Whatever

5/2/2018

‘The subtle art of not giving a f*ck.’ (Mark Manson)

The title grabbed my attention first – and it made me laugh! I loved the subtlety in its provocative unsubtlety. The subtitle: ‘A counterintuitive approach to living a good life’ caught my interest too. The central premise is that if we allow ourselves to care too much about too much – rather than, by contrast, discerningly about the people and things that really matter – we risk suffering undue stress, anxiety or depression. An important dimension of resilience is learning when not-to-care.

I’ve experienced this phenomenon at work. It was a leadership team meeting and the MD decided to take the whole team through an incredibly detailed, RAG-rated KPI grid alongside a micro-detailed financial spreadsheet line by line, cell by cell. I thought I was going to die. The organisation was struggling and the Director was convinced that tight management was needed. As we laboured through it point-by-point, it felt like all the oxygen had been sucked out of the room. Agony.

Or there’s the worried client who asks for coaching because he or she has become paralysed in a tricky relationship and can’t see a way through. The conversation starts and, as minute pass by and the details keep flowing without stopping for breath, it becomes clear that he or she has lost all sight of the metaphorical wood for the densely-crowded proverbial trees. ‘What really matters to you in this?’ can help pull the person out of the detail, back to the bigger picture. Pause. Breathe.

The principle here is: ‘Don’t sweat the small stuff’. It’s about perspective, focus and boundaries and it reflects beliefs, values and culture. It’s influenced by and influences emotional states. It’s not a nihilistic call to ‘Don’t give a f*ck about anyone or anything’. It’s about diving below, rising above, filtering, seeing through. As leader, coach or OD, how do you help people and teams discover who or what matters most? How do you enable clients to discern or decide an authentic sense of priority?

106 Comments

Stella Goddard BA (Hons) Registered MBACP (Accred)

5/2/2018 05:01:37 pm

'How do you enable clients to discern or create a genuine sense of priority?' - A timely post Nick. My initial thoughts are: Sometimes with difficulty. Sometimes I also need to pause and breathe. There is something for me about being able to stand back and help create space between us so that we can actually think. Sometimes clients are so dysregulated that we need to ensure that we don't catch their dysregulation.

Nick Wright

5/2/2018 05:08:55 pm

Thanks Stella. It's a common thing I have noticed with inexperienced coaches. The coach can become to entangled in the client's story that they both become equally lost. You may be interested in this related short piece: http://www.nick-wright.com/blog/just-enough Judging by the number of responses, it's something that many practitioners struggle with. I think it points to the need for the coach or other related practitioner to maintain perspective, focus and boundaries too.

Stella Goddard BA (Hons) Registered MBACP (Accred)

7/2/2018 09:41:26 am

Nick thank you for pointing me in the direction of ' Just Enough' ' I needed to understand and feel just enough of the client’s situation and experience to give them confidence that I was with them and, at the same time, to remain sufficiently detached to be able to bring fresh insight, perspective and challenge. ' Your words resonate very much. Each time we engage with our clients we are tuned in in so many ways both internally and externally. If we find that we are being overwhelmed by client material it is important to process this and perhaps take to Supervision where we can look again at 'what just happened' It would be great Nick if you could post 'Just Enough' on LinkedIn so others can read it.

Nick Wright

7/2/2018 09:49:28 am

Thanks Stella. 'Look again' sounds like a good principle! As I read your note, an image came to mind of a parent helping a child to learn to walk. Just enough support. Not too much.

I was also pondering this morning on how Mark Manson's insights resonate with Jesus' teaching: 'Seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness' and, on the greatest commandments: 'Love God and love your neighbour.'

In Stephen Covey's language, it's about putting 'first things first.'

Don Hadley

5/2/2018 06:16:32 pm

The book is also based on some pretty sound psychological principles.

Nick Wright

5/2/2018 06:17:09 pm

Hi Don. Can you say a bit more..?

Denise Valk Faisst

5/2/2018 06:30:11 pm

Interesting post. Thanks for sharing Nick.
Will this work? Yes, No, maybe so?
Whatever it is time will tell.

Nick Wright

5/2/2018 06:31:08 pm

Thanks Denise. I'm curious - what questions is this raising for you, e.g. vis a vis its workability,,,or not?

Ruby Manalac

5/2/2018 10:05:28 pm

That is insightful Nick.Tantamount to saying no to a lot of things that may not be truly benefitting you in terms of positive growth and personal productivity.

Nick Wright

5/2/2018 10:08:00 pm

Thanks Ruby. I think that’s a useful way to think about it. Who and what to say yes to and who or what to say no to...and the wisdom to discern and choose accordingly.

Lindsay Wittenberg

6/2/2018 10:34:49 am

Really lovely piece. You get to the heart of ....getting to the heart of things.

Nick Wright

6/2/2018 10:35:24 am

Thanks for such encouraging feedback, Lindsay. :)

David Head

6/2/2018 11:30:22 am

Interesting piece Nick which prompted the thought that its also about 'professional detachment' which enables clients to deal with issues seriously but not take them too personally. Removing the ego from the equation is one way of doing that.

Nick Wright

6/2/2018 11:35:02 am

Thanks David. You may be interested in this short piece that touches on professional detachment: http://www.nick-wright.com/blog/just-enough Let me know what you think? Your comment, 'deal with issues seriously but not take them too personally' reminded me of disassociation techniques that can be useful for both coaches and clients.

Cheryl Brooker

6/2/2018 02:06:09 pm

Thanks Nick and David. For me it's also prompting that to help leaders/clients with "an authentic sense of priority", we need to help them and guide them with 'self' first. Something most development they may have undertaken to date, often doesn't even scratch the surface of. But it's a brave step to take with someone they trust

Nick Wright

6/2/2018 02:08:28 pm

Thanks Cheryl. That sounds intriguing - 'to help them and guide them with self first.' Can you say a bit more? In my experience, it sometimes touches on deep spiritual-existential levels, out of which authentic choices can be made.

Cheryl Brooker

9/2/2018 10:49:37 pm

Interesting Nick, but the ‘self’ in leadership I’m referring to is when we are challenged to stop and focus on ourselves, our patterns, principles and triggers built up from our earliest experiences onwards. It's certainly deep, and requires working with someone to explore and unlock the patterns that both work for you, while enabling choice for with those that hold you back. These are some of the most rewarding sessions and opportunities to support those who are often expert and highly respected in their field, and yet when have they had the same support with ‘self leadership’?

Nick Wright

9/2/2018 10:51:45 pm

Thanks Cheryl. I think what you describe can be a real value of e.g. psychological coaching. I have seen such amazing personal, team and organisational transformations by this adopting this approach.

John (Norval) Settle

6/2/2018 02:09:39 pm

I think it's called "perspective," which may include or facilitate neutrality/impartiality -- which is part of why mediation works.

Nick Wright

6/2/2018 02:34:00 pm

Hi John. I think it is partly about perspective. It can be about e.g. emotional experience and personal-cultural stance too. Do you have examples from mediation you could share here?

John (Norval) Settle

8/2/2018 07:15:37 pm

Nick, I only meant that when you're associated with a dispute, you, ipso facto, DO "give a f*ck" (or at a minimum are likely to be perceived as such) -- and our actual or supposed personal emotional competence or distance may not count for as much as we like to think. Our self-satisfied views of our own competencies may be more about ego than human reality!
One of the beauties of mediation is that, as we professionally are by definition relatively impartial/neutral and unassociated with the parties, we can operate without that human failing and with more trust.
Of course, even mediators debate how "impartial/neutral" we really are! There's a great "Seinfeld" episode in which Jerry announces that a dispute between Kramer & Elaine calls for a mediator -- "one whose heart is so cold that he/she cannot be touched by any human emotion!" (Not!)

Nick Wright

8/2/2018 07:22:41 pm

Hi John. I like your comment, 'when you're associated with a dispute, you, ipso facto, DO "give a f*ck".' I guess that's because we have a vested interest in achieving a specific outcome. In mediation, as facilitator it's important not to be too invested in achieving a specific outcome - in order to avoid contaminating the process. You may find this short piece interesting: http://www.nick-wright.com/blog/standing-in-the-breach, especially the link to Karen Bailey's excellent blog on this point: http://www.karenbaileymediation.com/transforming-hr-practitioners-into-mediators/

John (Norval) Settle

16/2/2018 03:35:19 pm

Almost by definition, Nick, as mediators we know we should avoid becoming invested "in a specific outcome" (I was speaking more of the parties' drivers).
The more difficult problem for mediators is avoiding investment in getting a solution -- ANY solution -- to our clients' problems -- as that's a too-easy, simplistic and alluring aspect of our role. And the latter has layers of "good" and "bad" motivations. It's part of what makes mediation complex and interesting.

Nick Wright

16/2/2018 03:37:16 pm

Hi John. I agree. It is one reason why careful contracting with the client(s) is critical from the outset.

E.G.Sebastian - CPC, CSL

6/2/2018 03:37:53 pm

I really think that the concepts in that book was written based on my life and business phylosophy... BUT, since I don't give a fu#k, I did not read the book, so I could be totes wrong :)

Nick Wright

6/2/2018 03:38:30 pm

Hi E.G. Thank you for modelling 'whatever' so beautifully. ;)

Tim Brownson

6/2/2018 07:00:38 pm

E.G.Sebastian - CPC, CSL The book was spawned from a blog post by Mark Manson 3 or 4 years ago that went viral. TBH, you can get pretty much everything from the blog post you need.

Deaunna (Dee) Evans, CBC, ICF-ACC

6/2/2018 03:42:20 pm

My young adult son just finished this book, and gave me the skinny. Basic premise is to NOT invest our valuable emotional currency into things we have zero control over. 'People Pleasers' have difficulty with the sometimes fine lines.

Nick Wright

6/2/2018 03:45:22 pm

Hi Deaunna. I haven't heard the expression, 'give me the skinny' before. It made me smile! :) I think zero control is one dimension. It's also about investing in who or what matters and disinvesting in who or what doesn't.

Karin Brauner Hollman

6/2/2018 06:04:25 pm

Great post! I am a rebel against societies nuances - the you "should" and "have to" be or do certain things...well we don't all fit those stipulations, and why should we? I challenge my clients to find what they want to do and not to do, without worrying about what society says their lives should look like (things like going to University instead of having a gap year travelling, or finding a job and staying in it for life even though miserable in it)...

Nick Wright

6/2/2018 06:09:23 pm

Thanks Karin. Yes, it's part of enabling a person to discover or decide what is most important to them. The question of social influences becomes quite complex when working cross-culturally. Here's a coaching-related example you may find interesting from an Asian cultural perspective? http://www.nick-wright.com/blog/cross-cultural-coaching

Lynn Rodgers

6/2/2018 06:10:50 pm

I really relate to this - especially not seeing a way forward in dense ‘forest’. It's ok to care passionately about things but not about everything to an intense degree. Be selective about the f*cks you give! I'll def look this book out 👍 (and apologies if you’re offended by my language!)

Nick Wright

6/2/2018 06:11:54 pm

Hi Lynn. If you read the book, let us know what you think! :)

Tara Parker

7/2/2018 03:28:42 am

Nick, This book is currently in my library ready for my reading pleasure. I have read the author's blogs and knew the book would be an enjoyable and insightful read. I am more anxious to read it now knowing you have!

To address your question: How do I help people discover who or what matters most? Value. Determining how to value the self. Many will often allow the opinons of others to factor in when calculating the self-worth. This is not only a great disservice to ourselves but runs the risk of negative equity to who we are. There is no pleasing every person. As I paraphrase: you could be the sweetest, finest most perfect peach in the world and there will still be someone who doesn't like a peach. There is a true sense of peace once we come to understand our value as we deem it and not worry about those who don't agree. It is a matter of opinion and it is our own opinion that counts when talking about that person we see in the mirror!

Tara

Nick Wright

7/2/2018 09:59:05 am

Thanks Tara. Let us know what you think of the book when you read it. I found the opening chapter most entertaining and profound. :)

I really like your metaphor: 'you could be the sweetest, finest most perfect peach in the world and there will still be someone who doesn't like a peach.' If we are always trying to be and behave how we imagine other people will like and approve of, it may well lead us to something like stress, anxiety or depression.

I find the 'value myself' philosophy interesting. Is it the same as self-acceptance plus, perhaps, an appreciation of our own gifts and talents?

Sue Watson

7/2/2018 12:43:12 pm

Great article, my sentiments exactly.

Nick Wright

7/2/2018 12:43:33 pm

Thanks Sue. :)

Maegan Carney MA

7/2/2018 03:57:23 pm

I think this applies to all of us. We are collectively overloaded with information and more things we "should" know or stay on top of. The question I use to clarify my priorities is, "what fills me up?"

Nick Wright

7/2/2018 03:58:26 pm

Hi Maegan. 'What fills me up?' is an interesting question. What does it mean? I ask myself, 'When do I feel most alive?'

Chris Jackson

8/2/2018 08:49:52 am

Well, it’s got to be the Cycle of Experience, Nick :). However, the challenge is how to work with the Cycle when multiple, competing ‘figures’ are emerging from the ‘ground'. Here’s what I’ve found useful. My approach is informed by the Gestalt Institute of Cleveland’s work on “Competing Commitments”.

Joseph Zinker applied the Cycle to groups, recognising that in a group each individual is operating his/her own Cycle and often in a way that is competing with the Cycles of the other group members (at least different phases and different timings, and maybe even different figures). Therefore, this can hinder the *group* Cycle from completing. To resolve this, one must work with the individual cycles and the group cycles together.

What if we apply this approach to an individual who has "lost all sight of the metaphorical wood for the densely-crowded proverbial trees” because so many figures are emerging for him/her? To see how this works, we can VERY simply (in order for brevity here) denote the Cycle of Experience as “[A] Become Aware -> [B] Process -> [C] Assimilate”. (Hopefully, this doesn’t overly simplify things!).

Firstly, [A], we need to get all of the competing figures on the table: let them flow, write them down on different pieces of paper, place those pieces around the table/room in a way that’s meaningful for the coachee. Resist the temptation to process at this first stage. You know you’ve finished [A] when the coachee displays a drop in energy, i.e., no more energy for anything else.

Then, [B], get the coachee to walk around the room, observing the competing phrases that he/she has written during [A]. Encourage the coachee to be curious and open to possibility. (Note: before commencing [B], you can encourage the coachee into such a state by asking them to re-live a time when they *were* curious.). The aim here isn’t to solve; rather it’s to get the coachee to hold the ambiguity of the competing commitments in order to allow a new cycle of experience to emerge.

Then, [C], follow the coachee’s energy in this new cycle of experience and a resolution (note: not a solution) *will* emerge. Get the coachee to explain this resolution and move to coaching the individual to assimilate it into their ground. Finally, ask them “So, what are you going to do now?” They will know !

Hope the above makes sense and keen to hear people’s reactions :) …

Nick Wright

8/2/2018 08:55:50 am

Hi Chris and thank you for sharing such useful insights from Gestalt. I particularly liked your question: 'how to work...when multiple, competing ‘figures’ are emerging from the ‘ground'.' I think it is one of the challenges of applying the 'Cycle of Experience' concept because so often people and groups are experiencing multiple overlapping cycles, not one simple, linear cycle, at a time. I agree that enabling figures to emerge explicitly in the way you describe can be helpful - then to see what emerges as figural once all are on the proverbial table (or on post-its on walls) and to work with that.

Arjun Rajagopalan

8/2/2018 11:09:00 am

In the same tone, there is also Sarah Knights "The Life-Changing Magic of Not Giving a F**k: How to stop spending time you don't have doing things you don't want to do with people you don't like " The book, I understand, is so successful that she and her husband have quit their 9-5 existence and moved to the Dominican Republic. Still, I agree with your point of view that one cannot simply say "f**k you" to our daily lives and the events therein. You are right in that the secret really lies in trying to help people discover what matters most and shed every other effort that is not directed to it. Takes a lot of guts. Cheers.

Nick Wright

8/2/2018 11:17:08 am

Thanks Arjun. I hadn't heard of that book but it sounds like it advocates a similar stance and approach to Mark Manson's. You reminded me of when, at age 21, I felt called and inspired to follow Jesus and threw in my well-paid job in industry and my related studies (3 months before my finals - after studying 3 nights a week, three hours a night, for 5 years) to work as a community development volunteer instead. My family and friends freaked out because they thought I was being reckless. In fact, it was one of the best decisions of my life and I have never regretted it - even for a split second! :)

Tsufit

8/2/2018 07:08:04 pm

Certainly a book title that commands attention. And your Whatever title attracted me to the post. I was kinda disappointed when the book was not called Whatever with the other part being a subtitle. Might have been even more powerful that way.

Nick Wright

8/2/2018 07:08:37 pm

Hi Tsufit. Do you think I could get a job in marketing..? ;)

Patrick Ewers

8/2/2018 07:09:13 pm

One of the coaches on my team loves that book. It's been on my reading list for awhile, definitely gonna have to pick it up.

Nick Wright

8/2/2018 07:09:43 pm

Hi Patrick. If you do read it, let us know what you think!

Haridoss Sarma, PhD

8/2/2018 10:45:41 pm

As much as what matters most in any coaching or training are the intangibles (little things that count, a smile, a pat, a nod or the tone of the voice or an appreciation), I think, the clients need to be enabled to see the intangibles in their situations, the other side of the coin (the tangibles) and their relative importance; essentially help them to negotiate between the contextual factors so as to arrive at practical and achievable goals. Does this make sense?

Nick Wright

8/2/2018 11:26:55 pm

Hi Haridoss. Well said. I sometimes say in change leadership too: 'Little things are big things.'

Savannah Ugan

8/2/2018 10:47:02 pm

I love this! Great information in a humorous package.

Nick Wright

8/2/2018 11:25:37 pm

Thanks Savannah. It made me smile too. :)

Edwina Love Lawrence

9/2/2018 11:13:57 am

Thanks Nick! My singing teacher calls this the "hootless moment" when you don't give two hoots about whatever it is ( in this case singing in public!) Once you (I ) let go control, the work does itself .

Nick Wright

9/2/2018 11:15:16 am

Thanks Edwina. 'Hootless moment' - what a great expression! :)

Collette Mayers

9/2/2018 10:38:23 pm

Great post Nick, it incapsulates so much of what does actually happen in the room. and how the flow can be unending, because the client feels the need to tell every little detail in great detail. This congers up a cone shape for me that has been constructed with all this detail and getting through it back to the "point" of the cone reveals the focus of the work.

Nick Wright

9/2/2018 10:42:47 pm

Thanks Collette. I like your cone metaphor! My sense is that some clients feel the need to tell every little detail because that's how they think things through for themselves. Other clients, by relating so much detail, reveal the degree to which they feel completely lost or overwhelmed. I'm curious - how do you help a person move through the cone to what they discover or decide is the 'point'?

Lue Glover Wilson

9/2/2018 10:44:03 pm

Sometimes a client needs to release all the details about what they find difficult - and once ‘out there’ it can feel offloaded and the real concern can become more apparent. Good post!

Nick Wright

9/2/2018 10:46:33 pm

Thanks Lue. Yes, I think that can be a great value of allowing a client cathartic space and time for the proverbial dust to settle enough to allow them to see clearly. You may find this related short piece resonates on that front? http://www.nick-wright.com/blog/catharsis

Martella Diederiks

10/2/2018 10:31:46 am

Love this, we all know it but show its value got lost is all the expectations of life and then if you tead it or hear it again one realizes how important it is to refresh it in a daily badis. Thanks.

Nick Wright

10/2/2018 10:33:13 am

Thanks Martella. Yes, I think it is hard to sustain clarity of thought and perspective in the midst of day-to-day life..!

Julia Hill

10/2/2018 02:15:18 pm

I was intrigued by the comment "The subtle art of not giving a f*ck". There are times, when a "sense of separation" is helpful and necessary. By that I mean, it's not feasible that we can identify and work with every detail sometimes expressed by clients. This "smoke screening" like the dust analogy needs careful filtering. and timing, in an attempt to see what is really at the heart of the matter.

Nick Wright

10/2/2018 02:17:22 pm

Hi Julia. I was intrigued by your comment, 'smoke screening'. That's an interesting dimension to the conversation. 'Careful filtering and timing' - I agree. Well said.

Dr Cathryn Lloyd

12/2/2018 10:29:49 am

Powerful questions.

Nick Wright

12/2/2018 10:30:14 am

Thanks Cathryn.

Teresa Whittaker

12/2/2018 10:32:04 am

It can be very liberating! (ie think this and move on appropriately)

Nick Wright

12/2/2018 10:33:02 am

Hi Teresa. Do you have any examples from experience you could share?

Sabine Cronin

12/2/2018 10:33:43 am

I like Peter HAWKINS "Future back" so I would ask: Looking ahead, what will matter in 10 year's time?

Nick Wright

12/2/2018 10:34:47 am

Hi Sabine. That's a good question. We could add...'and for whom?'

Cat Duval

12/2/2018 10:35:36 am

There is also 'F*** It - the ultimate spiritual way' by John Parkin which was an absolute breath of fresh air for me.

Nick Wright

12/2/2018 10:36:20 am

Hi Cat. It sounds like there are a number of books out there that advocate a similar outlook and approach!

Michael Mantel, Ph.D.

12/2/2018 10:47:10 am

In 1988, I wrote the book, “Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff PS: It's All Small Stuff,” - could not agree more with your comments. My most recent book, “The Link is What You Think” extends the practice of focusing on what matters, avoiding negative self-talk and living your own life w/o giving a f*ck about other’s opinions.
Love your post!

Nick Wright

12/2/2018 10:48:15 am

Thanks Michael. You have inspired me to read your books! :)

Penny Shipton

12/2/2018 10:51:26 am

I have that publication I was looking through yesterday and was so surprised but chuffed that non of the issues made me give a fuck, I used to be so self conscious bow at 46, in a good place 😃

Sorry mines "shut happens, get over it, I think humour is a great way to survive.

Penny Shipton

12/2/2018 10:50:25 am

I think some ignoramaces we call people need to he f bomb dropped, WTF is part of most of my sentences, who give a fuck, a nice long faaaark when you realise Donald Trumps hair messed up as he boarded a plane has become viral, lol people with confidence express themselves differently, sometimes we forget all the blogs, books, the very word is iconic in Australia, my son just suggested a swear jar, 😂, we actually had a man charged with offensive language because he dropped the f bomb to a copper when I was in the force, she dismissed it on the grounds it had become part of acceptable conversation and the context wasn't severe enough, so theoretically non of us give a flying fuck here, lol hope I gave you a giggle.

Nick Wright

12/2/2018 10:53:43 am

Hi Penny. Yes, you made me smile. I was tempted to respond with WTF?! I wonder why we get so hung up on language.

Rhonda Strehlow

12/2/2018 10:54:47 am

We often get mired in the details because our boss get mired in the details. A boss's job is to lead and trust that the staff they hired will work out the details. When a boss micromanages it is often because they don't know how to trust. My biggest leadership mistakes hinge on not letting go of control. It is disrespectful and time consuming to try to control the world.

Nick Wright

12/2/2018 10:55:35 am

Hi Rhonda. Well said.

Jeanine Delay

12/2/2018 11:07:07 am

Nick, great post-thank you for highlighting this book (which I've seen but not read yet) and the related concepts. Love the "when we care too much about too much" framework as a starting point. Asking as you did, "so what matters most to you right now or in the next 30 days, etc. or with the time and energy you have, what 1-2 actions might make sense in the short term and what 1-2 things might make sense in the long-term?" @Chris Jackson: sounds like you have another blog in the making!

Nick Wright

12/2/2018 11:08:06 am

Thanks Jeanine. If you do read the book, let us know what you think?

Debra Olejownik

12/2/2018 11:09:19 am

Years ago I caught myself presenting the same way, not as drastic or detailed but I certainly noticed the audience slipping away. Then a good friend helped me not to sweat the small stuff; what a difference it makes in connecting to your audience. #Engaged, #Motivated, #Inspired.

Nick Wright

12/2/2018 11:10:49 am

Hi Debra. Thanks for such an honest response. I, too, have had similar experiences and have had to learn to let go of some of the less important things in order to avoid them becoming an interference to the more important things.

Sherry Chase

12/2/2018 11:12:00 am

"careful filtering and timing" of the 'smoke screen' is the art. The 'smoke screen' is always speaking from the core if we can just see inside to that core. There is another book by John Parkin called 'F--k It' which has an underlying Buddist perspective that is quiet entertaining as well as profound.

Nick Wright

12/2/2018 11:13:46 am

Hi Sherry. 'The smoke screen is always speaking from the core.' I like that. Do you have any examples from experience you could share to illustrate it in practice?

Sherry Chase

15/2/2018 01:24:18 pm

Yes, an individual just this week spoke positively of how they were experiencing their over crowded life and seeing a bit of a break in their whirlwind. They were looking forward to putting into place ways of "controlling" their future. The overloaded 'core' was no doubt feeling the crunch but it wasn't comfortable accessing its own internal state. As a result, the 'screen' stepped in and spoke about manipulating the external environment as a protective measure. Not a bad tactic, but the screens activity clouds the awareness of what the core really needs. Without that internal view, focus and intuition the external action will only be able to guess what the right action may be; risking a feeling groundlessness.

Nick Wright

15/2/2018 01:27:16 pm

Thanks Sherry. So many great metaphors to work with, e.g. whirlwinds and 'clouds'..!

Doug Jones

12/2/2018 11:14:43 am

When the client has described the "landscape" of their situation they can often focus on what their priorities are when asked. To look at what is within the client's control and what is not helps too. Humor can help to gain perspective. I like Paul Watzlawick's work especially "The Situation is Hopeless But Not Serious".

Nick Wright

12/2/2018 11:16:29 am

Hi Doug. One way I have found useful in helping clients identify priorities in their landscape is to ask, 'If you could change one thing..?'

Gene Bulmer

14/2/2018 01:37:24 pm

In my marathon running days, someone would tell me that they were thinking about entering one & ask me what they should do. I could easily end up on the floor, showing specific stretches or advising them to spread Vaseline between their toes (to lessen blister friction over 26 miles). Six weeks later, they hadn’t even bought a pair of running shoes! : )

These days my advice is to visualize themselves breaking the tape & completing the race. Cast a clear vision, show them why they have a stake in its completion & then lead them there.

Nick Wright

14/2/2018 01:42:55 pm

Hi Gene. That sounds like a great way to develop focus. You may find these related short pieces interesting?

http://www.nick-wright.com/blog/dream
http://www.nick-wright.com/blog/yes-but

Olivier Winghart

14/2/2018 01:44:32 pm

Thank you! Wise and practical point, especially the last paragraph of your post.

Nick Wright

14/2/2018 01:45:18 pm

Thanks Olivier! :)

Harold Russell

14/2/2018 01:46:28 pm

Very true Nick!

Nick Wright

14/2/2018 01:46:48 pm

Thanks Harold!

Tara Nolan, PCC

14/2/2018 01:47:31 pm

Nick I cannot begin to share how much this is true for me, my clients and so much of what is concerning society right now- it's not abdication or resignation but a real acceptance around what you can influence, what matters most and where you can maintain equanimity - thanks for the reminder.

Nick Wright

14/2/2018 01:52:23 pm

Thanks Tara. Yes, it sometimes feels like the world is spinning fast - metaphorically as well as physically - and the amount of information, opinion, feeling and, at times, 'fake news' we are bombarded with - in the midst of rapid, complex social and technological changes - makes finding and sustaining perspective and focus critical.

Karen Fugle

15/2/2018 01:21:58 pm

I like this “An important dimension of resilience is learning when not-to-care.” Thank you Nick

Nick Wright

15/2/2018 01:22:55 pm

Thanks Karen. It's something I am still learning.

Cath Norris

15/2/2018 01:28:26 pm

Great questions Nick. I'm listening for what it is that they're unfolding and how they're going about that. What's their process, how are they relating to themselves and their needs, what are their authentic needs and why and in what ways are they hidden? Context and content. I'm listening for their conditioned self, for example internalised beliefs and behaviours which conflict with what is trying to emerge and be acknowledged and integrated. I'm listening for those conflicts between the primary conditioned process that they've evolved through adaptations and their secondary marginalised one which points to their authentic self which is trying to be heard. That's usually why people are in therapy - because they can't connect with and voice their authentic self due to outdated adaptations which are no longer meeting their needs. Connecting with that marginalised self requires pace, tenderness, understanding of the intelligence behind their adaptations and the ability to pick up on and frame what's beneath the surface. It's relational because it's about how they've learnt to relate to themselves through their relationship with others. We're offering an alternative way of relating which is based on genuinely valuing the ways in which they are conflicted and why and in which they are seen, understood and valued.

Nick Wright

15/2/2018 01:30:28 pm

Thanks Cath. That reminds me of needs-fulfilment principles in Gestalt.

Mirka Sireni

19/2/2018 10:07:26 pm

We live day in - day out in a tremendous flow of information. The good think is that our brain works like a funnel; the most of this information passes through. The devil is in details, but if the big picture gets lost, these small devils just lead us off the trail. Keeping one motto though helps keeping the focus: Don't work hard, work smart.. I needed years of 16 hour days to understand how this works, but the trick really is, don't focus in small stuff. Sometimes it is convenient to stay focused in the small stuff, cause the big stuff needs the courage to take difficult decisions & taking over the responsibility. But only this way we come forward as companies, departments and even in our personal lives.

Nick Wright

19/2/2018 10:09:15 pm

Hi Mirka. Well said. I think that's a really interesting reflection on why sometimes we may choose to stay focused on the 'small stuff'.

Vimala Suppiah

21/2/2018 02:35:30 pm

In a company I coached, the senior team were so alienated from what or why they actually came to work! It was a toxic workplace, confused agendas with a blame culture. The MD truly wanted the best to come out but was struggling. After 1:1 and some team coaching, I introduced Action Learning. I asked them to go away and think about what really mattered for them and the company. They dig deep with honesty and came back with issues: sense of belonging, teamwork, communication etc. They worked on it and turned things around. it is now a much happier place.

Nick Wright

21/2/2018 02:37:31 pm

Hi Vimala. That sounds like a great application of action learning to discover what is most important to the team.

G. Ravindran

22/2/2018 08:58:26 am

Loved it !

Nick Wright

22/2/2018 08:58:54 am

Thanks G! :)

Jane Holliday BA (hons) Social work

7/6/2019 01:53:36 pm

Yes. This is very interesting. With the onset of a debilitating stress related illness and my experience and training as a social worker. Ive realised that we we so easily get bogged down in a myre of emotions that our focus becomes lost.
sometimes, like me, end up damaging ourselves by our expectations of ourselves and others and our pre conceived idea of what a situation should look like in our mind, that is not shared by others. Im still learning that my main focus should be ME and not let ME get lost in the emotional confusion often caused by others. This is my work in progress.

Nick Wright

8/6/2019 12:19:27 pm

Hi Jane and thank you for such an honest, personal response. Yes, our health can suffer if we try to devote care and attention in too many directions at the same time, without paying attention to our own needs and well-being too. I hope your work in progress continues to a brighter and healthier future..!

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