What's your story?

19/12/2011

Think back to your early childhood. What was your favourite story? What was the plot? How did it begin, what happened in the middle and how did it end? Which character did you most identify with? Can you see themes and patterns from the story reflected in your own life? Some psychologists believe childhood stories can act as life scripts. It’s as if there is something in a favourite story that resonates with the child’s experience and expectations to date which then becomes formative in how the child experiences and approaches their own life.

It may be a story from a book. It could equally be a story in a song, or perhaps the real story happening around the child, the observations, interpretations and early sense they make of what they notice in people and situations as they experience them. The child subconsciously acts out the script, with the script functioning like a self-fulfilling prophecy. Ask a person, ‘what keeps happening to you?’ and they can often identify and articulate repeating patterns, as if trapped in recurring cycles of experience.

‘I keep falling into the same kind of relationships.’ ‘ ‘No matter what I do, I end up on my own.’ ‘Whatever happens, I always land on my feet.’ ‘I always achieve what I want in the end.’ ‘I often get rescued by others.’ ‘People always betray me.’ I find this hypothesis intriguing. I’m curious about it because I’m interested in the stories we construct retrospectively of our own lives, the way we join dots between what we perceive as significant events or experiences to create our own coherent life story.

How far is our life story created by our own expectations? How far do our expectations shape how we experience people, relationships, objects and events? How do our expectations focus or limit what we notice, what we don’t notice and the meanings we attribute? In transactional analysis, coaches and therapists may help a client to surface their life script with a view to evaluate it and, if they wish, to change it in order to experience greater freedom and autonomy as the client approaches the future.

I’m not sure its possible or desirable to live a script-free life. It’s often our hopes and expectations that draw us forward, inspire us, energise us with the courage we need to face fresh challenges. Nevertheless, I do like the idea of increasing awareness and choice.

So, what’s your story?

61 Comments

Bridget

19/12/2011 01:00:07 pm

This is really thought provoking & profound! I can already think of 1 major script in my life. It's really helpful to focus in on this stuff..& get some therapy!!! If your blogs cause readers to get therapy, do you pay for it?!

Do you offer therapy??

Nick Wright

21/4/2012 09:55:12 am

Thanks Bridget. I'm pleased you were able to identify a script in your own life. I find these ideas and experiences profound too. Your therapy comments made me smile. :) With best wishes. Nick

Rosie Stevens link

19/5/2012 08:03:57 am

Hi again Nick.

Another subject very, very dear to my heart! So this is (part) of my story, or at least the story about story.

My mother taught speech and drama and read to me from the time I was really just a young baby.

I remember sitting on the window seat, in the big room at the front of our house in the North East, where she taught classes of children - always, always, through the use of story, plays and poetry.

I remember swinging my 2 year old legs (as much as two year olds can swing their legs on high window seats!) and endlessly absorbing Toad of Toad Hall, Winnie the Pooh , Peter Rabbit et al and then Swallows and Amazons, The Secret Garden, A Little Princess, the William books - and many, many years later, Shakespeare, Sir George Bernard Shaw, Wilfred Owen, Sir John Betjeman.

For my 6th birthday, my Grandma bought me The Lion, The Witch and the Wardrobe, Prince Caspian and Voyage of the Dawn Treader. I was hooked.

I wrote stories ad infinitum and read I think every night, often under the covers, by torchlight, when I should have long been asleep, until I was about 21. Then for some reason, I let life take over and read very little by way of stories until I started my MA in Management Learning (and Leadership) in 1998.

For some reason, the need to read so much academic literature prompted a return to story (if I'm honest, probably because my challenged and taxed brain needed some respite) and I found a way to combine the two, by writing academic pieces (in which I often challenged the pure, critical theorists) in the form of a play and in the case of my dissertation, in a story about storytelling in organisations.

My childhood story friends sat on the pc, squabbled, challenged (only in the case of Aslan who of course was the really, seriously clever one), questioned - lots from Winne the Pooh, Piglet and Tigger (although Tigger mainly bounced around and distracted everyone) and reminded me of a part of me I'd really lost and of something I love that I'd stopped doing - writing story.

Aslan savaged the critical theorists at one point, whom he accused of carping from the sidelines (obviously, he didn't kill them, just gave them a bit of a mauling!!) and I struggled with the balance of telling the story of story in a critically rigorous academic way and getting totally carried away with telling the much more enjoyable and fun story that I and my little friends were co-creating together, in the moment, in my office in the spare room.

One of my friends actually wrote back, as we shared our progress, saying that he had been hugely enjoying the tussles, adventures and arguments that had played out between Piglet, Tigger and Pooh, when it felt as though I had suddenly thought ; "Oops, I'd better put something clever and academic in now" - which of course, was exactly how it was!

I don't pretend that I struck the right balance - I didn't - and the research was nowhere near as strong as it could have been, it being really difficult to find an organisational Storyteller by profession, who was able to give me the access and allow me to do the kind of research I really wanted to do (ethnomethodological - nice word but took me ages to learn it and even remember what it was!). But it didn't matter because I absolutely loved writing it and managed to get through anyway and I've continued to read and write stories ever since.

The time that I wrote my disseration was one of the most awful in my life, which had turned completely and utterly upside down. I almost gave up on the MA; but, thanks to an amazing tutor at Lancaster, I chose to carry on - and I absolutely know that through the escapism of writing the story, I realised that I could find and fix myself again, that things would eventually be OK.

This weekend, my cat has posted a couple of diary day stories on my Facebook page and I have absolutely LOVED writing it - on his behalf, of course. I may carry on the story that I've started. Although my daughter has said that I probably come over as some mad cat-woman! C'est la vie.

So that's part, but by no means all, of my story. It's the story of how I came to story.

And the role of story is really interesting for me too in the field of therapy.

Bridget's post made me really think about how it was that I came to want to be a therapist and the extent to which, apart from a real curiosity about people and the profound impact of events in their lives, the love and practice of reading and writing story (really for my own amusement) had unconsciously influenced both the choice to study to be a therapist and the type of therapy I trained in - NLP, Hypnotherapy and EFT (Emotional Freedom Techniques).

What I did know was that I needed and really wanted to understand my life, understand and change the unhelpful patterns, scripts and beliefs that I kept recycling (yep, Bridget, I really recognise what you said) and through learning to do this, for myself and with others, to help other people make th

Rosie link

19/5/2012 08:19:00 am

Sorry, for some reason the last few parargraphs have got chopped of; and as I can't really remember all of what was flowing through my rambling mind at the time, I won't attempt to reconstruct them, except to say that:

- I think Bridget's post made me realize that I think I inadvertently chose therapeutic approaches (NLP, Hypnotherpay and EFT) that subliminally and very consciously use story, metaphor, imagery etc - past story, current story and future story

- I think there are some amazing approaches, such as EFT, whose power, success and use in the world has been spread to millions of people entirely through modern story - the media in every form, online international newletters and case studies, YouTube, Facebook, Twitter et al, the internet more widely, online vidoes, DVDs, documentaries, the exploration and story of quantum physics (especially by people like Bruce Lipton)

- I need to work out how I can really harness the power of story better in an organisational setting and to enable people to be the very best of who they really are.

Answers on a postcard please!

And thank you very much, Nick and Bridget, for prompting these probably rather muddled and rambling reflections, which have nevertheless been really useful for me - and I hope in prompting something helpful for others.

Nick Wright

19/5/2012 12:58:24 pm

Thanks Rosie, so much food for thought there. It's interesting to hear how signficant 'story' has been in your own life story. I found myself wondering as I was reading what you shared whether there are resonances between what has happened in your life, the various adventures, discoveries, challenges and desires etc that you have experienced, and what was played out in the stories you heard, read and wrote as a child? Just a thought. With best wishes. Nick

Nika Quirk MBA PhD

19/5/2012 12:23:47 pm

East of the Sun and West of the Moon. A white bear bargains with a poor father for his youngest daughter who he eventually takes away on his back to live with him. She discovers he's an enchanted prince. Her curiosity has impact and she must be fearless, intelligent and truthful in order to find him and be rejoined. She can only make her way through the support of others and she succeeds. As the youngest in my family I identified with her. Thanks for asking Nick. I hadn't thought of this story in years!

Nick Wright

19/5/2012 12:31:51 pm

Thanks Nika. I loved the vivid way in which you retold such a dramatic story. Have you noticed resonances between themes and patterns in your childhood story and how your own life has played out since? With best wishes. Nick

Nika Quirk MBA PhD

20/5/2012 02:39:16 pm

Hi. There's also Archetypes to look into, as children's stories usually feature them. And Jungian approaches like Clarissa Pinkola Estes (Women Who Run With the Wolves) that shine a light into what story we are living out.

Jay Dewey

19/5/2012 12:24:39 pm

I'm interested in following your note here -- interesting stuff. Among other things it signals leadership researchers going beyond researching adults and realizing that that which somehow makes a differences in our lives go much deeper -- and begins much earlier. Please keep me informed of what you find. Have you begun matching up your work with brain research results?

Nick Wright

19/5/2012 12:36:22 pm

Hi Jay and thanks for the note. I think you raise an interesting point in terms of researching influences on leadership, not just in terms of the 'here and now' (current story) but also on how the 'there and then' (childhood story) is played out in the 'here and now'. I haven't looked further into this area, including into brain research. I would be interested to hear if you have any further insights. With best wishes. Nick

Grahame Thompson

19/5/2012 12:25:32 pm

My story consists of architypical psychological imagery and is imensely interesting to me until I discover that it's not that interesting to anyone else. After a while I've learned to shut up about my story and listen to other peoples stories. In that way I learn much more about myself as well as about them. I'm led to believe that there are 'stages' to impactful storytelling. Maybe if I used them people would be more interested in mine :)

1. Set The Scene
2. Define the Task/Vision
3. Introduce the Characters
4. Identify The Obstacles
5. Overcome the Obstacles
6. Make the Point That The Obstacles Have Been Overcome
7. Conclusion/Moral

Nick Wright

19/5/2012 12:48:06 pm

Hi Grahame and thanks for the note. I felt quite sad when you commented that you had learned to shut up about your own story! How would it be if you were to construct and share your story along the lines you have proposed? I was very interested in your comment that by listening to other people's stories you learn more about yourself as well as about them. That sounded like a profound principle to me. Would you be happy to say more about it? Similar to your 7 steps model of storytelling, I've also heard it said that the most popular and impacting stories typically follow a design similar to that known in Transactional Analysis as the Drama Triangle; that is, they feature a victim, a persecutor and a rescuer. Insofar as that is a common pattern of human experience, I wonder if that's why stories with those dimensions appeal to and resonate with the human psyche. With best wishes. Nick

Judy link

19/5/2012 01:51:57 pm

My favorite and overriding story, which as you suggest, has been an abiding theme for me is "The Emporer's New Clothes."

Now, my query about this whole phenomenon is... does the story click to our true natures are or does the story create those natures in us?

Nick, I have posed this question before and it's utterly fascinating to explore these early and important stories.

Of course, stories told to us by others, ( significant ones or at significant times) also impact us don't they?

Nick Wright

19/5/2012 02:16:37 pm

Hi Judy and thanks for the note. I think the question you pose in your second paragraph is a really interesting one at philosophical, psychological and experiential levels. I would be interested to hear how would might answer the question too. It seems to me it's possible that it could be both.

That is, that the stories may somehow resonate deeply with something within us, perhaps within our psyche and our circumstances as a child, and also that something within the stories influences how we subsequently perceive (and possibly shape) our own life experience.

I like your final comment that we are impacted by others' stories too, 'significant ones or at significant times'. This strikes me as an important social psychological principle, that how we experience our lives and the world is influenced by our social and cultural context, relationships and experience.

Thanks for posing such stimulating questions. With best wishes. Nick

Sonja Rooke

20/5/2012 03:00:24 am

Great thread Nick,
Very thought provoking and some interesting comments in there. Psychologists have indeed worked with children on their 'stories' as well as with adults. Puppets or dolls etc are often used to help children illustrate their stories too. The replies you've had would support the theory that we are impacted still in adulthood.

Loved the reference to drama triangle and TA as the archetype features strongly. Jung gives another description of archetypes and we can also identify with these characters in dreams.

A few comments have been on organisational storytelling and I'm sorry that Rosie was unable at the time to find an 'expert'. (I'm no an expert by the way) but I did use a storytelling approach within Siemens to explore the culture of the organisation. Part of it included interviewing employees and group discussions on the stories they told about the company - good and bad. Based on their experiences (and often on their perceptions and the rumour mill) the findings were fascinating and a rich source of information to work on in changing culture within the organisation..
The IRC put together a great source of research material for organisational storytelling this back in 2008 (if you're interested email me and I'll dig out the reference details).

I regularly use stories and metaphor in my work and it can be powerful stuff.

Finally I was saddened to hear that Grahame had learned to '...shut up about (his) story'. I wonder what the story was and if it has an impact on his choice not to tell it? Grahame, perhaps you could share on this post as Rosie has set the example and no one told her to 'shut up' :-) We're all ready to listen,,,

regards

Sonja

Nick Wright

20/5/2012 03:15:25 am

Hi Sonja and thank you for such interesting and thought-inspiring comments. :)

I would be interested to hear more about what questions or other approaches you have used to elicit cultural stories in organisations and how you moved towards culture change by drawing on, or perhaps reframing or creating new stories?

I've read some articles and once attended a short seminar on organisational storytelling and, although it evoked my curiosity, I have struggled to grasp how it could be used in practice to influence organisational change.

I too felt sad about Grahame's experience. I wonder whether feeling inhibited or prohibited from sharing one's story might also feature as a theme within the story itself. I also wondered what impact 'not telling' has on a person and their story over time.

With best wishes and thanks again. Nick

Sonja Rooke

20/5/2012 02:34:51 pm

Hi Nick

It's a huge subject area and I've been fortunate enough to work with senior leadership teams on culture - it helps if you gain buy-in at the top.

I've found it helpful to approach the subject of stories by looking at the organisation background - not a threatening start and one that engages and reminds of what's been achieved. Many organisations produce really nice books on the story of their origins and how they've grown and thrived. You can then facilitate a discussion on whether that story holds true today. (If they say yes it does, then why are we discussing culture change? ;-) )

I ask them to consider what the next chapter will be...what the ending may be...is there an ending? - this in itself is a great question and can reveal the mindset of those present)..that type of thing.

Together, they can begin to agree on the story to come, what the story may be in the organisation and how they can then create and tell the story that will influence the rest of the organisation.

Narrative patterns are important - using negative tonality will fail to spark action.

From 'effective storytelling: strategic business narrative techniques' there are suggested patters for the following 8 objectives:

1 Sparking action
2 Communicating who you are
3 Transmitting values
4 Branding
5 Collaboration
6 Taming the grapevine
7 Knowledge share
8 Leading for the future

I have used these areas and adapted the stories / messages to the purpose.

EG: VALUES

a) you need a story that feels familiar to the audience and will prompt discussion about the values raised.

b) You need to use believable characters that they can identify with and the story must be consistent with the actions of the organisation or individual telling it

c) It should inspire phrases such as ' that's exactly right' 'I'm going to try it that way'

EG: SPARKING ACTION

a) Could describe how a successful change was implemented in the past, but in such a way that listeners can apply it to the now

b) Avoids excessive detail that will detract from the message

c) It should inspire phrases such as ' just imagine...' 'what if...'

Hope this helps

best wishes Sonja

Tracy Ward link

21/5/2012 10:02:25 am

"The narratives of the world are numberless" Bartheisan theory would have us believe whilst the Russian Formalists distilled it to 54 , I think.

The thread demonstrates our fascination with story, its links its promise its offer of suspension of this reality for another. My story is life and life is my story. I choose crayon not lead - In terms of my developing as a coach - my fascination and infinite curiosity is in the excitement and potential of people and our journey together . My new journey. So into the wardrobe i go again, (have you guessed yet children !) ...."But Lucy knew it was a very silly thing to close the door. behind you ".....I have a very half full approach to life and that i have always maintained is derived from my faith in life to deliver what you put in, it won't ever run out of surprises and sometimes sadness, but like the magic porridge pot it will never run dry. loved the thread. Well done to all of you story tellers out there. May your porridge pots always be full. :)

Nick Wright

21/5/2012 02:29:31 pm

Hi Tracy and thanks for the comments. I loved your expression, 'I choose crayon, not lead'. It sounds like you experienced some resonances in your own life with themes and the Lucy character in The Lion, the Witch & the Wardrobe? :) With best wishes. Nick

Scott Shaw

21/5/2012 01:55:00 pm

Good question. I'm reading The Power of Story and have been reflecting on my internal story--what I tell myself to explain life, why I do or do not do things. It has tremendous influence on how we live and work. What tapes are playing in your head? What is true? What story should you be telling yourself?

Nick Wright

21/5/2012 02:01:06 pm

Hi Scott and thanks for the comments. What you wrote reminded me of another short blog I once scribbed down: http://www.nick-wright.com/1/post/2011/02/a-constructed-reality.html. Let me know what you think? With best wishes. Nick

Skye Burn

21/5/2012 02:03:05 pm

I grew up in the fifties on a small remote island in Washington State. We were isolated from mainland culture, except through books. Mail came three days a week by boat. No one on the island had a telephone or television. My family had a radio, but it ran off the truck battery which was too heavy to lug into the house except on special occasions. My family lived in a log cabin without electricity or running water. We were poor in monetary terms, but rich in other ways. My mother was a single parent with four children. Every night before we went to bed she read to us in front of the fireplace. I remember many marvelous stories. From a leadership standpoint, Endurance by Ernest Shackleton was the most memorable. Also the final paragraphs in Tale of Two Cities (Dickens) stand out... where he (I don't remember the character's name) said "'Tis a far far better thing I do now than I have every done before..."

Nick Wright

21/5/2012 02:07:46 pm

Hi Skye. Thanks for sharing such a vivid account of your childhood. Sounds like an amazing and rich experience. Have you noticed resonances between themes or characters that particularly struck you as a child in Endurance or Tale of Two Cities and how your own life has worked out since? With best wishes. Nick

Skye Burn

22/5/2012 10:36:32 am

Nick, looking back it seems the thing that particularly struck me was the power of a story to transport one into another world where the story lives. I was also struck by the modesty and humanness of the central characters as they were thoroughly tested by events in the stories. Throughout my adult life I have sought to articulate a vision or 'framing story' that has the power to transport humanity into another world. (It seems the current call for a "new story" has this same motivation.) I have also struggled with the desire for recognition while at the same time my personal bearing has strong elements of modesty and humility that keep me from seeking certain kinds of exposure.

Bob Larcher

21/5/2012 02:09:44 pm

My earliest influences were a s a young boy growing up in the late fifties and early sixties in the UK; my childhood reading was comics such as the Hotspur, the Hornet and the Victor, all relating tales of epic battles and heroic deeds – saving the Queens colours at the battle of Isandlwana, the South-Wales Borderers defending Rorke's Drift, the Spartans holding off King Xerxes at the Pass of Thermopylae, the charge of the Light Brigade at Balaclava, Custer at the Little Big Horn to name but a few.

With hindsight, a recurring theme during this time in my life was the notion of “a noble a and brave few, holding out against overwhelming odds” – even if later I came to understand that maybe some of my childhood heroes were not what they were made out to be, it is clear that the pattern was set.

Nick Wright

21/5/2012 02:16:22 pm

Hi Bob and thanks for the comments. I like the way you have been able to identify a recurring theme throughout the childhood stories, the noble and brave few, holding out against overwhelming odds. I think it's an important point you alluded to, that it's what you heard (or what resonated with you as a child) rather than what was objectively accurate, so to speak. I'm curious about your final comment, 'the pattern was set'. Have you seen any similar patterns outworked in your life to those that struck a chord for you in the childhood stories? With best wishes. Nick

Karen link

21/5/2012 03:14:05 pm

I loved reading all of these accounts - and the one that struck a code was Rosie Stevens. As a fellow MAMLL my disertaion also was life changing and was "a story' - it even began - "This is my story, it is a story of change. It is a journey of a change agent in change. It is a record of a mediator in conflict. It is a tribute to wholeness and a holistic approach". It went on... "Whenever I start this story it never feels like it is at the beginning. A never ending series of repeat starts. I find myself writing ..'I know I am in the middle but I am not sure where the beginning is'" The writing of this story was a very creative and transformational time for me. So thank you Rosie for the nudge.

Two other thought processes come to mind with Nick's posting

The first is "What is your story" is often the opening words to a party going into mediation. Giving someone the space to describe their world can be powerful and helpful in a healing process and I hold a curiosity about the power of narrative and how we chose to use it in our society.

The second thought - Black Beauty - the stallion that lived a number of different lives including a wonderful retirement. Yet the ending I wanted for Black Beauty - to be the young colt - carefree forever and a day..... I suppose this is my script that I live with consider and reflect on from time to time....

Nick Wright

21/5/2012 04:18:21 pm

Hi Karen and thanks for the note. I loved the expressions you quoted from your dissertation that sound so profound, poetic and paradoxical. Your comments reminded of the deep mysteries of human existence and experience. I liked your reflection on the use of story in mediation and its power in healing. Is there something in mediation that's about co-creating the possibility of a new story too? I remember reading Black Beauty as a child and feeling traumatised by it. For me, it was a story that represented tragedy and loss. I like your reframing of it as a story of hope. With best wishes. Nick

Karen link

22/5/2012 03:06:36 am

Hi Nick
I know what you mean about Black Beauty being quite traumatic. Take heart from the words on wikipedia.... "While forthrightly reaching animal welfare, it also teaches how to treat people with kindness, empathy and respect". If I look at these words - well I'd like to think that they are a script I can live with.

Does mediation write a new story - well I suppose it's more that the characters will agree to do something differently - so for example in Sleep Beauty it maybe that the princess and the step mother agree to go to market to choose and buy apples together :-)

What a fascinating thread you have created...

Carl Foster

22/5/2012 04:37:56 am

http://www.amazon.co.uk/SELFMADE-Finding-goodness-greatness-yourself/dp/1906954518/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1336907121&sr=8-2

Nick Wright

22/5/2012 04:41:28 am

Hi Karen. Thanks for the note. I liked your reframing of the Black Beauty story. It reminds me of how subjectively and selectively we read stories...what we notice and don't notice, what themes emerge for us etc are often as much about us as what we read on the page. Your reframing of Sleeping Beauty made me smile. :) With best wishes. Nick

Bob Larcher

22/5/2012 12:20:52 pm

Nick, In my late teens and early twenties, I was very consciously influenced by people such as Martin Luther King, Bobby Kennedy (more so, strangely, than JFK), Jane Fonda, Ghandi and Steve Biko, individuals who decided to “stand up and be counted” and speak out for something they believed in – all for causes which seemed to me very honourable and noble.

The word "noble" is something recurring for me, it's not a word that I use that often when I am working with groups but it's a word I associate almost intrinsically with leadership - I sometimes feel that we are missing honourable and noble leaders; people who command real respect and have almost given their lives (in some cases literally) to helping humankind move forward.

Nick Wright

22/5/2012 12:27:04 pm

Hi Bob. Sounds like we had similar influences around that time. Mahatma Gandhi and Martin Luther King were big influences on me in my early to late twenties for similar reasons to those that you describe. I remember reading a chapter from MLK per day and saw Gandhi 3 times when it came out at the cinema! Jesus falls into that category for me too. I became a Christian at 21, inspired by Jesus' noble integrity, passion for the underdog and self-sacrifical, mysterious leadership. Thanks for reminding me of those things that are so important to me too. With best wishes. Nick

Nick Wright

22/5/2012 12:38:13 pm

Hi Skye. Thanks for further thoughts on this topic. I like the notion of story as 'transporting us into another world where the story lives.' It makes me wonder where the stories we create of our own lives transport us (and perhaps others) to. I can certainly see the link between vision and story in the way you explain it. I like the links you have drawn too between those you admired as a child and your own experience or 'story' as an adult. With best wishes. Nick

Nika Quirk MBA PhD

23/5/2012 12:58:22 pm

Thanks all for this great dialog. There's also something about the details of a personal story that recreate the emotional memory of the event. We can get "stuck" in our stories, reinforcing beliefs about self-identity and limiting our re-imagining of ourselves. I witness this with coaching clients. In my work with individuals and teams, and in my research, I've seen how drawing, poetic forms and movement assist us to learn from and transform outdated stories, and envision a new story to live into. There's power in metaphor and abstraction to do such work.

Nick Wright

23/5/2012 01:02:01 pm

Hi Nika and thanks for contributing the thread, to this story so to speak. :) I like your comment about how story can recreate the emotional memory of an event. I'm reminded of cognitive behavioural approaches to reworking memories that prove unhelpful, limiting or distressing in the present. I would love to hear more, some examples, of how you have used drawing, poetic forms and movement in practice. With best wishes. Nick

Scott Shaw

23/5/2012 01:07:22 pm

Hi Nick, your blog was way deeper than I was thinking--but good questions. We generally seem to feel there is one person in there in the midst of all those conflicting ideas and feelings. Maybe sometimes it's helpful to look at our lives sometimes through the lens of our different masks/roles and sometimes through the lens of the whole. When I mentioned story, I was referring, for example, to the story someone tells himself when he works all the time and neglects his family. "I work hard to show I love them, provide for them." "I have no choice." "Everyone has to do this." etc. Vs. (I too am a Christian) work is an opportunity to co-create with God, make a meaningful difference in the lives of coworkers and clients, and live out my God-given potential. Your story reinforces your behavior; it can prevent you from facing hard facts or encourage you to move forward. We become the stories we tell ourselves.

Nick Wright

23/5/2012 01:13:58 pm

Thanks for the reply, Scott, and for the interesting comments. I can see what you mean about the stories, or the subconscious scripts, that we tell ourselves. Again, I'm reminded of approaches in transactional analysis and cognitive behavioural work that help to surface and examine these scripts. I really like your final statement, 'we become the stories we tell ourselves' and I agree with your view that the stories we tell ourselves reinforce our behaviours - and the stories themselves. Good to hear we have Christian faith in common, and a shared view of co-creation and living our potential. With best wishes. Nick

Barbara McCulloch

23/5/2012 01:15:50 pm

All of the Moomintroll books by Tove Janson; Little House on the Prairie; The House of 60 Fathers. I remember reading aloud to my class when I first became a teacher and the worst threat you could make was to not read aloud after lunch (they were year 7,8 and 9 students). My own children loved the Harry Potter series and I loved reading them aloud.

Nick Wright

23/5/2012 01:27:24 pm

Hi Barbara. Thanks for the note. I remember watching Little House on the TV. :) I like your account of reading out loud as a teacher and how hearing stories felt so important for the students too. I'm intrigued by the idea of 'reading out loud' on the felt impact of story. Do you have any further thoughts and insights on this? Also, Who were your favourite characters in your own childhood stories and have you noticed any similarities to them in your own life? With best wishes. Nick

Deb Siverson

23/5/2012 01:19:43 pm

I don't recall my parents reading to me when i was little and yet I became an avid reader when I was quite young. I read all the Nancy Drew books and then The Little House series. I liked stories of strong heroines, adventure, and achievement. I also realize I read a lot of biographies. Women who accomplished great things. Fantastic post...creates great insight!

Nick Wright

23/5/2012 01:21:55 pm

Hi Deb and thanks for sharing your favourite childhood stories. Good that you are able to recognise and draw out recurring themes in them. I'm interested...how far have you seen those same themes being outworked in our own life too? With best wishes. Nick

Deb Siverson

23/5/2012 03:44:27 pm

Nick, I would say that my values are represented in the themes that showed up. And I am a big fan of Joseph Campbell and the Hero's Journey...hummmm?!!

Barbara McCulloch

24/5/2012 12:56:07 pm

I don't actually remember having stories read aloud to me but my mother remembers and so that triggers something in my memory; it's more of a good feeling than anything. When I started teaching, other people were astounded that I would even think of reading aloud to my class, given their age but we read The Lord of the Rings over a year. It engaged the entire class and was one of the few activities that achieved that, so I continued. The kids would come in after lunch, all boisterous and sweaty and congregate on the reading mat for the daily dose of story reading. Soon we accumulated two old couches, some pillows and rugs and it became a habit.When I had my own children, reading stories was one of the best parts of being a parent and now that they are grown up, they talk about their memories of story reading. Interestingly they both always scored incredibly highly on listening and comprehension tests.
I think the great benefit of stories is that they allow us to have heroes and role models. Great stories aren't about everything being easy; they are about overcoming adversity and finding beauty in normal everyday things. I think they help us to learn resilience and in narrative terms, they show us how to be the hero in our own life drama. Even when we are ordinary, stories with heroes show us how to be brave and to appreciate right from wrong. They allow us to think into the future and consider concepts like what kind of reputation and legacy we want to create and what values are important to us (and why they are important).

Nick Wright

24/5/2012 01:15:12 pm

Hi Barbara. I loved the graphic images of the class group waiting to be read to. :)

I was struck by your opening comment about a memory of a good feeling, rather than a rememberance of being read to. It makes me wonder how stories, reading out loud, listening etc. in the context of a special relationship may subconsciously influence our story.

I was reminded of once a theological college where the lecturer invited the class to sit silently while he read the whole of the gospel of Mark out loud. We were encouraged not to analyse, just to listen and allow ourselves to become immersed in the story.

The impact was very powerful indeed. It felt completely different to reading the text in parts, stopping to analyse it. It's as if analysis can interrupt the magic, the flow of the story as a whole and prevent us experiencing rather than just thinking about it.

I liked your final comments about stories providing role models, seeing our own lives through fresh eyes etc. It's as if the story can provide something like a mirror, a sounding board, a challenge and an inspiration for our own story. With best wishes. Nick

John Geraghty

24/5/2012 01:18:16 pm

Nick, thank you for initiating this discussion. I have heard the catch phrase 'What's your story?' being used as a put down. I have heard the phrase being used to address a person who is perceived by another to have done some thing outside of acceptable norms as a demand to explain their behaviour. I have also heard it being used in selection interviews as an open question with the intention of giving the interview candidate an opportunity to talk about oneself. I'd be interested to know if how others have heard this phrase being used.

Nick Wright

24/5/2012 01:23:17 pm

Hi John and thanks for the note. Good question. I too have heard 'what's your story' used colloquially, e.g. by police when demanding an explanation from a person they regard as behaving suspiciously. The interview example is a good contrast. Your comments reminded me how language and meaning make sense within the context of a wider cultural framework, context or story. With best wishes. Nick

Lolo Mofolo

26/5/2012 03:03:11 am

We each have a story, how wonderful that we can be afforded the opportunity to share as truly - they're stronger for the sharing.

Nick Wright

26/5/2012 03:07:23 am

Hi Lolo. Thanks for the note. I was really struck by your comment that 'they're stronger for the sharing.' It leads me to think about how telling my own story, articulating it to another, has a way of consolidating and reinforcing it in my own consciousness. Also, as we share stories together, we build common stories which are, in a way, at the heart of history and culture. With best wishes. Nick

Lolo Mofolo

2/6/2012 07:38:21 am

Even more striking what you say about how telling one's own story reinforces it in one's own conciousness. The best books I've read are the ones whose approach has been like this - as if writing to one's own Self. Many Thanks. x

Nika Quirk MBA PhD

26/5/2012 03:11:27 am

Nick - you asked me for more detail on how I use artful activities. Thought I'd include this link http://tinyurl.com/bnrsbc6 to a recent interview with me where I explain some of this. One of the pictures is of the Leading and Following workshop I did in London in January 2011. Warmest wishes, Nika

Nick Wright

26/5/2012 03:22:48 am

Hi Nika and thanks for sharing the link. I particularly liked the list of questions you posed and, especially the question, 'What brings us together and what separates us?'

I used a similar question in an inter-team coaching conversation yesterday, inspired by a Gestalt groupwork workshop where we spoke to, 'how are we the same and how are we different?'

In the conversation yesterday, it had a profound impact for these teams in conflict where (a) perspectives had become polarised and (b) focus was almost entirely on 'how we are different'.

With best wishes. Nick

Michael King

2/6/2012 07:39:26 am

Wow, so many stories to choose from. I think the first book I read and really just stuck with me the rest of my life is Old Yeller. That story launched me into other books like Big Red and ultimately Jack London novels like White Fang and Call of the Wild.

Nick Wright

30/10/2012 07:53:17 am

Hi Michael. Thanks for the note. Have you seen patterns or resonances in your own life with those you discerned in Old Yeller? With best wishes. Nick

Jana Merunkova

2/6/2012 07:40:45 am

Nick, thanks for iniciating of this discusion. My top story was Cinderella. As many girls I saw myself dancing with the prince, being loved by a great man and becoming princess. Today I look back and I can see her destiny in my life. She hoped for being free from her stepmother. We hoped here for political freedom. She had to work hard. Build up the company was also hard work for me... She was loved by the prince and they danced together the hole night. I´m loved by a great man and love him too. We´ve been dancing together almost 13 years. Sometimes the musicians play dynamic passo doble, sometimes romantic walz. That means we´ve been still at the ball :o) That´s life...

Nick Wright

30/10/2012 07:59:10 am

Hi Jana and thanks for your note. I'm fascinated by how you have noticed parallels between your own personal story and that of your wider social and political context. I wonder therefore how far the story, what we notice, what we pay attention to, how we construct it etc. influences what we notice as parallels in our own lives and the world around us. In other words, how far does the story we create from what we read as a child influence the story we create to make sense of what we experience subsequently. I loved your vivid, magical imagery to describe your relationship at the end. With best wishes. Nick

Christopher Luke

6/6/2012 04:18:51 am

Reading Steve Jobs' Stanford University address about joining up the dots in our lives to make sense of our life experience is a profound insight. We believe that we are in control of our lives but in many aspects we are not.

Nick Wright

6/6/2012 04:22:31 am

Hi Christopher and thanks for the comments. I haven't read Steve Job's address but I had some similar thoughts which I wrote up in another short blog: http://www.nick-wright.com/1/post/2011/02/a-constructed-reality.html. I suppose the question of the degree to which we are in control of our lives, of our story, links to wider questions of free will and determinism etc. With best wishes. Nick

Lynda Tongue link

18/7/2012 02:58:59 am

Hi Nick, thanks for point me in the direction of your article, I have been away hence the tardy reply.

I think I said previously I am a qualified organisational Transactional Analyst and I teach TA to trainers, coaches, consultants, managers etc. The TA concept of script is one which I find fascinates and provides deep insights for teams and individuals alike. I too agree with Scott Shaw's final statement of "we become the stories we tell ourselves.

The interesting thing is we form our script at a very young age, based as you say on stories, fairy tales, myths, even television programmes around at the time. The script is more or less in place by the time we are 7 years old - a scary thought for most! - and the rest of the time we are refining it and creating our reality which lines up with the decisions we have made - and those decisions form our script. So we filter away any information that does not fit our script, and only allow information in that says we were right to make that decision! "The world is a scary place" (lots of evidence to be found if you focus on the negative .....) "I m shy (so don't talk to people who then leave you alone .....) etc.

Fanita English, a very respected TA writer talks about "positive" scripts - we have a psychological hunger for structure and the need to create new responses could be too much - so she talks less about script and more about the idea of "improvisation" - being in the here and now, but with a loose framework from which to respond.

The aim of TA is autonomy: being spontaneous, responding to the here and now reality and not being in our script, dancing to an out of date tune which was laid down years ago when our circumstances were different. Some say being script-free is the ultimate goal of TA, but personally I like and prefer Fanita English's view - and continue to aim to dance in the moment!

Great thread, interesting discussion and contributions - thank you.
Lynda

Nick Wright

30/10/2012 08:03:13 am

Hi Lynda and thank you for your helpful comments. I too struggle with the notion of an entirely script free life...it's hard for me to imagine what that would mean in practice...but I like the focus on here and now, the dance metaphor and the sense of freedom, choice etc. that comes with it. I haven't come across Fatina English so will have a look at what she has written. With best wishes. Nick

ielts training link

8/5/2014 11:58:54 pm

nice posts

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