Teflon

25/3/2019

‘How to develop a thick skin at work without being obnoxious.’ (Experteer)

The article title made me smile. We often think of people with thick skin as tough, resilient and, at times, insensitive to others. It’s as if thick-skinned people are able to handle high levels of relational tension or conflict without feeling hurt or bruised. A similar personal-relational metaphor we sometimes hear is Teflon. If you are unfamiliar with it, Teflon is a material with ‘an extremely low coefficient of friction’ (Urban Dictionary). If something is coated with Teflon, stuff doesn’t stick to it. Tensions and conflict simply slide off, leaving a Teflon person unaffected by relational stress.

Whilst thick-skinned or Teflon people may be insensitive to criticism or insults, other people may be overly-sensitive, feeling hurt by relational tension or allowing conflict to penetrate into their soul. A pastoral friend, Nikki Eastwood, uses a blotting paper metaphor to characterise this. If you are unfamiliar with it, blotting paper is an absorbent material, used to soak up excess ink when writing with a traditional ink pen. If we allow ourselves to absorb all the hurt, pain, frustrations etc. of other people, including that projected onto us, we can become debilitated, stressed and exhausted.

I worked for most of my life in human rights work and international non-governmental organisations (NGOs). Faced, at times, with unspeakable suffering of others, I became very run down. Eventually, I spoke with an insightful therapist, Shona Adams, who challenged my risk of over-empathising. In my desire to feel and communicate genuine contact with others, I learned that sometimes I stepped so far into others’ shoes that I stepped out of my own. It was as if I was experiencing others’ traumas vicariously, yet without the resilience that people in such situations often develop or discover.

So, what can we do to build healthy, constructive relationships that are neither too Teflon to the point of insensitive arrogance on the one hand or too over-empathetic to the point of unhealthy confluence on the other? How can we develop emotional intelligence and resilience? Firstly, listen actively for expressed and unexpressed feelings of others. If you’re unaware or unsure, be curious and inquire. Secondly, establish and maintain a clear psychological boundary and relationship between your experiences and those of others. It may be about you but it’s not only about you.

If you would like help with creating and sustaining healthy, inspiring and effective relationships at work, get in touch! [email protected]

62 Comments

Alvin Ceasar Entrada

25/3/2019 11:40:53 am

Nice article you have here Nick. :)

Nick Wright

25/3/2019 11:42:08 am

Thanks Alvin! 😀

Martine Bolton

25/3/2019 12:39:11 pm

Blotting paper or Teflon... nice analogy! Will probably be using this 😉. Thanks Nick!

25/3/2019 12:40:44 pm

Thanks Martine. Yes, when Nikki suggested the blotting paper metaphor, I thought it was brilliant!

Rob Abbott

25/3/2019 01:37:30 pm

Nice final sentence 🤪

25/3/2019 01:39:12 pm

Thank's Rob. It's a Richard Marshall-ism! :)

PETER YOUNG

25/3/2019 10:30:02 pm

Great piece Nick. In exploring how to work relationally, Erik de Haan says we need both a thick skin and a thin skin. A thick skin is about the ability to maintain a strong boundary, marked by a clear sense of what belongs to me and what belongs to you. A thin skin allows us to feel and to respond sensitively to the subtle relational dynamics at play.

26/3/2019 09:43:02 am

Thanks Peter. I like that. I guess the challenge lays in learning how to be thick skinned and thin skinned, both at the same time? I think there are some resonances with this short different-but-related piece that received some interesting comments too! http://www.nick-wright.com/blog/just-enough

Brenda Kwan

26/3/2019 05:49:06 pm

People who seem like Teflon may seem unaffected on the outside, but I'm sure if we could see inside them, we would see that they are more affected than what we see (or what they show).
It may be easy to over-empathize with someone, especially when we care about them and what happens in their lives. It may also be easy to over-empathize when we ourselves have experienced something similar. Nick, I agree with you that we need to keep a psychological boundary. We are not the other person, nor do we live their lives.

26/3/2019 05:51:46 pm

Hi Brenda. That's an interesting question. I have met Teflon people who appear genuinely indifferent to tension and conflict. I believe it partly depends on what matters most to them in a person, situation or relationship. I like your final comment: 'We are not the other person, nor do we live their lives.'

1/4/2019 06:56:56 pm

Hi Nick. I've been told that I seem to be one of those Teflon people. I do sense tension and conflict when it's there, but I seem to be able to step outside of it so I'm not in the middle of it and staying in the middle of it. What people see externally is that I can still focus and carry on with things, and I don't harp on the tension/conflict, so I seem unaffected. If possible, I do try to resolve the tension/conflict if I am involved, and facilitate resolution if I'm not directly involved.

1/4/2019 06:58:08 pm

Thanks Brenda. That's an interesting outside-in/inside-out perspective!

Marie-Christine Lammers

27/3/2019 11:12:49 am

Thanks again for brilliant insights! When dealing with the risk of over-or under empathizing, I use the metaphor of “osmosis” to illustrate resilient attitude. In our relationships we ought to develop a selective permeability, allowing the feelings and thoughts of others to enter our system only to the point where balance is preserved.
Resilience is also the capacity to break through despite walls of uncomfort instead of breaking down... and always nurture what is caring and compassionate instead of pitying or showing insensitiveness.

27/3/2019 11:17:29 am

Thanks Marie-Christine! I too have been thinking about the idea of permeable boundaries and I like your idea of 'only to the point where balance is preserved.' I believe this is why supervision can be so critical, especially when dealing with emotionally intense client issues and experiences - especially those that may resonate with our own.

28/3/2019 10:17:30 am

Nick, indeed... it is pretty intense when the client offers a mirror or vice versa. Never sure how it possibly gonna trigger some deeper issues in the transfer/countertransfer. Supervision is important! ;-)

28/3/2019 10:18:20 am

Hi Marie-Christine. I agree!

Dave Cosgrove

28/3/2019 10:18:56 am

I used to have a great coach who would challenge me with the question 'whose business are you in?' when I became stressed with other people's challenges. I learned to, literally, mind my own business which helped me stay focused on my coaching, not their problems.

28/3/2019 10:20:27 am

Hi Dave. What a great question! It's good advice if we find ourselves becoming too drawn into the client's story.

Brian Doubleday

28/3/2019 10:32:28 am

Don’t collude with clients
Get them to do Disc or similar profile
Be the coach

28/3/2019 10:33:53 am

Hi Brian. Perhaps doing something like a DISC profile would enable coaches to recognise their own dispositions, preferences and risks too.

28/3/2019 10:29:18 pm

Nick Wright for sure.... as coaches we call it “looking in the mirror “.... you see what’s reflected back.

28/3/2019 10:30:32 pm

Hi Brian. You reminded me of transference, countertransference and use-of-self in the therapeutic arena.

Ken Gilbert

28/3/2019 10:54:59 am

Very important issues you raise Nick
I have learnt to maintain boundaries
We only here to help others take their own responsibility for their OWN issues

28/3/2019 10:56:56 am

Thanks Ken. Yes, I find it helpful to remind myself, 'What are we here to do?', 'How shall we do this?' and 'What roles shall we play?' It helps to keep focus, boundaries and respective responsibilities clear.

John (JP) Prpich

28/3/2019 02:11:25 pm

Good day Nick, I'll share with what I've done in the past that's worked for me. The vast majority of companies are operations focused. I learned early on that the operations people were my customers and instead of telling them what I thought they needed to do, I asked them how I could be of assistance. I never once forced my product on them and worked around their schedules.
My learning departments have used the same strategy for the last 20 years, a pull strategy, not a push. I considered my department to be an internal vendor and my clients' currency was time.
There's no need to develop a thick skin, but there is a need to understand when it's time to move on. When you find a rock in the middle of a river, the water doesn't stop flowing to try and move the rock, it simply maneuvers around the rock.
If you show respect for your internal clients you'll move further quicker.

28/3/2019 02:36:17 pm

Hi John. Thanks for sharing so helpfully from experience. I like your comment, 'There's no need to develop a thick skin, but there is a need to understand when it's time to move on.' Well said.

Ian Henderson

28/3/2019 02:37:21 pm

A really insightful and useful piece Nick.

28/3/2019 02:37:51 pm

Thanks for the encouraging feedback, Ian.

CP Rosa Galaz Salazar

28/3/2019 10:19:21 pm

Is hard,but possible I think 🤔

28/3/2019 10:19:53 pm

Hi Rosa. Yes, as my mentor says, 'simple - but not easy'.

Andrea Dasilva, M Ed., RCC

28/3/2019 10:22:19 pm

What do you think of using the metaphor of a colander or a sieve: oftentimes there is/are important nuggets of info even in nasty comments... Like even the thickest sin has pores, it could prove useful to let some material pass through while briefly holding on to some of the other stuff to learn a thing or two or use it to help shift perspective...

28/3/2019 10:26:53 pm

Hi Andrea. That's an intriguing metaphor. The idea of a container of sorts that holds for a time and yet nevertheless allows to pass through. Interesting!

I was chatting with a social worker friend this evening about this thick-skinned vs over-sensitive question and this previous piece came to mind: http://www.nick-wright.com/blog/whatever

Let me know what you think!

Sarah Jane Miatt

29/3/2019 09:44:16 am

Interesting Teflon analogy Nick. Finding the balance between 'insensitive arrogance and overly empathic' can be challenging. However, if we approach our function as co-workers/leaders to be guide for others to find their own solutions, we can employ both empathy to understand their situation whilst empowering them to work through their own action plan. This takes the weight of 'fixing' everything from those who are a natural sponge to others challenges (overly empathetic), and provides an opportunity for those who avoid being caught up in drama and issues (insensitive arrogance) to demonstrate a level of care in an effective future focused way.

29/3/2019 09:48:07 am

Thanks Sarah. Yes, I think the idea of 'empowering' helps keep the focus on the client and what he or she needs or aspires to. If I think of myself as facilitating the development, empowerment and success of the client, I can ask myself - and the client - 'what would be most facilitative for this person in this situation at this time?'

Sherri Lojzer, CPC CBC ANC CCT

29/3/2019 11:45:08 am

I think it’s vital, not only for our own wellbeing, but also for our ability to remain present but not biases during coaching. Much like anything else we do need to examine it without emotion to help our clients. I try to focus on remembering that most of what each person does is really just a reflection of a multitude of things in their own head. Rarely is any of it about me, my values or my worth.

My go to strategy with youth when teaching the foundations of emotional intelligence is an emotion bowl. Imagine that we all carry a bowl specifically just for emotions. It is meant to be for our emotions alone but others can easily pour theirs into it as well when experiencing negative emotions. It’s as though they are pouring theirs all over us which lands in our bowl. However, the emotions belong in their own bowl. Using the visualization of separating the emotions and giving them permission to pour out emotions that don’t belong to them to have room for their own emotions becomes a way to consciously move the ownership back where it belongs.

29/3/2019 11:56:13 am

Hi Sherri. I like your bowl metaphor. It sounds like a very useful way of enabling your clients to separate out their own emotions from those of others. I think it can be helpful, also, to consider what a client may have introjected from others and how that has influenced what they now find in their own 'bowl'.

I'd be interested to hear a bit more about 'examine it without emotion.' In my experience, one of the valuable aspects of emotional intelligence is an ability to notice and work with emotion, e.g. via countertransference and/or use of self in therapeutic arenas?

Your comment, 'Rarely is any of it about me, my values or my worth' reminded me of a comment in Sarah Edelman's 'Change Your Thinking with CBT' (2018), 'You would care very little what people think of you if you realised how little they do.' :)

RAM KUMAR

29/3/2019 02:36:21 pm

Great read Nick.. I would rather say develop Spiritual Quotient (not talking about any religious or spiritual practice) it's just being mindful of every bit of your activities which will make you more empathetic and compassionate.
Thanks Nick for sharing. Have a great weekend.

29/3/2019 02:38:26 pm

Thanks Ram. I like the balance in Christian theology: 'grace and truth'. We could translate that, perhaps, into 'support and challenge'. I hope you have a great weekend too! :)

Betty Lochner, SPHR

30/3/2019 03:20:26 pm

Be authentic and genuine. Most importantly be human focused.

30/3/2019 03:21:50 pm

Hi Betty. I agree. Can you say a bit more about how you manage the boundary..?

31/3/2019 02:50:22 pm

Nick, sure. I always start with connections before content. I spend time on an “ask better questions” activities and a trust building activity that I learned from Dov Barons teaching. I also use the exercise that everyone asks 5 people What is going well, instead of how are you.... the goal is to build trust with the group early on. Does that answer your question?

31/3/2019 02:52:55 pm

Hi Betty. I like the idea of 'connections before content' - it resonates with Gestalt - and asking, 'What is going well?' - it resonates with appreciative inquiry.

Carrie Lamb

1/4/2019 01:23:28 pm

Coach managers to be authentic and learn to be true to who they in speaking to their reports. Employees don’t connect to managers who still run with the us vs them playbook.

1/4/2019 01:28:47 pm

Hi Carrie. I wonder if part of the problem is the language we use, e.g. 'manager', 'report' and 'employee'? It sets up certain cultural expectations and dynamics that can be, at times, unhelpful. I worked with one organisation that, as part of a radical cultural change approach, banned all use of 'division', 'department', 'director', 'manager', 'supervisor' and replaced them with 'group', 'team', 'leader' and 'team member'...then introduced training and coaching to enable everyone to make the shift. The effect was remarkable!

1/4/2019 02:14:20 pm

It does introduce a hierarchical system, I totally agree with you. Great experience you had. Are they still thriving to this cultural value?

1/4/2019 02:18:32 pm

Hi Carrie. I wish it was. The culture change lasted for 5 years then gradually started to drift back towards a more hierarchical model and approach. It demonstrated for me how hard it can be to sustain culture change, especially if there are changes in leadership or external factors that influence internal beliefs about what is needed. I felt very sad.

1/4/2019 06:53:57 pm

Nick, I would too seeing it work then stop. I’ve seen a similar situation previously as well with flat organisations. They never seem to last long.

1/4/2019 06:54:33 pm

Hi Carrie. I'm curious. Why do you think that is..?

2/4/2019 01:50:20 pm

Habits are hard to break and people become comfortable in them. To change a habit you need willpower and it’s hard to collectively motivate the masses on a continuous basis. It could be a full time job in itself.

2/4/2019 01:54:07 pm

Hi Carrie. You reminded me of a manager who once asked me, 'How can we bring people to a place where this change really matters to them?' In other words, if we are able to make, influence or engage a shift in beliefs, values and motivations, the change is more likely to stick - all other factors being equal. Not always easy to create or sustain!

2/4/2019 10:30:54 pm

Nick, I had one President I worked for who paid for leadership development training for the whole company. It was effective and employees were bought in more. It was one of those that was a lot like Tony Robbins events and people were crying and all sorts. They were heightened vulnerability sessions. What it did is created bonds that still are incredible strong now. The recession hit them hard but I know we all are still hugely bonded. Food for thought.

2/4/2019 10:34:49 pm

Hi Carrie. What a powerful example from experience! An amazing example that comes to mind for me was Gordon Holloway, CEO of a UK national charity, who knew every one of its 1,700 employees, dispersed in over 100 different locations, by name. He was an incredibly humble man. Once, when I had problems with a motorcycle I had bought for work, he paid all my legal fees from his own pocket. A truly remarkable man who inspired incredible loyalty.

Katy Lyne

1/4/2019 06:48:27 pm

Thanks Nick. It seems to me that maintaining the balance between teflon and blotting paper is a key part of our humanity. We all need both empathy and a certain amount of resilience in order to function in a dynamic world. I wonder if we all have a tendency for one or the other and part of a journey of awareness is about getting the sweet spot! Thanks for a great article as ever.

1/4/2019 06:51:00 pm

Thanks Katy. I wonder if we need greater or lesser degrees of empathy and resilience in different life/work situations too?

Dave Berman

2/4/2019 01:48:25 pm

Good post, Nick. Thought provoking! I see resilience as another innate resource (along with laughter, creativity, spontaneity, playfulness, confidence, curiosity, the capacity to learn and grow, and many others). Watching babies discover how to walk illustrates this. They repeatedly fall down but never beat themselves up, start calling themselves losers, or decide to quit trying. That's because they are already resilient.

As adults we still have unconditional access to all of these resources. Sometimes we see this and sometimes we don't. Just as we may get a joke right away or it could take a moment, in either case, we also have the ability to laugh on purpose, which our bodies treat as real. So in my work, I use intentional laughter as a learning vehicle helping people to enjoy discovering their other innate resources.

One more such example is auto correction. Like the delayed reaction to a joke, it requires no effort or doing. Once we insightfully see we're not feeling the past, the future, or even present circumstances, and instead realize we only ever feel our thinking in real time, then our minds automatically restore a default sense of peace, calm and clarity.

This is important for clients to understand in their bodies, not just their minds. To facilitate that, we as coaches must know it this way too. When we do, we see it is not possible to "take on" what others feel. We are thinking about others and feeling that thinking. The stickiness you wrote about reflects how long we stay tricked by our minds blaming the feelings elsewhere, or how quickly our embodied understanding reminds us we've just innocently and temporarily misunderstood where our feelings are coming from.

2/4/2019 01:48:58 pm

Hi Dave. Thanks for your thoughtful reflections too. I have been thinking recently about how resilience can also be considered a social process. So many of the qualities and resources you describe here (laughter, creativity, spontaneity, playfulness, confidence, curiosity, the capacity to learn and grow) ordinarily take place - that is, are exercised, learned and experienced - in a relational and cultural context. I do like your example of a young child learning to walk! On that point, you may find this related short piece interesting? http://www.nick-wright.com/blog/the-silent-way

2/4/2019 01:55:14 pm

Very interesting piece at that link, thanks.

2/4/2019 01:55:38 pm

Thanks Dave!

Riccardo Bianconi

2/4/2019 09:06:13 pm

Hi Nick, I've read "teflon" article with great interest. Great indeed. Nice to be used as starting point of discussion with clients that need to improve "as is" skill. Thanks, Riccardo

2/4/2019 09:06:40 pm

Hi Riccardo. Thank you for such encouraging feedback! :)

Halen James

5/4/2019 06:38:40 pm

Hi Nick.Good Day! It's really a good fortune for me of reading your article, well written about "Teflon" Thanks for this post. Thanks Halen

5/4/2019 06:40:39 pm

Hi Halen. Good day to you too and thank you for such kind feedback on the post!

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