Walk and talk

26/3/2021

‘If you don’t stick to your values when they’re being tested, they’re not your values.’ (Jon Stewart)

We sometimes discover what our values are when someone behaves, or something happens, that cuts sharply across them. It can be like a glass filled with liquid that gets knocked. We find out what’s inside when we see what spills out. At times, we’re surprised to find that our true values are quite different to those we espouse or identify with rationally. We don’t just think values. We feel them. Gut level, heart-wrenching feeling. If you don’t feel it when challenged or experiencing a clash, it doesn’t matter enough to you. If in doubt, shake the tree, see what falls and feel it land. Impact.

I was sitting in an awkward circle during a coaching workshop. It was one of those activities where a group is placed in a room with no instructions and no guidance, to see what emerges. I felt curious as a conversation gradually unfolded… until, that is, a forceful-sounding man assumed the role of leader and put down a shy-looking woman sitting opposite me. Without thinking, I leapt straight to her defence and challenged the power figure, as if the woman needed saving. The group remarked later on my response – and that’s when I became aware of Stephen Karpman’s Drama Triangle.

It wasn’t a rationale that had triggered me but a behaviour that crossed a deeply-held value. That was some years ago now and, although I no longer default to rescue mode, it helps in part to explain why so much of my life and career have been dedicated to international development, advocacy and relief work. I’m a follower of Jesus, I hate that the poor are so vulnerable and I want my life to make a difference. What gets you up in the morning or keeps you awake at night? What are your true values, and how do you know? If push comes to shove, what are the lines that you will not cross?

22 Comments

Sharon

26/3/2021 02:48:37 pm

This really resonates Nick - found myself feeling distinctly uncomfortable with some work I was doing and there was no obvious reason for that so I ignored it. But the feeling didn’t get any better so I took some time (and support from a coach I value highly) to work it through and realised that I was stomping all over a value that is important to me. Lesson learnt: don’t ignore that feeling!

Nick Wright

26/3/2021 07:06:40 pm

Hi Sharon. Thanks for the encouraging feedback and for sharing so honestly from personal experience. That's a great illustration of how we are often aware of our values as intuitive/gut-level feelings rather than as rational propositions. It sounds like you paid attention to that nagging feeling and acted on it. 'Don't ignore that feeling' is very good advice.

Chris Lever link

26/3/2021 05:58:49 pm

Great article Nick and love the opening quote. One of the flaws I see in some work to consider values is when they are taken as single elements. So when someone says ‘what you see is what you get’ this says much about authenticity and transparency. But it could also indicate a lack of flexibility or even arrogance. Of course the real interpretation will only be accurate if what you see is what you get, is in combination with other values like a value to continually learn and see from others perspectives. So it is the combination that fascinates me. But all that is just head stuff. I still remember the first time working in Africa where so much of what I thought was a value got re-examined! Africa tends to do that to people. Some values I had came away stronger and many were challenged in significant ways. And some too remain now as questions! So thank you for your prompt to reflect through a great post as usual

26/3/2021 07:25:47 pm

Thank you Chris, as always, for such an affirming and thoughtful response. Your reflections on a combination of values resonates beautifully with the 'Culture' section in this article, applied at an organisational level: https://www.nick-wright.com/a-journey-towards-od.html

Your experiences in Africa, and the cross-cultural influences and impacts that have flowed from it, mirror my own experiences - mostly in various countries in South East Asia. I invariably return feeling inspired, challenged, confused and enlightened, especially by the people I encounter there!

Kathrin Hoffmann

26/3/2021 07:03:29 pm

Ich stehe auf, weil ich arbeiten muss. In der Nacht denke ich an die Arbeit. Die Arbeit ist aber nicht meine Leidenschaft, sondern ein Muss. Ich brenne also für nichts. Aber ich bewundere Menschen, die für ihre Ziele und Werte leben und ihr Leben davon bestimmen lassen.

26/3/2021 07:13:59 pm

Hallo Kathrin. Vielen Dank, dass du so offen und ehrlich geantwortet hast. Die Authentizität deiner Antwort offenbart etwas von deinen Werten - die Art von Person, die du bist und wie du dich entscheidest, zu sein. Unsere Werte befeuern manchmal unsere Leidenschaften. Sie beeinflussen auch unsere Haltung, unsere Ethik und unser Verhalten. Vielen Dank, dass du das modelliert hast.

Adrian

27/3/2021 10:59:18 am

I think we have to stop and reflect deeply to understand our values and our habits and the differences. Some of our habitual responses are unhelpful even when informed by sound principles and values. And that is hard, as when our values are impacted our habitual responses can be both very strong and very fast. Our challenge as we grow is to hold onto, shape and develop our values and at the same time become more skilled in how we choose to apply them in our interactions with others and in the world. As ever be yourself with more skill has to be the mantra.

27/3/2021 11:05:59 am

Hi Adrian and thank you for such a thoughtful response. You reminded me of the differences and relationships between, say, beliefs, values and ethics. I may, for instance, value deeply something that clashes with my ethics. If that happens, I face a choice. 'Be yourself with more skill' is a great mantra. I might reframe it slightly as 'Be your best ethical self with more skill and awareness'.

Stella Goddard BA (Hons) Registered MBACP (Accred)

27/3/2021 11:07:36 am

An interesting piece Nick. For me integrity is important. I have sat in many groups professionally. I notice that often someone will be dominant and others very quiet. The way l respond depends on the environment and whether l feel safe or not. I have been asked to do things l haven't felt comfortable with and declined. This hasn't made me popular but l don't mind as it is important to me to stay with my values.

27/3/2021 11:11:33 am

Thank you, Stella. Yes, I think of integrity is a stance based on, and consistent with, our ethics and values. Choosing personal integrity over popularity shows how values can influence a stance, and how acting on them can carry a cost too...but a cost that is worth it.

Rob Tyler

27/3/2021 11:15:28 am

An excellent description of values! I'm not sure if your question can be answered easily, as a high percentage of society are capable of murder. The Milgram experiment?

27/3/2021 11:27:03 am

Thanks Rob. Yes, the Milgram Experiment is a fascinating example of how, as people in groups, we can face conflict between different values - in this case, obedience to authority vs acting according to personal conscience. In some ways, the most significant conclusion of the experiment for me is the influence and impact of group dynamics and culture on personal choices and behaviour.

Social-psychological phenomena such as the need or pressure for social conformity can sometimes appear to override a need to for autonomous decision-making according to our own values. I'm always intrigued, therefore, by people who somehow take a stance in stark contrast to the mainstream flow - and often at significant personal cost. On that theme, these short pieces may be of interest?

*Deviant: https://www.nick-wright.com/blog/deviant
*Disruptive influence: https://www.nick-wright.com/blog/disruptive-influence
*Disrupt: https://www.nick-wright.com/blog/disrupt

27/3/2021 06:36:49 pm

Thanks Nick. I'll read them all later.

27/3/2021 06:37:23 pm

Thanks Rob. I'll look forward to hearing your thoughts!

1/4/2021 10:02:53 pm

I think you've expressed yourself very well Nick. 1. Deviancy presently appears to me as relative and subjective. It's also a word, and a word is not the thing. 2. I like to disrupt, though with the often misguided assumption that my positive intentions will lead to a positive outcome. 3. The answer to the third piece could be Edward de Bono.

1/4/2021 10:04:05 pm

Thanks Rob. I loved your honesty in point 2..! :)

Sharon King

27/3/2021 06:38:12 pm

Love this article Nick. Makes me think about what role I play in my own life. In addition, one question I ask my clients to help them identify their values is when they get a strong reaction to something is usually a good indication of when someone or something has crossed one of their values.

27/3/2021 06:45:04 pm

Thanks for such encouraging feedback, Sharon. The 'strong reaction' question is a really interesting one. In my experience, it can arise for a number of different reasons, e.g. touches on existential angst; transference from previous relationships; projection onto others; parallel process in wider relational systems; fear of exposure etc - or a clash of goals or values, especially if someone or something precious to us feels threatened.

Sudeshna Chakraborty link

30/3/2021 09:59:08 pm

A great article as usual Nick and actually threw me to a bit of surprise compared to the title. Love the opening quote and is so true.

It is only during difficult times or phases does human shows its true colours. Its one thing saying or committing to value but other when living those.

I feel its very difficult to answer your question as it would depend a lot of the situation. However, for me honestly and fairness is very important in terms of values. I always try to maintain that in my work setting too and in some case may have been criticised for being too honest. So, for workplace situations it is also important to balance how and when honest opinion can be given.... not to be dishonest in some situations its about letting go :)

31/3/2021 11:09:35 am

Hi Sudeshna and thank you for the encouraging feedback. 'Too honest' is a really interesting dilemma to explore. Here are some reflections based on my own experience:

If criticised for being too honest, it can be an indication that e.g. feedback hadn't been invited or contracted...or that the time or way in which it was delivered didn't land well...or that there was insufficient trust in the relationship to handle it. I have found a similar dilemma in posing posing questions as a coach, trainer and consultant.

The skill is, I think, in paying attention to such factors and trying to learn to do them well. That helps me to retain integrity vis a vis my own values - whist recognising that, in any relationship, there's only so much I'm able to influence or control...and that personal-cultural factors play a large part too.

In case of interest, a couple of short pieces that may resonate?

*Disruptive influence: https://www.nick-wright.com/blog/disruptive-influence
*Unstuck: https://www.nick-wright.com/blog/unstuck

On the feedback theme, I've posted an e-booklet in the e-resources section of this website under 'Leadership OD' that may be of interest. If so, let me know what you think?

I think there's real wisdom in your comment that 'in some situations it's about letting go.' That's something I need to learn too!

Peter Robson

14/4/2021 07:11:13 pm

Great article Nick and as someone else commented love the opening quote. This is so true and it's quite frightening sometimes to reflect on our behaviours and realise how unrelated they are to our core values. I find that the gut instinct isn't necessarily the response I would truly want to give and have learnt to draw breathe, reflect and then speak. That is more reflective of the true me. Thanks for sharing the blog Nick.

14/4/2021 10:26:13 pm

Thanks Peter. You reminded me of a course I attended some years ago where the trainer said, 'If you want to know what your true values are, look at your diary and your bank account.' Although simplistic, I still found that quite profound.

I found your distinction between gut instinct and choosing a response interesting. It has resonances with existential psychology where who we are and become is a consequence of our choices.

In case of interest on that theme: https://www.nick-wright.com/blog/existential-coaching

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