Think back to your early childhood. What was your favourite story? What was the plot? How did it begin, what happened in the middle and how did it end? Which character did you most identify with? Can you see themes and patterns from the story reflected in your own life? Some psychologists believe childhood stories can act as life scripts. It’s as if there is something in a favourite story that resonates with the child’s experience and expectations to date which then becomes formative in how the child experiences and approaches their own life.
It may be a story from a book. It could equally be a story in a song, or perhaps the real story happening around the child, the observations, interpretations and early sense they make of what they notice in people and situations as they experience them. The child subconsciously acts out the script, with the script functioning like a self-fulfilling prophecy. Ask a person, ‘what keeps happening to you?’ and they can often identify and articulate repeating patterns, as if trapped in recurring cycles of experience. ‘I keep falling into the same kind of relationships.’ ‘ ‘No matter what I do, I end up on my own.’ ‘Whatever happens, I always land on my feet.’ ‘I always achieve what I want in the end.’ ‘I often get rescued by others.’ ‘People always betray me.’ I find this hypothesis intriguing. I’m curious about it because I’m interested in the stories we construct retrospectively of our own lives, the way we join dots between what we perceive as significant events or experiences to create our own coherent life story. How far is our life story created by our own expectations? How far do our expectations shape how we experience people, relationships, objects and events? How do our expectations focus or limit what we notice, what we don’t notice and the meanings we attribute? In transactional analysis, coaches and therapists may help a client to surface their life script with a view to evaluate it and, if they wish, to change it in order to experience greater freedom and autonomy as the client approaches the future. I’m not sure its possible or desirable to live a script-free life. It’s often our hopes and expectations that draw us forward, inspire us, energise us with the courage we need to face fresh challenges. Nevertheless, I do like the idea of increasing awareness and choice. So, what’s your story?
61 Comments
Bridget
19/12/2011 01:00:07 pm
This is really thought provoking & profound! I can already think of 1 major script in my life. It's really helpful to focus in on this stuff..& get some therapy!!! If your blogs cause readers to get therapy, do you pay for it?!
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Nick Wright
21/4/2012 09:55:12 am
Thanks Bridget. I'm pleased you were able to identify a script in your own life. I find these ideas and experiences profound too. Your therapy comments made me smile. :) With best wishes. Nick
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19/5/2012 08:03:57 am
Hi again Nick.
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Sorry, for some reason the last few parargraphs have got chopped of; and as I can't really remember all of what was flowing through my rambling mind at the time, I won't attempt to reconstruct them, except to say that:
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Nick Wright
19/5/2012 12:58:24 pm
Thanks Rosie, so much food for thought there. It's interesting to hear how signficant 'story' has been in your own life story. I found myself wondering as I was reading what you shared whether there are resonances between what has happened in your life, the various adventures, discoveries, challenges and desires etc that you have experienced, and what was played out in the stories you heard, read and wrote as a child? Just a thought. With best wishes. Nick
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Nika Quirk MBA PhD
19/5/2012 12:23:47 pm
East of the Sun and West of the Moon. A white bear bargains with a poor father for his youngest daughter who he eventually takes away on his back to live with him. She discovers he's an enchanted prince. Her curiosity has impact and she must be fearless, intelligent and truthful in order to find him and be rejoined. She can only make her way through the support of others and she succeeds. As the youngest in my family I identified with her. Thanks for asking Nick. I hadn't thought of this story in years!
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Nick Wright
19/5/2012 12:31:51 pm
Thanks Nika. I loved the vivid way in which you retold such a dramatic story. Have you noticed resonances between themes and patterns in your childhood story and how your own life has played out since? With best wishes. Nick
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Nika Quirk MBA PhD
20/5/2012 02:39:16 pm
Hi. There's also Archetypes to look into, as children's stories usually feature them. And Jungian approaches like Clarissa Pinkola Estes (Women Who Run With the Wolves) that shine a light into what story we are living out.
Jay Dewey
19/5/2012 12:24:39 pm
I'm interested in following your note here -- interesting stuff. Among other things it signals leadership researchers going beyond researching adults and realizing that that which somehow makes a differences in our lives go much deeper -- and begins much earlier. Please keep me informed of what you find. Have you begun matching up your work with brain research results?
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Nick Wright
19/5/2012 12:36:22 pm
Hi Jay and thanks for the note. I think you raise an interesting point in terms of researching influences on leadership, not just in terms of the 'here and now' (current story) but also on how the 'there and then' (childhood story) is played out in the 'here and now'. I haven't looked further into this area, including into brain research. I would be interested to hear if you have any further insights. With best wishes. Nick
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Grahame Thompson
19/5/2012 12:25:32 pm
My story consists of architypical psychological imagery and is imensely interesting to me until I discover that it's not that interesting to anyone else. After a while I've learned to shut up about my story and listen to other peoples stories. In that way I learn much more about myself as well as about them. I'm led to believe that there are 'stages' to impactful storytelling. Maybe if I used them people would be more interested in mine :)
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Nick Wright
19/5/2012 12:48:06 pm
Hi Grahame and thanks for the note. I felt quite sad when you commented that you had learned to shut up about your own story! How would it be if you were to construct and share your story along the lines you have proposed? I was very interested in your comment that by listening to other people's stories you learn more about yourself as well as about them. That sounded like a profound principle to me. Would you be happy to say more about it? Similar to your 7 steps model of storytelling, I've also heard it said that the most popular and impacting stories typically follow a design similar to that known in Transactional Analysis as the Drama Triangle; that is, they feature a victim, a persecutor and a rescuer. Insofar as that is a common pattern of human experience, I wonder if that's why stories with those dimensions appeal to and resonate with the human psyche. With best wishes. Nick
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My favorite and overriding story, which as you suggest, has been an abiding theme for me is "The Emporer's New Clothes."
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Nick Wright
19/5/2012 02:16:37 pm
Hi Judy and thanks for the note. I think the question you pose in your second paragraph is a really interesting one at philosophical, psychological and experiential levels. I would be interested to hear how would might answer the question too. It seems to me it's possible that it could be both.
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Sonja Rooke
20/5/2012 03:00:24 am
Great thread Nick,
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Nick Wright
20/5/2012 03:15:25 am
Hi Sonja and thank you for such interesting and thought-inspiring comments. :)
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Sonja Rooke
20/5/2012 02:34:51 pm
Hi Nick 21/5/2012 10:02:25 am
"The narratives of the world are numberless" Bartheisan theory would have us believe whilst the Russian Formalists distilled it to 54 , I think.
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Nick Wright
21/5/2012 02:29:31 pm
Hi Tracy and thanks for the comments. I loved your expression, 'I choose crayon, not lead'. It sounds like you experienced some resonances in your own life with themes and the Lucy character in The Lion, the Witch & the Wardrobe? :) With best wishes. Nick
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Scott Shaw
21/5/2012 01:55:00 pm
Good question. I'm reading The Power of Story and have been reflecting on my internal story--what I tell myself to explain life, why I do or do not do things. It has tremendous influence on how we live and work. What tapes are playing in your head? What is true? What story should you be telling yourself?
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Nick Wright
21/5/2012 02:01:06 pm
Hi Scott and thanks for the comments. What you wrote reminded me of another short blog I once scribbed down: http://www.nick-wright.com/1/post/2011/02/a-constructed-reality.html. Let me know what you think? With best wishes. Nick
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Skye Burn
21/5/2012 02:03:05 pm
I grew up in the fifties on a small remote island in Washington State. We were isolated from mainland culture, except through books. Mail came three days a week by boat. No one on the island had a telephone or television. My family had a radio, but it ran off the truck battery which was too heavy to lug into the house except on special occasions. My family lived in a log cabin without electricity or running water. We were poor in monetary terms, but rich in other ways. My mother was a single parent with four children. Every night before we went to bed she read to us in front of the fireplace. I remember many marvelous stories. From a leadership standpoint, Endurance by Ernest Shackleton was the most memorable. Also the final paragraphs in Tale of Two Cities (Dickens) stand out... where he (I don't remember the character's name) said "'Tis a far far better thing I do now than I have every done before..."
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Nick Wright
21/5/2012 02:07:46 pm
Hi Skye. Thanks for sharing such a vivid account of your childhood. Sounds like an amazing and rich experience. Have you noticed resonances between themes or characters that particularly struck you as a child in Endurance or Tale of Two Cities and how your own life has worked out since? With best wishes. Nick
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Skye Burn
22/5/2012 10:36:32 am
Nick, looking back it seems the thing that particularly struck me was the power of a story to transport one into another world where the story lives. I was also struck by the modesty and humanness of the central characters as they were thoroughly tested by events in the stories. Throughout my adult life I have sought to articulate a vision or 'framing story' that has the power to transport humanity into another world. (It seems the current call for a "new story" has this same motivation.) I have also struggled with the desire for recognition while at the same time my personal bearing has strong elements of modesty and humility that keep me from seeking certain kinds of exposure.
Bob Larcher
21/5/2012 02:09:44 pm
My earliest influences were a s a young boy growing up in the late fifties and early sixties in the UK; my childhood reading was comics such as the Hotspur, the Hornet and the Victor, all relating tales of epic battles and heroic deeds – saving the Queens colours at the battle of Isandlwana, the South-Wales Borderers defending Rorke's Drift, the Spartans holding off King Xerxes at the Pass of Thermopylae, the charge of the Light Brigade at Balaclava, Custer at the Little Big Horn to name but a few.
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Nick Wright
21/5/2012 02:16:22 pm
Hi Bob and thanks for the comments. I like the way you have been able to identify a recurring theme throughout the childhood stories, the noble and brave few, holding out against overwhelming odds. I think it's an important point you alluded to, that it's what you heard (or what resonated with you as a child) rather than what was objectively accurate, so to speak. I'm curious about your final comment, 'the pattern was set'. Have you seen any similar patterns outworked in your life to those that struck a chord for you in the childhood stories? With best wishes. Nick
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I loved reading all of these accounts - and the one that struck a code was Rosie Stevens. As a fellow MAMLL my disertaion also was life changing and was "a story' - it even began - "This is my story, it is a story of change. It is a journey of a change agent in change. It is a record of a mediator in conflict. It is a tribute to wholeness and a holistic approach". It went on... "Whenever I start this story it never feels like it is at the beginning. A never ending series of repeat starts. I find myself writing ..'I know I am in the middle but I am not sure where the beginning is'" The writing of this story was a very creative and transformational time for me. So thank you Rosie for the nudge.
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Nick Wright
21/5/2012 04:18:21 pm
Hi Karen and thanks for the note. I loved the expressions you quoted from your dissertation that sound so profound, poetic and paradoxical. Your comments reminded of the deep mysteries of human existence and experience. I liked your reflection on the use of story in mediation and its power in healing. Is there something in mediation that's about co-creating the possibility of a new story too? I remember reading Black Beauty as a child and feeling traumatised by it. For me, it was a story that represented tragedy and loss. I like your reframing of it as a story of hope. With best wishes. Nick
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Hi Nick
Carl Foster
22/5/2012 04:37:56 am
http://www.amazon.co.uk/SELFMADE-Finding-goodness-greatness-yourself/dp/1906954518/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1336907121&sr=8-2
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Nick Wright
22/5/2012 04:41:28 am
Hi Karen. Thanks for the note. I liked your reframing of the Black Beauty story. It reminds me of how subjectively and selectively we read stories...what we notice and don't notice, what themes emerge for us etc are often as much about us as what we read on the page. Your reframing of Sleeping Beauty made me smile. :) With best wishes. Nick
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Bob Larcher
22/5/2012 12:20:52 pm
Nick, In my late teens and early twenties, I was very consciously influenced by people such as Martin Luther King, Bobby Kennedy (more so, strangely, than JFK), Jane Fonda, Ghandi and Steve Biko, individuals who decided to “stand up and be counted” and speak out for something they believed in – all for causes which seemed to me very honourable and noble.
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Nick Wright
22/5/2012 12:27:04 pm
Hi Bob. Sounds like we had similar influences around that time. Mahatma Gandhi and Martin Luther King were big influences on me in my early to late twenties for similar reasons to those that you describe. I remember reading a chapter from MLK per day and saw Gandhi 3 times when it came out at the cinema! Jesus falls into that category for me too. I became a Christian at 21, inspired by Jesus' noble integrity, passion for the underdog and self-sacrifical, mysterious leadership. Thanks for reminding me of those things that are so important to me too. With best wishes. Nick
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Nick Wright
22/5/2012 12:38:13 pm
Hi Skye. Thanks for further thoughts on this topic. I like the notion of story as 'transporting us into another world where the story lives.' It makes me wonder where the stories we create of our own lives transport us (and perhaps others) to. I can certainly see the link between vision and story in the way you explain it. I like the links you have drawn too between those you admired as a child and your own experience or 'story' as an adult. With best wishes. Nick
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Nika Quirk MBA PhD
23/5/2012 12:58:22 pm
Thanks all for this great dialog. There's also something about the details of a personal story that recreate the emotional memory of the event. We can get "stuck" in our stories, reinforcing beliefs about self-identity and limiting our re-imagining of ourselves. I witness this with coaching clients. In my work with individuals and teams, and in my research, I've seen how drawing, poetic forms and movement assist us to learn from and transform outdated stories, and envision a new story to live into. There's power in metaphor and abstraction to do such work.
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Nick Wright
23/5/2012 01:02:01 pm
Hi Nika and thanks for contributing the thread, to this story so to speak. :) I like your comment about how story can recreate the emotional memory of an event. I'm reminded of cognitive behavioural approaches to reworking memories that prove unhelpful, limiting or distressing in the present. I would love to hear more, some examples, of how you have used drawing, poetic forms and movement in practice. With best wishes. Nick
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Scott Shaw
23/5/2012 01:07:22 pm
Hi Nick, your blog was way deeper than I was thinking--but good questions. We generally seem to feel there is one person in there in the midst of all those conflicting ideas and feelings. Maybe sometimes it's helpful to look at our lives sometimes through the lens of our different masks/roles and sometimes through the lens of the whole. When I mentioned story, I was referring, for example, to the story someone tells himself when he works all the time and neglects his family. "I work hard to show I love them, provide for them." "I have no choice." "Everyone has to do this." etc. Vs. (I too am a Christian) work is an opportunity to co-create with God, make a meaningful difference in the lives of coworkers and clients, and live out my God-given potential. Your story reinforces your behavior; it can prevent you from facing hard facts or encourage you to move forward. We become the stories we tell ourselves.
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Nick Wright
23/5/2012 01:13:58 pm
Thanks for the reply, Scott, and for the interesting comments. I can see what you mean about the stories, or the subconscious scripts, that we tell ourselves. Again, I'm reminded of approaches in transactional analysis and cognitive behavioural work that help to surface and examine these scripts. I really like your final statement, 'we become the stories we tell ourselves' and I agree with your view that the stories we tell ourselves reinforce our behaviours - and the stories themselves. Good to hear we have Christian faith in common, and a shared view of co-creation and living our potential. With best wishes. Nick
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Barbara McCulloch
23/5/2012 01:15:50 pm
All of the Moomintroll books by Tove Janson; Little House on the Prairie; The House of 60 Fathers. I remember reading aloud to my class when I first became a teacher and the worst threat you could make was to not read aloud after lunch (they were year 7,8 and 9 students). My own children loved the Harry Potter series and I loved reading them aloud.
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Nick Wright
23/5/2012 01:27:24 pm
Hi Barbara. Thanks for the note. I remember watching Little House on the TV. :) I like your account of reading out loud as a teacher and how hearing stories felt so important for the students too. I'm intrigued by the idea of 'reading out loud' on the felt impact of story. Do you have any further thoughts and insights on this? Also, Who were your favourite characters in your own childhood stories and have you noticed any similarities to them in your own life? With best wishes. Nick
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Deb Siverson
23/5/2012 01:19:43 pm
I don't recall my parents reading to me when i was little and yet I became an avid reader when I was quite young. I read all the Nancy Drew books and then The Little House series. I liked stories of strong heroines, adventure, and achievement. I also realize I read a lot of biographies. Women who accomplished great things. Fantastic post...creates great insight!
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Nick Wright
23/5/2012 01:21:55 pm
Hi Deb and thanks for sharing your favourite childhood stories. Good that you are able to recognise and draw out recurring themes in them. I'm interested...how far have you seen those same themes being outworked in our own life too? With best wishes. Nick
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Deb Siverson
23/5/2012 03:44:27 pm
Nick, I would say that my values are represented in the themes that showed up. And I am a big fan of Joseph Campbell and the Hero's Journey...hummmm?!!
Barbara McCulloch
24/5/2012 12:56:07 pm
I don't actually remember having stories read aloud to me but my mother remembers and so that triggers something in my memory; it's more of a good feeling than anything. When I started teaching, other people were astounded that I would even think of reading aloud to my class, given their age but we read The Lord of the Rings over a year. It engaged the entire class and was one of the few activities that achieved that, so I continued. The kids would come in after lunch, all boisterous and sweaty and congregate on the reading mat for the daily dose of story reading. Soon we accumulated two old couches, some pillows and rugs and it became a habit.When I had my own children, reading stories was one of the best parts of being a parent and now that they are grown up, they talk about their memories of story reading. Interestingly they both always scored incredibly highly on listening and comprehension tests.
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Nick Wright
24/5/2012 01:15:12 pm
Hi Barbara. I loved the graphic images of the class group waiting to be read to. :)
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John Geraghty
24/5/2012 01:18:16 pm
Nick, thank you for initiating this discussion. I have heard the catch phrase 'What's your story?' being used as a put down. I have heard the phrase being used to address a person who is perceived by another to have done some thing outside of acceptable norms as a demand to explain their behaviour. I have also heard it being used in selection interviews as an open question with the intention of giving the interview candidate an opportunity to talk about oneself. I'd be interested to know if how others have heard this phrase being used.
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Nick Wright
24/5/2012 01:23:17 pm
Hi John and thanks for the note. Good question. I too have heard 'what's your story' used colloquially, e.g. by police when demanding an explanation from a person they regard as behaving suspiciously. The interview example is a good contrast. Your comments reminded me how language and meaning make sense within the context of a wider cultural framework, context or story. With best wishes. Nick
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Lolo Mofolo
26/5/2012 03:03:11 am
We each have a story, how wonderful that we can be afforded the opportunity to share as truly - they're stronger for the sharing.
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Nick Wright
26/5/2012 03:07:23 am
Hi Lolo. Thanks for the note. I was really struck by your comment that 'they're stronger for the sharing.' It leads me to think about how telling my own story, articulating it to another, has a way of consolidating and reinforcing it in my own consciousness. Also, as we share stories together, we build common stories which are, in a way, at the heart of history and culture. With best wishes. Nick
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Lolo Mofolo
2/6/2012 07:38:21 am
Even more striking what you say about how telling one's own story reinforces it in one's own conciousness. The best books I've read are the ones whose approach has been like this - as if writing to one's own Self. Many Thanks. x
Nika Quirk MBA PhD
26/5/2012 03:11:27 am
Nick - you asked me for more detail on how I use artful activities. Thought I'd include this link http://tinyurl.com/bnrsbc6 to a recent interview with me where I explain some of this. One of the pictures is of the Leading and Following workshop I did in London in January 2011. Warmest wishes, Nika
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Nick Wright
26/5/2012 03:22:48 am
Hi Nika and thanks for sharing the link. I particularly liked the list of questions you posed and, especially the question, 'What brings us together and what separates us?'
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Michael King
2/6/2012 07:39:26 am
Wow, so many stories to choose from. I think the first book I read and really just stuck with me the rest of my life is Old Yeller. That story launched me into other books like Big Red and ultimately Jack London novels like White Fang and Call of the Wild.
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Nick Wright
30/10/2012 07:53:17 am
Hi Michael. Thanks for the note. Have you seen patterns or resonances in your own life with those you discerned in Old Yeller? With best wishes. Nick
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Jana Merunkova
2/6/2012 07:40:45 am
Nick, thanks for iniciating of this discusion. My top story was Cinderella. As many girls I saw myself dancing with the prince, being loved by a great man and becoming princess. Today I look back and I can see her destiny in my life. She hoped for being free from her stepmother. We hoped here for political freedom. She had to work hard. Build up the company was also hard work for me... She was loved by the prince and they danced together the hole night. I´m loved by a great man and love him too. We´ve been dancing together almost 13 years. Sometimes the musicians play dynamic passo doble, sometimes romantic walz. That means we´ve been still at the ball :o) That´s life...
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Nick Wright
30/10/2012 07:59:10 am
Hi Jana and thanks for your note. I'm fascinated by how you have noticed parallels between your own personal story and that of your wider social and political context. I wonder therefore how far the story, what we notice, what we pay attention to, how we construct it etc. influences what we notice as parallels in our own lives and the world around us. In other words, how far does the story we create from what we read as a child influence the story we create to make sense of what we experience subsequently. I loved your vivid, magical imagery to describe your relationship at the end. With best wishes. Nick
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Christopher Luke
6/6/2012 04:18:51 am
Reading Steve Jobs' Stanford University address about joining up the dots in our lives to make sense of our life experience is a profound insight. We believe that we are in control of our lives but in many aspects we are not.
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Nick Wright
6/6/2012 04:22:31 am
Hi Christopher and thanks for the comments. I haven't read Steve Job's address but I had some similar thoughts which I wrote up in another short blog: http://www.nick-wright.com/1/post/2011/02/a-constructed-reality.html. I suppose the question of the degree to which we are in control of our lives, of our story, links to wider questions of free will and determinism etc. With best wishes. Nick
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18/7/2012 02:58:59 am
Hi Nick, thanks for point me in the direction of your article, I have been away hence the tardy reply.
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Nick Wright
30/10/2012 08:03:13 am
Hi Lynda and thank you for your helpful comments. I too struggle with the notion of an entirely script free life...it's hard for me to imagine what that would mean in practice...but I like the focus on here and now, the dance metaphor and the sense of freedom, choice etc. that comes with it. I haven't come across Fatina English so will have a look at what she has written. With best wishes. Nick
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Nick WrightI'm a psychological coach, trainer and OD consultant. Curious to discover how can I help you? Get in touch! Like what you read? Simply enter your email address below to receive regular blog updates!
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