovering that sometimes appears as 'failure' in the moment can open up unexpected adventures that would not have happened otherwise.

I agree with you. Take the first step. We sometimes discover we are braver and able to handle and achieve more than we think!

Ian Henderson

16/2/2019 04:37:46 pm

Insightful as ever Nick - thank you for your wisdom.

16/2/2019 04:38:02 pm

Thanks for your kind feedback, Ian.

Madge Obaseki

21/2/2019 12:39:22 pm

1st one needs to have been there i.e. have taken the scary step so one has tangible experience to share. You can't teach what you've not experienced.

21/2/2019 12:41:08 pm

Hi Madge. Yes, as leaders, personal lived-experience can certainly add to our authenticity, wisdom and credibility.

John (JP) Prpich

21/2/2019 05:13:56 pm

You enable them by delivering the learning the way they want it delivered which at the moment is mobile. Learners require easy access and want to consume learning in smaller quantities and are motivated by a video platform with videos that are 2-5 minutes in length. This is one of the reasons why the luma one platform is the ideal solution. Check out their product at www.luma.one

21/2/2019 05:14:52 pm

Hi John. Thanks for the note. Can you say a bit more about how that helps learners to take 'scary steps'..?

Ivan Petarnichki

21/2/2019 05:56:43 pm

A thought provoking article, Nick! How about short cutting the 6 step process Sara Pearson has described above? Do we as coaches really need it? Does the client want it? It is not a bad process. It helps the client make gradual changes. It has its benefits, but it takes a long time. Instead of making small steps how about making a quantum leap?
Here is what I mean. Instead of helping the client to cross the boundary of his/her current comfort zone how about removing the boundaries or widening them significantly?
I'll try to illustrate my idea with the example given by Nick in this article.
The client is standing on the curb and is afraid to step on the zebra crossing and cross the street.
We can use Sara's 6 steps approach and help him/her make a small step on the crossing trembling and shaking, stay there for a while, realize that he/she is is still alive and it is OK to widen a bit his/her comfort zone. Then make another step further along the crossing, still afraid, but not as much as before, stay there for a while, realize that his/her fears are ill found and he/she is still unhurt, that his/her worst expectations have not come true, then make another step and so on until he/she crosses the road.
Now the client has crossed the road but is he/she convinced he/she can always cross each road safely? Has a new belief been installed and new behavior established? Maybe yes. Maybe no.
How about removing the fear that prevents the client to step on the zebra crossing and cross the road.
This would immediately widen his comfort zone and he/she will step on the crossing without hesitation, procrastination and without any negative emotions that hold him/her back. And the removal of the fear will not eliminate his/her sanity and make him/her make something stupid, like mindlessly cross a highway walking straight into the speeding cars.
This can be clearly demonstrated with people who have phobias of heights or elevators. Instead of making them take baby steps and slowly overcome their fear a simple and fast working phobia elimination techniques can be used to completely eradicate their phobias.
After the phobia has been eliminated the person may find him/herself on the balcony at the top floor of a tall building or in an elevator and suddenly realize he/she has got there without even thinking about it and without feeling any of his/her previous phobia symptoms. He/she would behave as if he/she has never ever before had any problems or challenges looking down form the 25th floor of a building or using elevators.In our case the client would suddenly realize that for him/her using a zebra crossings is a natural behavior that does not require any second thoughts.
Wouldn't that be a simpler, more beneficial for the coach and the client and less effort and time consuming approach?
I personally prefer to use the highway than the slow and steady road.
Having wrote the above I realize both approaches have their pros and cons. It is a matter of personal preference which one to use.I believe the primary goal of a coach is to make the client take action. And what prevents the client from taking action is the association of the action or the end goal with pain and struggle. Once this association is removed taking the action becomes natural, pleasant and effortless. The most interesting thing is to observe how once the negative emotion that is holding the client back has been removed the thinking of the client changes instantly and he/she becomes more resourceful.
We live in a fast paced world seeking instant gratification. Time is our most precious asset and we all choose how to spend it.
When given an option I would always use a shortcut.
What about you?

21/2/2019 06:48:57 pm

Hi Ivan. You pose an interesting challenge! I'm curious: do you have any examples from experience you could share of where you have used an accelerated 'phobia elimination' technique along the lines you describe here?

By the way, did you see this TV documentary, 'Vertigo Road Trip', on using exposure therapy? https://vimeo.com/132444693 Well worth a watch!

You may also find this short piece interesting? http://www.nick-wright.com/blog/light-crispy-spicy It resonates with some of the ideas you describe here. Let me know what you think?

22/2/2019 11:14:24 am

Hi Nick! Exposure therapy is exactly what I refer to as the slow and windy road to the desired destination. The core concept is showing the clients how illogical and ill founded their thinking is and how irrational their fears are.(06:10) and teaching them to use reason to fight it. I would like to stress on the word FIGHT. In the concept I propose there is no fighting. The whole fight - flight - freeze response is annihilated.

I have many cases I can share. But here are two extreme ones. I used to work as a pilot of airplanes and as a flight instructor for a while.I had a trainee pilot who would get absolutely incapable to do anything in the cockpit when he had to train putting the airplane in an induced spin and recover from it. And this was a compulsory part of his training. So he had to be able to do it.
In this procedure the airplane is gradually put in a position where the wings can no longer produce enough lift and suddenly the aircraft dives towards the ground spinning around its vertical axe. If the pilot tries to stop the spin using the staring wheel, which is his intuitive reaction, the spin becomes worse and the airplane becomes uncontrollable and crashes.

Notice that the approach to the critical point where the lift produced by the wings is insufficient is gradual, but after that point is reached everything happens extremely fast and a wrong reaction within seconds can result in a crash and death of everyone involved.
Gradual exposure to this scenario would have to be done in a very expensive simulator. So that was not an option. After the critical point things happened so quickly that there was no possibility of gradual exposure.
At that time I worked with EFT (Emotional Freedom Techniques) and NLP (Neuro-Linguistic Programing) so this is what I used on the ground before the flight with this trainee. After one therapy session he was able to perform the maneuver (with me in the cockpit) for a first time without racing heart, razing blood pressure and frozen limbs.
He had to apply the technique I showed him one more time prior to his exam to remove some residual anxiety. He is now flying commercial jets for the national carrier and is praised on his skills and performance.

Another case is with a pilot I flew with who had a life threatening situation involving severe turbulence and became so afraid that he did not want to fly anymore. Gradual exposure approach was attempted with him but entering turbulent conditions in the air happens usually quite suddenly and even at the slightest shaking of the airplane he would produce severe anxiety symptoms that would incapacitate him of making any rational decisions and flying properly the aircraft.
I had one session with him and his anxiety and turbulence phobia was gone.
I have plenty of similar examples of people I have worked with and I am using simpler and faster result producing techniques now. These techniques can be used by coaches in all niches to upgrade their own mindset and get rid of their own fears of rejection, sales, charging higher fees, etc. as well as to produce faster and more profound results for their clients and get them from point A to point B with less struggle.
As a coach I would take Light, Crispy and Spicy any time it is offered to me. :)

22/2/2019 11:21:57 am

Hi Ivan. Thanks for sharing such great, dramatic and detailed examples from pilot training. Very vivid! :) I'm curious. What techniques did you use from EFT and NLP that made such a difference?

In exposure therapy, it's partly about challenging cognitive beliefs and distortions. It's also about learning through experience. I am exposed to graduated levels of perceived risk and discover experientially that I survive.

Are you familiar with Gestalt? It's another experiential approach that can sometimes achieve dramatic results very quickly. Here's a case study example you may find interesting? http://www.nick-wright.com/just-do-it.html

23/2/2019 11:35:38 am

Hi Nick! I am familiar with the concepts of Gestalt therapy. And I have experimented with versions of it. As everything else it has its merits. But it aims to make the unconscious conscious and to elicit a meaning from which learning is drawn. This is another slow approach. Understanding the problem, finding the source of the problem, learning lessons from the problem is helpful, but not necessary to eradicate the problem. The problem could be annihilated without any conscious thought or learning to be attached to it. As the creation of the problem was unconscious so can be the learning and the meaning. They can all be unconsciously acquired if that is necessary for the resolution of the problem. This is what my experience shows and this is where the development of simpler, faster and easier to implement psycho-therapy techniques is heading.
For example - Talk therapy was the original psycho therapy where acquiring understanding and meaning was the goal. But it took months and even years to get results with it. Then came Gestalt therapy where still understanding and meaning were sought after, but they were found faster through the involvement of movement.

So the combined approach of mental(psycho) and physical(soma) produced faster results.
Then NLP came along with its concepts of making the intangible tangible - metaphorizing the problem, changing the sub-modalities and re-framing the problem. This again shortened the therapy time. Then TFT, EFT, EMDR and many other techniques in the so called Energy Psychology field appeared that used the psycho-somatic approach combined with NLP principles to produce even faster results.
What is the trend here? Using the somatic expression of the problem as a vehicle to remove the problem. As without somatic expression there is no problem. The problem is actually what you feel in your body and not what you think in your head. A thought without a feeling is not a problem. Now new methods have emerged that produce even faster results without a search of a meaning.
With the pilots I gave as an example previously I used a combination of EFT traumatic event clearing (https://www.eftuniverse.com/trauma-and-ptsd/how-to-use-eft-to-heal-trauma )+ principles form NLP like metaphorizing and re-framing.
Now I am using simpler and faster techniques that have been developed in the eastern block and are not well known to the western world yet.

23/2/2019 11:41:19 am

Thanks Ivan. I'm still struggling to imagine what it might look like in practice, e.g. if someone has a deep-seated fear that they struggle to overcome. What, in that situation, according to your fast principles, the coach or therapist might actually do... It sounds like you achieved some very positive results with the pilots you mentioned...and I'd love to hear how you did it!

25/2/2019 10:04:07 pm

What can be done to erase a deep seated fear is to elicit the physical expression of the fear. The physical sensations and then erase them or transform them into other physical sensations. Or you can metaphorize the fear - give it structure, shape, size, weight, color, age, taste, sound, movement. And then transform it into something else. The very act of transformation starts the wheels rolling in the desired direction.
I am sorry Nick, but I find writing very slow and time consuming form of communication. And explaining everything in writing will take a lot of time. If you would like to learn more about what I do I suggest we have a quick chat. If you are interested let me know.

25/2/2019 10:07:21 pm

Thanks Ivan. What you have described here sounds like a combination of Gestalt and NLP techniques. 👍

Julie Genney

22/2/2019 11:10:20 am

Lovely piece. And faith for me is about self trust, belief and confidence. They’re are also skills which can be learnt...which is where we can all start...

22/2/2019 11:11:27 am

Thanks Julie. Can you say a bit more about 'skills which can be learnt'? Do you have any examples from experience you could share here?

Avinash Phillips

22/2/2019 11:23:37 am

As leader, coach, OD or trainer, how do you enable people to take scary steps? By being a role model. By providing encouragement and support.
By clarifying the steps.
Thank you for starting this discussion.

22/2/2019 11:27:27 am

Thanks Avinash. I agree that role modelling - being willing to take the first step first - can inspire others to take steps too. Here's an example of a girl who inspires me continually: http://www.nick-wright.com/blog/look-out. She never asks people to do something that she's not willing to do first. I like your emphasis on encouragement, support and clarity. In some situations, I would add challenge too.

23/2/2019 11:42:37 am

Nick, thanks for sharing that link.

23/2/2019 11:43:12 am

Hi Avinash. You're welcome!

Yvonne McCracken

23/2/2019 10:54:24 am

I love the notion of ‘taking a step in faith’ - stepping out wondering if there will be solid ground under your feet or a dark void. That’s my personal and faith-based stance. For people I am coaching or when facilitating, the ‘me’ in this disappears. Then it has to be grounded in the current hopes, fears, beliefs and realities of the other person. Exploring their desired future through deep listening, questioning and using tools like scaling to identify what they already know and have done successfully guides their own next step. Fear, I find, is most often at the heart of our ‘stuck-ness’. Shining a light on that within safe ethical boundaries can illuminate a path that the person hadn’t noticed or didn’t have the heart or confidence to take. Just my thoughts...

23/2/2019 11:01:21 am

Thanks Yvonne. I agree - fear, anxiety, often lays at the root of stuck-ness. Shining a light, illuminating, is a lovely way of expressing an antidote. I would add 'love'. I was curious about the notion of the 'me' disappearing. Can you say a bit more about it? You may find this short piece interesting..? http://www.nick-wright.com/blog/use-of-self-in-coaching Let me know what you think!

Thea Khama

23/2/2019 11:02:11 am

First of all, I find what I’m not doing myself, I cannot truly impart through my being to another. If I can’t dig up a memory of taking a scary step, or if I’ve always played safe or am playing safe now by skirting around the elephant in the room- the possible scary step my client could benefit from taking, then I’m in no position to offer much.
But if I can connect wholly to the essence then I am going to risk asking the right question because I know that this will truly help them to move ahead and out of being uncomfortably comfortable.

23/2/2019 11:05:46 am

Hi Thea. It sounds like you're speaking to the importance of integrity and authenticity - the value and credibility of lived experience. Sometimes role-modelling taking a scary step, taking a risk, is enough to inspire others to be willing to take their own scary steps too.

Nancy Avila

23/2/2019 11:44:01 am

Call for head or tail then flip a coin. Just kidding :) Change is inevitable and at a time is necessary. Whether by force or by choice changes can be managed with confident if one has a plan and a logical mind or a great Coach.

23/2/2019 11:46:04 am

Hi Nancy. I like the 'flip a coin' idea - sometimes that may be all that's needed to break an impasse! :) I'm interested: do you have an example from experience of managing change confidently that you could share here?

25/2/2019 11:23:46 am

The transition from a high tech employee to an Entrepreneur was a huge change that I made at one time. There was many unknown. Fear, I had, but reluctant I had none. Hard work, logical sense, experience, ageless wisdom, faith, and the will of a mom were what I had to take on the new adventure.

25/2/2019 11:26:02 am

Hi Nancy. What a great personal example of stepping out in faith! You may like this short related piece? http://www.nick-wright.com/blog/sensible

25/2/2019 09:59:39 pm

What's an inspirational blog. Thank you, Nick, for an enlightening story.

25/2/2019 10:00:28 pm

Thanks Nancy. You’re welcome!

Jacqueline Stearn

25/2/2019 09:36:53 am

What a great post Nick. How do I take scary steps you ask? By focusing on my breathing as a means of centreing, really taking the time to check in with my body. Letting the chatter fade as I do. Maybe saying hello to the inner critic, thanking them for watching out for me. Back to my body and noticing my feet on the floor and more attention to breathing. Then make the fearful move - updating my LinkedIn profile. But seriously, it's an approach that I model with my clients when they need to step in/up/forwards and really works.

25/2/2019 09:40:05 am

Thanks Jacqueline. I really like your attention to the body in preparing for scary steps - as well as your creative handling of the 'inner critic'!

Pei Rong Lin

25/2/2019 11:27:38 am

I operate on a 'Don't die' philosophy... I think about what the worst case scenario is with the different scenarios I am in. Often it still entails life. So I go with it and try to not die. :)

25/2/2019 11:28:59 am

Hi Pei Rong. I could hear your voice as you said, ''Don't die' philosophy.' You always make me smile. :)

Bianca Boyce

27/2/2019 12:41:40 pm

Great article Nick. It highlights what the real purpose and beauty of coaching is. We are never really working on the goal, but the barriers that people have to achieving them. The goal simply serves as a motivator to put overcome the limitation. The process of coaching always seeks to uncover those barriers and once highlighted, they can he overcome.

27/2/2019 12:45:24 pm

Thanks Bianca. Yes, enabling a client to overcome barriers can be a useful approach in coaching. We can also enable clients to build on their strengths, increase their resourceulness and grow as critical reflective practitioners. 👍

Sybille Paas

27/2/2019 12:48:20 pm

What a great post and a brilliant photo, thank you very much - a very good example for impressive storytelling.

27/2/2019 12:49:14 pm

Hi Sybille. Thank you for such encouraging feedback!

Andrea Dasilva, M Ed., RCC

4/3/2019 02:30:45 pm

Take a walk on the wild side? (Basically, act opposite to whar you usually would/what your mind is telling you... What's that like?)

4/3/2019 02:31:23 pm

Hi Andrea. I like it...and I can't get that song out of my head now! :)

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