Zoom

1/5/2020

How are you finding online leadership, OD, coaching and training? What are the pros and cons and how are you making it work?

Pav Ponnoosami blogged satirically this week that, during the lockdown, ‘The bedroom has become the boardroom’. As we find ourselves staring at each other on screen, we often see a backdrop, a glimpse of a person’s home life, an insight into the person-beyond-the-role. I find myself intrigued by the different things I see-hear that lay behind: books on the shelf; flowers on the desk; photos on the wall; a child that stumbles in unexpectedly, asking for attention. They all add context, meaning.

Yet is an online relationship a real relationship? I’ve certainly never spent so much time with clients and colleagues on Zoom as I have done during this past few weeks. Is it real? The question itself begs at least two underlying questions: what constitutes an authentic relationship, and what do we mean by real? We could of course apply the same two questions to evaluate encounters and interactions between people in the real world; that is, the world that we think of as real, not just the virtual one.

So, some thoughts. Can an online conversation allow us to know and understand each other better? Yes, although I will know someone better if I see and experience them acting-interacting in a range of different situations and relationships. Can it enable effective task communication? Yes, if both-all parties have access to suitable and stable technologies. Can it enable practical teamwork to achieve a common purpose? Yes, if all have equal access. Can it build friendship or love? What do you think?

30 Comments

Stella Goddard BA (Hons) Registered MBACP (Accred)

1/5/2020 02:37:40 pm

I am laughing at those images - a lot - I needed that - thank you Nick.

Nick Wright

1/5/2020 02:38:35 pm

Thanks Stella. That’s good to hear. 😀

1/5/2020 06:27:48 pm

Thought provoking article as ever Nick. I find myself thinking about relationships on LinkedIn and whether they are real. I guess they have some reality depending on the way that people are communicating with one another. We may get a sense of what people are like always filtered through our personal perspectives. This could be right or not. Of course LinkedIn being a professional platform we are particularly aware of how we express ourselves.

1/5/2020 06:31:58 pm

Thanks Stella. I think conscious and subconscious filtering goes on anyway, whether online or literally face to face. Social media raises all kinds of interesting opportunities and challenges - how to be authentic whilst recognising that every platform and participant group has its own purpose, cultural norms etc. I guess that's true in 'real life' too.

1/5/2020 07:24:44 pm

Nick, l concur with your thoughts.So how do we decide if a relationship on LinkedIn or other social media is real.

1/5/2020 07:25:33 pm

Thanks Stella. I think that circles back to the questions I posed in the blog...!

Ian Henderson

1/5/2020 02:39:28 pm

Things are getting weird!!!!! So, Pot Noodles come in Regular and King Size but both have the same sized sachet of sauce. So, I was thinking, am I getting too much sauce with my Regular Pot Noodle or too little sauce with my King Size Pot Noodle? It is worrying me!

1/5/2020 02:40:29 pm

Hi Ian. That sounds like a severe case of cabin fever. Call your GP online - quick! 🤪

Pav Ponnoosami

1/5/2020 02:43:25 pm

Great article Nick and thanks for the mention. It’s such an interesting time. My partner now refers to her ‘Zoom face’ which needs to be in situ prior to any online meeting. The challenge of remote social connectivity is bringing out so many different and new values and behaviours. Love the pics!

1/5/2020 02:46:07 pm

Thanks Pav. You're welcome. 'Zoom face' - interesting. My friends laugh that I wear a smart shirt and beach shorts for online meetings. It worked well until the doorbell rang during one meeting and I had to stand up to answer it! Yes, indeed...so many different values and behaviours rising to the surface... Interesting times.

Izavella Gomez Contreras

1/5/2020 07:13:56 pm

Haha.. true story!

1/5/2020 07:14:33 pm

Hi Izavella. Do you mean the photo..?

1/5/2020 07:56:54 pm

Hi Nick, yeah the photo. About relationships, we are social beings so we need that kind of interaction. About work, I love home-office, so it hasn't been that hard for me. But I get everyone is different and from now, home-office is being a struggle for some others. Check this out: https://www.linkedin.com/posts/marketm8_sorry-but-working-from-home-is-overrated-activity-6662047924274499586-OFmM

1/5/2020 08:01:03 pm

Thanks Izavella. One of the questions is whether online interactions are sufficient as high quality relationships. Yes, everyone is different and the relative pros and cons of online are influenced by a range of factors including personality traits and preferences, nature of the role/task, geographical locations, environmental implications etc. Thanks for sharing the article link. Interesting!

Max Timm

1/5/2020 09:12:33 pm

It's a good thing that there are these digital ways to cope with a sudden lockdown so well. School, conferences, meetings and other appointments suddenly also work online. Everything goes on almost normally. Are we missing something? Could the future look like this even after the Corona period?
I hope not! The personal encounter, the real interaction at a distance of 2 m, the spontaneous conversation, the human attention is missing over the course of the weeks and makes the digital meeting only a valuable but only temporary replacement in difficult times.
I look forward to personal encounters, even if the physical closeness, the spontaneous hug, the small gestures when telling them will be long gone.

1/5/2020 09:19:28 pm

Hi Max. Yes, a virtual hug is nothing like a real, physical one! On that point, you reminded me of this short piece that I wrote some time ago now: http://www.nick-wright.com/blog/a-touching-place

Joshua Freedman

2/5/2020 06:52:11 am

I agree re the "glimpse into life" we're getting in meetings now. I like that somehow the false divide between work/life seems to be less present. In terms of real-ness, what I'd suggest: It's more work to create authentic connection via online meeting, but we can.
There's also some freedom from some triggers of social anxiety, and that might allow us to be a bit MORE authentic virtually.

Nick Wtight

2/5/2020 07:03:01 am

Hi Joshua and thank you for such thoughtful reflections.

I heard some similar comments from participants in a couple of workshops I ran on Zoom this week. One person said online enabled them to hide more (e.g. because harder for others to read their body language) whereas another said that it enabled them to be more honest and direct (e.g. because of not having to face the person in the intimacy of ‘real’ life).

Another comment I found interesting was that online can create a more egalitarian feel than ‘normal’, especially for teams that are geographically dispersed. If everyone is dialling in from their own home, that feels different to where some meet together in a room and only those based at a distance dial in.

Interesting times!

Felicity O'Hanlon

2/5/2020 01:04:54 pm

Hi Nick, thought provoking article. Well the working from home protocol (for teachers anyway) includes zooming out of any other room than a bedroom, smart casual dress and no familiar language - that's if you want to be regarded professionally and also for safeguarding of young people.
Of course the differences between computer mediated communication (CMC) and face to face relationships (FtF) is a topic much researched in psychology which my A level students found novel to consider having grown up with the internet. Some research results include :
- the lack of gating (looks, voice, appearance, age etc.) in CMC which can enable connection online which might not happen FtF on in real life (IRL). People can hide behind online avatars, stylised/selected images of themselves. But others who are limited in mobility or isolated for other reasons connect more easily.
- there are reduced cues in CMC, less non-verbal cues so more opportunity for miscommunication or not picking up on how someone is feeling, their posture etc. But it can also mean disinhibition - less accountability for the quality of CMC, maybe being more blunt or less caring, or too much self-exposure.
- while CMC can be disinhibiting and ungated, so in some ways encouraging connection, these virtual relationships can take off quickly but do not build the same level of trust so can end more easily. Are vitual relationships more disposable, less concrete?
The best kind of CMC is for information, staying in touch, where the virtual connection is already backed up by a real life relationship.
In therapy, coaching, etc.
I personally feel the human dynamic FtF can never be replaced and can only exist online temporarily if there is already a concrete contract and relationship in place IRL. But that's just my opinion, there are plenty of examples now of people successfully offering tuition, education and therapy/coaching online. And now with the advance of AI there is even talk of having online therapy robots who look human. But until there is some solid research showing increased benefits, I sense that FtF communication is more authentic and effective. There is something about spending time in someone's presence that is more concrete and tangible. Sorry for the long comment!

3/5/2020 08:19:16 am

Thanks Felicity. Wow - you have certainly given some thought to this issue. Yes, the question of how we present ourselves online (e.g. in your teachers' example) is similar to the question of how (and why) we do that in FtF too.

It sounds like some of the examples that you gave vis a vis CMC could be broader than video meetings/conferencing to include e.g. gaming, social media etc.

I too have experienced success using online media for coaching, action learning, workshops etc. and yet, nevertheless, find something qualitatively very different about being physically present with a person in the same physical place at the same time.

In that sense, for me, CMC isn't necessarily inferior to FtF. It's different. As one friend commented this week, 'I can have great conversations with people online, but you can never replace the feeling and experience of a real-life physical hug!'

Ingrid Hennessey

3/5/2020 11:16:05 pm

Is 'Zoom face' the modern day equivalent of the telephone voice?!

3/5/2020 11:16:53 pm

Hi Ingrid. Definitely, yes! 😃

Neill Hahn

4/5/2020 10:24:44 am

Thought provoking questions, Nick. I too think that the relationships are as real as any other. I wouldn't have heard of you, had my mind provoked or been able to reply to you (interact) if it wasn't for on-line medium. They are limited relationships of course, but then the face to face ones are too. I never even knew my own mother fully.... I found out interesting new facts about who she was when listening to the speeches at her funeral. I feel I know some people I work and meet with better as a result of Zoom style meetings... their homes and concerns about those things are revealed, where we don't bother revealing (rather than intentionally hide) them at in office meetings. I see this as a method of expansion of relationships, adds to existing ones and allows the existence of otherwise non-existent relationships. Meet some people I'd rather not have, but then that happens in face to face also. Those 2 photos you used say it all tho.

4/5/2020 11:45:16 am

Thanks Neill - and thank you for sharing such thoughtful, personal reflections too. I think you summed up well how I see online (and ‘face to face’) relationships: their respective possibilities and pitfalls; many of which they hold in common too.

Hannah

4/5/2020 02:12:07 pm

This is a very interesting topic! I personally believe that friendships and relationships are definitely real even if they are from through a screen! As someone with a lot of anxiety I spend the majority of my time at home and almost all of my friends are people that I’ve met online. I feel that it’s definitely in what you’re able to talk about and share with each other that builds up the relationship and makes it real, not the physicality, as you’re saying the same things that you would say in person! I find that even simply messaging someone can also create such a bond, however that bond definitely feels strengthened when the person and I are able to speak on the phone, not necessarily with a camera on, just voice. Maybe hearing the person validates for us that they are real? To finish though, I would again say that yes, relationships online are definitely real. :) I met my partner online and now we live together, are engaged and have 3 cats!! The power of the Internet!!

4/5/2020 05:58:16 pm

Thanks Hannah - and for sharing so honestly and personally. Yes, online relationships can sometimes feel safer than face-to-face, especially if we struggle with e.g. social anxiety. Some people say it enables them to be more open and honest and, of course, to close down the conversation with the flick of a switch if they feel uncomfortable. It also enables them to meet people from within the relative safety of their own home.

I guess there's a risk there too, that a feeling of safety can lure us into a false sense of security - although that can happen in face-to-face relationships too.

One of the biggest differences, for me, between 'real world' vs 'online' relationships is that, in the 'real world', we see and experience people in a range of different contexts, interactions, relationships etc. By contrast, online can feel very 2-dimensional, even if more than 1 person is involved in the interaction. I agree that hearing a voice can help confirm that the person actually exists(!)

Here's are two thought experiments: 1. How is living with your partner the same/different to when you only knew each other online? 2. Is it possible, do you think, to have a real relationship with a cat online? If not, what's different to a real-world relationship with a cat? There could be clues in there for us as humans too as we grapple with these new forms of media, relationship and communication?

Tara Parker link

4/5/2020 04:37:29 pm

Nick,

What a great way to remind others that not all relationships are created or managed equally. The first rule of relationships is to understand what you want from them as relationships are a give and take contract. This may not seem to be the case but if given a moment to reflect on the relationships around us we may realize that every relationship is a multi-lane road. Not all roads are managed the same way nor do they all go in the same direction. It is up to each individual to recognize where and how the road is paved.

Are our virtual relationships as fulfilling/lacking as we believe? Or are we not gaining from them what we think we wanted?

Another great post, Nick. Always inspiring thoughts and reflection.

Tara

4/5/2020 06:01:44 pm

Thanks Tara. Interesting reflections. Yes, all relationships are different. I'm wondering what the relative similarities and differences are between 'real world' and online - and what fresh opportunities and challenges the lockdown is revealing or creating for us...

Jay Blithe

5/5/2020 06:00:55 pm

I have worked virtually for over 6 years, in a global role. My answer to your question about what relationships are real is:

Real relationships make me feel good when I connect and the conversation results in some new insight, benefit, or action in the world, for at least one person in the conversation.

So for me, its the quality of the dialogue that matters, not the proximity of the people.

Except, of course, when it comes to personal relationships, and then proximity definitely does matter!

5/5/2020 06:01:16 pm

Hi Jay. It sounds like you have a lot of experience in this area. "Its the quality of the dialogue that matters, not the proximity of the people." I like that. On the personal relationships dimension, you may find this short related piece interesting? http://www.nick-wright.com/blog/mind-the-gap. I'd love to hear your thoughts.

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