Wait

25/1/2018

‘I want it all and I want it now.’ (Queen)

I’m not the most patient of people. Some have a remarkable gift of serenity, an ability to stay calm and peaceful and to……..….wait. I sometimes wish I was more like that more of the time. It reminds me of M. Scott Peck’s ‘The Road Less Travelled – A New Psychology of Love’ with its emphasis on the value of delayed gratification. It’s like Antoine de Saint-Exupéry’s fox in ‘The Little Prince’. The fox teaches the Prince how important it is in taming, anticipating and arriving to learn to…..…….wait.

This is not, or course, to say that waiting per se is an absolute imperative or virtue at all times and in all situations. If, for instance, the fire alarm went off while writing this piece, wisdom would demand an instant response: ‘Leave the building – now!’ Yet how is it that, culturally, we appear to have become so incapable, so intolerant, of waiting? Is it that our sense of time horizons, partly driven by communications technology, are getting narrower and narrower, shorter and shorter, near-instant?

Biblical writers talk a lot about the need to ‘wait on the Lord’. It’s something about seeing things from a wider perspective, a wider timeframe, trusting God to work things through in eternal-time. I see resonances in Adam Kahane’s ‘Solving Tough Problems’ where he advocates, counterintuitively in our cultural era, stepping back from difficult, complex issues, rather than trying hard to think our way through them, to allow space and time for solutions to emerge, to rise into consciousness.

Dr Lim Peng Soon cautions us to be aware of the ‘marathon effect’. Leaders, coaches and other change agents may race ahead and become impatient with people lagging behind, especially if they appear to be holding up the changes. ‘In a marathon, the front row sets off first but it takes a while for the middle section to start moving and even longer for people at the back. By the time the middle and back sections are moving, we may already be racing off to the next great idea and initiative.’

How good are you at…………waiting?

63 Comments

Brian Doubleday

25/1/2018 02:26:17 pm

Good points....for me timely and dilligent follow up are key..... prospects appreciate this....people hate being sold to but love to be helped to buy!!

Nick Wright

25/1/2018 03:28:29 pm

Thanks Brian. I think 'timely'is an important point...especially vis a vis the client's own preferred timeframes.

Tara Parker

25/1/2018 03:26:24 pm

Nick, I agree, patience is not as much as virtue as it is a lost art. Joyce Meyer once said, "Patience is not simply the ability to wait - it's how we behave while we're waiting." We can be waiting and yet mindless as to our actions or thoughts while we wait. This explains, to a degree, that humorous statement in the US to "hurry up and wait."

Waiting doesn't seem to impact me as much anymore. For so long, I fell into the mainstream flow that I was to be impatient and let others know it - maybe as a means of relating or maybe it was a conditioning of others so they would not feel bad for not being patient. As I have gotten to know myself I have learn that anticipation is one of my favorite feelings. I like the wait and the excitement. I like the nerves and the "what if" thoughts. Those thoughts and emotions are all data to that inner part of me that helps me to maintain peace with myself. Unfortunately, most see patience as a "game" they fail at consistently.

25/1/2018 03:32:11 pm

Thanks for sharing such personal reflections, Tara. I liked your comment, 'anticipation is one of my favourite feelings'. It sounds like you have a lot in common with the fox in The Little Prince! :)

Your comment, 'Hurry up and wait' reminded me of a similar topical statement on the waiting theme: 'Don't just do something. Stand there.'

Felicity O'Hanlon

25/1/2018 03:38:09 pm

Hi Nick, I am all for patience, delaying gratification, the benefits of self discipline, mindfulness, exercising choice between stimulus and response etc. But people can struggle with different kinds of 'waiting.' Patience applies if you know what you are waiting for and when it might be reached or achieved. But waiting in hope or in vain, not having answers and not finding them can be distressing. I think of Prov 13:12, hope deferred makes the heart sick but a dream/longing fulfilled is a tree of life. In therapy and marriage counselling a lot of work is done around people's expectations not being met in addition to adverse/traumatic experiences. An expert and compassionate coach, facilitator, counsellor can help a client examine expectations/values/meaning vs options/reality/change to uncover unproductive patterns that lead to impatience or false hope.

Reflective and thought provoking writing from you as usual.....thanks.

25/1/2018 03:44:06 pm

Thanks Felicity - and great to hear from you again after such a long time! I have a friend, Sister Isabel, who distinguishes between passive waiting (which borders on apathy and resignation) and active waiting (which involves attention and hope). I like your quotation from Proverbs 13:12 - very poignant. False hopes or dashed hopes can be incredibly distressing and debilitating. Conversely, waiting based on a realistic prospect of fulfillment, insofar as that is something positive and hoped-for, can be very life-giving and sustaining.

E.G.Sebastian - CPC, CSL

25/1/2018 09:05:10 pm

It depends... Basically, I suck at waiting. I always have at least one book with me; and often my laptop. I can't sit (or stand) idle... BUT, I'm really good at waiting for what matters, such as 'waiting' for results in learning a language... going towards a black belt in martial arts... building a business... etc.

25/1/2018 09:06:57 pm

Hi E.G. I can relate to that. Words like perseverance come to mind..?

Bob Buckley

26/1/2018 11:04:54 am

I love that, Nick. MSPs book was a huge milestone for me as a young man. Delaying gratification has been a big theme for me since then. I practise Zazen as a direct result, and although I am a poor Zen student, it has resulted in my being able to endue situations I would have previously been crippled, or at least hindered by. Thank you, for the reminder.

26/1/2018 11:06:31 am

Thanks Bob. I think that's a really interesting connection between ability to wait and ability to endure. Could you share any insights or practises from Zen that you have found particularly useful in this respect?

Jennifer Stambolsky

26/1/2018 11:15:37 am

It depends on what I have to wait for... Lol. This is such a great topic to bring up though because as a coach, I have to remain aware that my client will move forward when they are ready. And if they sense our impatience, the client can only be hindered further. It's such a beautiful thing to hold that space for a client and experience the digestion of their internal struggles with them.

26/1/2018 11:20:12 am

Hi Jennifer. 'It depends on what I have to wait for...'. Me too! :) Yes, there's something about space and pace when working with a client - and discerning with the client what he or she needs and when. It raises very interesting questions about when and how to introduce challenge in coaching. You may find these related short pieces interesting?

http://www.nick-wright.com/blog/instant
http://www.nick-wright.com/blog/light-crispy-spicy

Rina Córdova Véliz

28/1/2018 12:11:02 am

Beautifull!!! Bello!!!

28/1/2018 12:12:29 am

Muchas gracias, Rina! :)

Orlando Ramos Tamez

28/1/2018 12:19:47 am

Nick I agree that we as coaches for development want to take the coachee to different results asap but I think every person has it's own learning process in their lives, so I consider myself good at waiting from the perspective that people is always giving their 100% it just needs to be oriented to the result that the coachee wants, thank you for sharing, big hugs!

28/1/2018 12:21:11 am

Thanks Orlando. It sounds like you have learned the art of patience and walking-with at the client's own pace.

Julia Menaul

28/1/2018 12:36:22 am

Reminds of the acronym for coaches to ask themselves sometimes. W.A.I.T or Why Am I Talking?

28/1/2018 12:37:14 am

Hi Julia. Long time no see! I hope all is well. I haven't heard that acronym before. I like it..! :)

Benita Treanor

28/1/2018 12:38:20 am

Improving with age! T S Elliot words are a good companion. .....” I said to my soul, be still and wait without hope, for hope would be hope for the wrong thing; wait without love, for love would be love of the wrong thing; there is yet faith, but the faith and the love are all in the waiting. Wait without thought, for you are not ready for thought: So the darkness shall be the light, and the stillness the dancing.”

28/1/2018 12:41:36 am

Hi Benita. I wish I was too..! :) I have to confess that I don't understand T. Elliot's meaning... It's not always to explain poetry without losing it's evocative quality. However, I am intrigued. What is it in those words that resonates for you?

Bruce Bennett

28/1/2018 12:42:51 am

I am not good at waiting, but I've learned that if I can wait and not be the first to speak, I always learn more and what I end up saying is usually different than what I was going to say first.

28/1/2018 12:43:48 am

Hi Bruce. That sounds like a wise insight to me.

Linda Randazzo

28/1/2018 04:48:33 pm

Waiting is extremely valuable in the training world as well. Being willing to wait for an answer allows the trainees the space to think which results in rich dialog. Don't be afraid of silence.

28/1/2018 04:49:17 pm

Hi Linda. Well said. That is especially true and valuable for reflectors and introverts.

Jayne Harrison

28/1/2018 04:50:33 pm

Mmm it's an interesting conundrum when most coaching programmes are time specific. The pressure to achieve the aims/goals for coaching might paradoxically therefore become the very thing that gets in the way of success. It's making me wonder whether certain approaches are better suited to minimising the paradox e.g.. gestalt or other whole person approaches?

28/1/2018 04:52:51 pm

Hi Jayne. I think that's an important point. I'm intrigued. Can you say a bit more about how approaches such as Gestalt could 'minimise the paradox'?

Alison Duncanson

29/1/2018 03:47:44 pm

I like your post, Nick. I agree with Jayne, many coaching programmes are time specific, which put pressure on change within a fixed timescale. Life seldom works like that and 'growth' is not a forced process but often requires the right conditions, no quick fixes that are lasting, in my experience!

29/1/2018 03:48:44 pm

Thanks Alison. Yes, it is a tricky one. What's your sense or experience of how best to address it..?

29/1/2018 05:17:46 pm

No formula, Nick but I like to impress upon all involved that 'real change takes time. ' Honest conversations about expectations and who needs to do what is very helpful.

29/1/2018 05:20:40 pm

Hi Alison. You reminded me of a seminar I attended where a researcher presented her findings on an evaluation of executive coaching in FTSE100 companies. One of her discoveries was that many companies offer 6-session packages whereas often the most transformational work took place during the 7th-9th sessions (where that happened), normally because it allowed sufficient time for underlying/recurring themes to emerge and be dealt with.

29/1/2018 08:22:14 pm

Indeed.

29/1/2018 08:22:30 pm

Bob Larcher

29/1/2018 03:51:37 pm

"All things come to he who waits"

There are times to wait and times to act; we need to be aware that we are neither procrastinating nor precipitating.

29/1/2018 03:53:12 pm

Hi Bob. You reminded me of wise words by Guy Rothwell: 'There's a time for space and a time for pace. We need real wisdom to discern which is needed and when.'

Valentine Palmer

29/1/2018 08:18:12 pm

Well, folks, we live in the attention deficit era. Many very young children have a television in their bedroom. Whole families have the TV set on all day non-stop. One of the things excessive exposure to the fast paced changes of image projected at us by not only TV but by rapid fire messages on our phones, is to make us mentally over active. The whole process of mental stimulation is continually speeding up. Having worked in and around television for most of my life I know many of the tricks that the medium uses to grab our immediate attention and to hang on to it, probably for the rest of our life. Of course we are all different and our ego may well make us impatient, because our ego can be terribly impatient. It thinks it knows what's best or us, and that includes not waiting around for an answer or a solution. Ego can be re-trained, but it requires turning off the TV.

29/1/2018 08:20:25 pm

Hi Valentine. Interesting reflections. I wonder...does TV still have such a pervasive hold or have people moved onto instant-access/instant response apps and comms on cell phones, tablets etc..?

Dorothy Cook

30/1/2018 11:48:25 am

Totally agree. By stepping back solutions emerge whether they are your own or the other persons.

30/1/2018 11:51:13 am

Thanks Dorothy. It's something Adam Kahane talks about in 'Solving Tough Problems' - and Kahlil Gibran in 'The Prophet'. We sometimes need to step back from a problem, an issue, and wait...rather than actively grapple with it...to allow intuitive insight to emerge.

Denise Valk Faisst

30/1/2018 11:52:07 am

Most things worth doing, takes time.
Thanks for sharing Nick.

Change your behavior, change your life!

30/1/2018 11:52:30 am

Thanks Denise. :)

Jeanne Schulze

30/1/2018 07:41:30 pm

Well done, Nick. I think I am learning as I age not only that waiting is good, but is essential in order to heal and be whole. Recovering from breast cancer surgery this past year has slowed me down and taught me how precious life is. If we miss it, we are truly lost.

30/1/2018 07:44:08 pm

Thank you, Jeanne - and well said. Thank you too for sharing so profoundly from personal experience. God's healing peace to you.

Kim Layton

30/1/2018 07:44:56 pm

I like what you wrote Nick. It’s true we live in an instant gratifying society. Practicing presence is crucial to move a client forward. If a person is in a hurry to get from point a to point B they may miss out on a pertinent step.

30/1/2018 07:46:25 pm

Thanks Kim. I like your emphasis on 'practising presence.' You may find this related short piece resonates..? http://www.nick-wright.com/blog/the-power-of-presence

Evelyn Murphy

30/1/2018 07:48:38 pm

Spend 72 hours on a trolley in a dangerously overcrowded and unhygienic A&E Dept in any Irish Hospital and you get good at waiting because you are left to languish...

30/1/2018 07:50:06 pm

Hi Evelyn. That sounds like an enforced wait rather than a chosen one...and perhaps that makes all the difference.

Farkas Csanji

30/1/2018 07:51:32 pm

Projecting clarity through, direction, alignment, and unity is essential to maintain perceived order between all things. Self transcendence occurs ours as dimensions in time and space crossect expectations of deliverance. #bcat

30/1/2018 07:52:48 pm

Hi Farkas. I can read the words but I can't understand the meaning. I'm curious. Is there another way to express it?

DrBev Beverly Jackson

30/1/2018 07:54:18 pm

Excellent article !!!

30/1/2018 07:54:38 pm

Thanks Bev! :)

Mikael Lund

30/1/2018 10:39:06 pm

Persistence is one of the keys to success.

30/1/2018 10:40:30 pm

Hi Mikael. It certainly can be.

Yvonne Hubbard

30/1/2018 10:49:52 pm

Waiting and silence can be the biggest learning tool in training.

30/1/2018 10:50:48 pm

Hi Yvonne. Do you have any examples from experience you could share here?

Richard Benschop

31/1/2018 11:32:47 am

As a trainer, I believe you should always put the learner first (and not yourself). Keeping that in mind helps to be silent and pause during the course of your session. Making sure the learner can process the information properly, before moving on to the next topic.

31/1/2018 11:35:07 am

Hi Richard. That sounds like a good principle to me. It means on-going contracting with the learner(s) about what they need and would find most useful...including in terms of content, process and timing...including in the moment. I like Guy Rothwell's principle of 'space and pace' - and the wisdom to know what is needed and when.

Renae Lingafelt-Beeker

1/2/2018 10:27:14 am

Great points here! A good read for sure!

1/2/2018 10:27:46 am

Thanks for your encouraging feedback, Renae!

Fiona Adamson

5/2/2018 09:26:19 pm

Love this and your reminder of Eliot’s wonderful words, Benita.

5/2/2018 09:26:41 pm

Thanks Fiona. :)

Angela Grizzle

6/2/2018 04:53:39 am

Great article, we need to learn the art of patience.

6/2/2018 04:54:27 am

Thanks Angela!

Adam Kahane link

22/2/2018 01:27:29 am

Thanks for this reference, Nick. You might also find interesting my newest book, "Collaborating with the Enemy: How to Work with People You Don’t Agree with or Like or Trust" (Oakland: Berrett-Koehler, 2017).

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