Words

9/6/2020

‘Words can inspire. Words can destroy. Choose your words well.’ (Peter Economy)

In English, we use an expression, ‘biting my lip’ to describe a moment when we’re yearning to say something, yet choose self-restraint. And there can be good reasons to hold back. Our words could prove hurtful or damaging…or decidedly career-limiting. Yet there are situations in which we should speak up. What if our safety filters auto-override our personal need for congruence; or the needs of a situation where our silence could be taken as tacit agreement or collusion?

What if our fears of the consequences of speaking out, for instance against some grievous injustice, allow the violation to go unchecked? What if we’re simply too shy or polite to speak out for risk of transgressing our own or others’ cultural expectations? Anti-Nazi Martin Niemöller’s words can still haunt us: ‘First they came for X, and I did not speak out because I was not an X’. It’s a silence that can leave our consciences seared and others devoid of support.

Yet we also know the amazing, positive, transformative power of words to spark the imagination, ignite a passion, set us brightly ablaze. Think of first-class orators, of Winston Churchill or Martin Luther King: of words that inspired such great conviction, commitment and courage. Words can reframe, reconstrue, change everything we think and believe is possible. Words can touch us deeply emotionally; instil confidence, engender hope, enable us to receive and convey love.

As a follower of Jesus, I love the mystery of words: ‘In the beginning was the Word, the early word, the first word, the I am who I am word, the with-God word, the was-God word. The without-whom-nothing word, an unheard-of word behind words. World-making word. Speaking the language behind language.’ Words used playfully, creatively, evocatively, provocatively can allow us to grasp and express reality, idea, concept, abstract and experience that lay beyond words.

At times, I have spoken words when I should have stayed silent and stayed silent when I should have spoken. It has felt like dancing on a knife edge; trying to weigh up pros and cons, rights and wrongs, implications and consequences, all in a split second. Sometimes, I have found myself lost for words, or I have used words clumsily or harshly without enough care for others. In seeking too hard to be more considered or diplomatic, my words have felt too weak, cautious or ineffective.

At other times, however, I have seen and felt the dazzling, dynamic influence that life-giving words can have on a person’s whole world, outlook and stance; a team’s relationships; an organisation’s effectiveness; a society’s vision and hope. I have seen how words can change…everything. I try to use words with courage, humility, creativity and love. What part do words play in your life, work and relationships? If we use words well, what becomes possible?

46 Comments

Tara Parker

9/6/2020 09:27:22 pm

Words are powerful resources. They can be harmful or uplifting. They can help us to determine how we value the opinion of others or how we value our own opinion. No matter the words the power they are given comes from within and I believe that God and Jesus recognized that - which is where the power to forgive the misuse of words lives.

This is why communication is so important and what's more? Many messengers forgot that the burden of clarity is on them though that doesn't leave the recipient without some burden or their own. This is why when we find others who understand how we use our words we trust them to help us find the right words or the right way to put them together.

Another wonderful piece, Nick.

Nick Wright

9/6/2020 11:18:33 pm

Thank you, Tara. Yes, as a German social worker friend once said: 'Language is a bridge and a barrier - and both at the same time.' It's one of the reasons why communication can be both wonderful and challenging, especially when relating cross-culturally. I guess that's where the quotation attributed to George Bernard Shaw arose as a great example: 'The British and Americans are two great peoples divided by a common language.' Sometimes when we think we understand, we don't - and yet without realising it. It means, at times, we need to tread carefully, test our assumptions and work hard to reach a shared understanding. I like your reference to God and Jesus. Yes indeed: grace and forgiveness can make all the difference to the spirit of a conversation and relationship.

Maurice Stiller

9/6/2020 09:33:57 pm

No matter what I want to say or who I want to say something to, it should be done with respect and honesty. It is easier to find words to motivate, praise or support than to criticize or discuss, if this is to be done in a worthy setting. I can only try again and again to be a role model for my students with the perfectly true sentence: first think, then talk.
Not letting yourself be carried away by negative emotions is not always easy and sometimes almost impossible. The legendary sentence applies here: talking is silver, silence is gold.
Big words in our fast, impulsive and spontaneous world.

9/6/2020 11:27:08 pm

Hi Maurice and thank you for such an honest and insightful response. Role-modelling communication to students, especially when grounding the spirit of your communication and relationships in values and behaviours such as respect and honesty, can be very powerful and important.

I think you are right that one of the challenges we face now is the speed of communication and how quickly words can be amplified, especially via social media. It means that learning to pause, breathe (and pray) are more important now than ever, especially when our or others' emotions are running high.

Stella Goddard BA (Hons) Registered MBACP (Accred)

10/6/2020 12:02:54 pm

Words play a big part in my life. In my work it is crucial that I listen to and hear the words of my clients. Often people haven't been listened to or have been dismissed and their words crushed as unimportant. When we really listen to what other people are saying and indeed 'not saying' it becomes possible to have meaningful dialogue. It is so important to validate other people's narrative. All people have dignity and intrinsic worth.

I was at a brilliant webinar with # Carolyn Spring of PODS this week on 'Working with Trauma in a time of Trauma.' In it she stressed the importance of seeing people, hearing people and feeling people. I found her words incredibly deep and powerful.

I also love to write reflectively. This began when I was doing my training as a Counsellor and became a wonderful way for me to process my thoughts and feelings. I write on LinkedIn and other places because it is a way of sharing with other people the importance of our mental health and how it is inextricably intertwined with our physical and spiritual health.

10/6/2020 12:20:16 pm

Hi Stella. I found your reflection: 'Often people haven't been listened to or have been dismissed and their words crushed as unimportant' incredibly profound. It demonstrates how words are so much more than simple liguistic tools. There can be an intensely close relationship between our words and who we are so that, if someone dismisses or crushes my words, I can feel existentially dismissed or crushed too.

I think that's one reason why the Bible can call Jesus 'the Word' - the essence of God's being. It sounds like your reflective writing is, again, more than a simple recording device. Expressing yourself in words enables a processing of your thoughts and feelings. It's your words, your experience and your processing. Your words are, in a way, you.

David Oliver link

10/6/2020 02:04:11 pm

I love this piece Nick . And great posts from Stella Tara and Maurice.
Two bits of ancient writing have always inspired me provoked me and given me a waypoint for my words to travel.
' A word fitly spoken, is like apples of gold in a setting of silver'
'Death and life are in the power of the tongue, and those who love it will eat its fruits'

It's not just the fearless speaking of truth to power (necessary) but the more common daily interactions of life where what we say and how we say it really matter. Easy for me to quote but if I score even 5 out of 10 most days I'm prolly doing better than my average -:)

10/6/2020 05:59:40 pm

Thanks David. I like these words of wisdom from The Message: 'Watch the way you talk...Say only what helps, each word a gift.'

Yes, as my mentor says, these things are simple but not always easy!

Ian Henderson

10/6/2020 03:06:23 pm

Spot on Nick. The problem with words is that even with the best intentions, it is incredibly difficult to truly listen to what someone else is saying because of the unconscious biases that we have going on. Ain't communication a wonderful thing!!!!!

10/6/2020 06:05:03 pm

Thanks Ian. Yes, and I guess the converse is also true. Isn't it amazing that, in spite of so many complex phenomena such as unconscious bias etc, we are able to communicate so well - including cross-culturally. Language truly is a wonderful gift.

George Gerald Baldry MBE

11/6/2020 12:14:28 pm

Say what you mean and mean what you say.
If your words are likely to offend, say nothing, but don't lie.

11/6/2020 12:15:15 pm

Hi George. That sounds like wise advice, holding truth and integrity in the same space.

David Cope

11/6/2020 12:30:33 pm

Perhaps the adage 'less is more' is a good starting point?

11/6/2020 12:31:51 pm

Hi David. That has certainly proved to be true in my own coaching practice.

Bob Larcher

11/6/2020 01:06:52 pm

Never criticise the person, stay focused on their ideas and opinions.

11/6/2020 02:53:41 pm

Hi Bob. Yes, that is less likely to evoke a defensive response from the person; depending on how deeply they identify psychologically, emotionally and existentially with their ideas and opinions?

11/6/2020 10:08:32 pm

Yes Nick, but that's their "problem" and as, much as I believe in empathy and understanding, at the end of the day it's a case of "I have nothing against you", but I don't agree with you.

11/6/2020 10:10:55 pm

Hi Bob. Yes, 'I don't agree with you' keeps the focus of the disagreement on the person's idea or opinion, and still leaves the door open for a continued relationship.

11/6/2020 10:35:19 pm

Nick, my favourite scene in the film 12 Angry Men is at the end when juror n° 8 gives jurour n°3 his coat; a very moving scene - after all their disputes and confrontations.

11/6/2020 10:37:42 pm

Aaaah, I saw something similar, in a similar spirit, in 'The Legend of Bruce Lee' recently. Bruce Lee would continually reach out to those who regarded and treated him as an adversary, in order to build friendship and share learning.

Priya Thomas

11/6/2020 02:55:31 pm

Seems interesting!

11/6/2020 02:56:04 pm

Hi Priya. I'm curious. Which aspects interest you most?

Dr. Sarah Stebbins, C.P.C

11/6/2020 03:58:44 pm

This article reinforces what I have believed for years: there is a difference between 'talking', which are all very adept at doing and 'conversing', which requires a high degree of skill that few of us have. This is the reason I am a great believer in and teach the principles of the conversations models found in Susan Scott's work: "Fierce Conversations: Achieving Success at Work and in Life, One Conversation at a Time".

11/6/2020 04:03:38 pm

Hi Sarah. Yes, there is particularly a great deal of difference between talking-as-broadcasting and conversing-as-dialogue. Susan Scott's work is great in this area. On that theme, I like this short piece by Liz Karagianis, based on work by William Isaacs: https://spectrum.mit.edu/winter-2001/the-art-of-dialogue/

Andriy Haydash link

11/6/2020 04:41:04 pm

"In the beginning was the Word, the early word, the first word, the I am who I am word, the with-God word, the was-God word" -
Nice reference to the Bible

11/6/2020 07:58:48 pm

Thanks Andriy. Yes, the words are from a song called, 'Image of the Invisible', inspired by John 1 in the New Testament.

Nina C.

11/6/2020 08:00:42 pm

A trainer should always use positive words, kind words, to build up someone's confidence, our job after all is to develop people.

11/6/2020 08:15:09 pm

Hi Nina. Well said. There are other dimensions too, against that backdrop of positive support: http://www.nick-wright.com/blog/disruptive-influence What do you think?

Caroline Williamson

11/6/2020 08:16:22 pm

Like yourself Nick I have found myself previously caused upset through my chosen words. Basing my language more today on those attending, not to harsh and not too soft, but more in tune with each individual.

11/6/2020 08:18:18 pm

Hi Caroline and thank you for the honesty in your response. Yes, finding language that enables us to communicate in the way we intend and hope for is so important.

11/6/2020 10:15:34 pm

How we deliver the message determines how it lands, and how effectively it sticks.

11/6/2020 10:16:16 pm

Hi Caroline. I would suggest that how we deliver the message influences - rather than determines - how it lands and how effectively it sticks. This is because the receiver will process whatever message we communicate, and however we communicate it, through their own personal and cultural filters. That is something we have no control over. Does that make sense?

11/6/2020 10:16:49 pm

Hi Nick, makes perfect sense... my choice of language and the impact on how the message is received. Internal filters play a huge part in the decoding of any message delivered. Appreciate the nod of reflective thought, thank you 🙊

11/6/2020 10:17:07 pm

Thanks Caroline. You're welcome. :)

E.G. (Ervin) Sebastian - CPC, CSL

11/6/2020 08:20:45 pm

I believe it was Mr. the Great Buddha who said (and I'm probably majorly paraphrasing): "Watch what you are saying, as once you let words out of your mouth, they'll take on a life of their own...."

How many times we don't mean anything - we just talk; or even worse, we mean well but our words are taken the wrong way and we end up in a verbal (or fist) confrontation, and we are puzzled as we know that we meant to give a compliment or thought we were saying something nice...

I know it happened to me way too many times, and now by age 50 (+ a few) I'm finally wiser and listen more and talk less; but it still takes great self-control, and I still slip up once in a while (talking without thinking and hurting someone's feelings, for example).

*** Nick, where do you get your cool images? Do you always get them from the same source?

11/6/2020 08:26:12 pm

Hi Ervin. Yes, wise words indeed. I guess one of the tricky things with language is that we have no control over how another party receives it. We can try to express things care-fully, to attempt to convey our intended meaning, but the other person/party will always see/hear and interpret it through their own personal-cultural filters.

Images - compliments of Google. :)

Mike Normann

11/6/2020 08:28:00 pm

Something that has served me well was the advice, "never punish the learner." In other words, promote their strengths in an effort to have those strengths "pull up" any shortcomings they may have. That said, once the participant/learner has shown mastery of that skill, it's time to pivot to constructive feedback, rather than continued praise.

As this article points out, you have to be conscious of the words you're using, and actually THINK before you speak - consider their style, their path that got them to this point. Using the right words can certainly have a critical impact on not only how they learn, but whether they actually learn at all.

11/6/2020 08:33:25 pm

Hi Mike. Yes, that's a great description of a strengths-based approach. On that theme, you may find this short related piece interesting? http://www.nick-wright.com/blog/flip

I really like your statement, 'using the right words can certainly have a critical impact on not only how the learn, but whether they learn at all.' If our words evoke stress or anxiety for the learner(s), it will impact significantly on their psychological capacity to learn.

CP Rosa Galaz Salazar

18/6/2020 06:31:05 pm

Hello Nick, it is a pleasure to greet you and share my point of view. I think it is not that people strive to be honest and use good language when echoing in the best way, and there are even silences that say more than a thousand words, the true problem is that nowadays due to stress or this contingency it seems that people "hear", but not "listen" and there the true meaning of what you mean is lost, we are struggling with a big problem that is attention deficit.

18/6/2020 06:40:37 pm

Hi Rosa and thank you. Yes, using words well is only a part of the communication and relationship equation. We need to learn to listen and hear too. One of the challenges of social media, for instance, is that there are so many voices clamouring for attention - it can be hard to hear well or to achieve cut-through.

2/7/2020 12:51:19 am

I’m agree also👌

2/7/2020 12:51:51 am

😎

Richard Kemp

19/6/2020 10:47:32 am

Words follow intention, behaviour follows words. So words manifest intention into behaviour. Which words drive the behaviour that matters most to your people?

19/6/2020 11:14:16 am

Hi Richard. Great question. We could also ask how behaviours and actions influence intentions and words. In my experience, all dimensions influence all others.

Vilma L. Ayala

2/7/2020 12:53:49 am

Good reflection!

2/7/2020 12:54:25 am

Thank you, Vilma.

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