Challenge

18/2/2023

‘Collusion arises when the coach is only asking questions in a supportive fashion, being non-judgemental and listening, aligning with the other's worldview and failing to challenge or give feedback from a different perspective.' (John Blakey & Ian Day)

In those days, we called it non-managerial supervision. These days, we’d call it coaching. My job involved meeting monthly with individuals who had been long-term unemployed. They were on placement, now, in a diverse range of community-based projects throughout London. The idea was to help participants discover and create the necessary confidence, competence and credibility to get paid employment. Some were supported with college training. All had the opportunity to gain valuable real-work experience.

Sonja was a young black woman, a single parent on placement as a classroom assistant in a local community school. I loved her bright spirit and admired her remarkable resilience in the face of the many life challenges she faced. Every time we met, I would try to affirm and encourage her. I had been unemployed and I knew some of the psychological and emotional difficulties it could cause. My coaching focused on support, hoping it would help her to continue to persevere and, through that, to flourish in her future.

Six months into Sonja’s one-year placement, we reviewed our sessions together: what was working well and what would most improve them as we moved forward. To my great surprise, Sonja challenged me to be more challenging: ‘Most mornings, I arrive at the school late. When I tell you it’s because I’m a single parent and it takes longer than I expect to get my kids ready before work, you accept my reasons and empathise with me. Yet, if I’m to get a job, I need to learn to stop making excuses and to get a grip on my life.’

I felt speechless, and yet this turned out to be a critical turning point in my coaching practice. Ana Karakusevic expresses this well: ‘If you equate listening with being silent, not disrupting the status quo, not interrupting another person’s monologue, not challenging their view of the world ...you’re not ready to be a coach.’ I read resources, including William Glasser’s provocative Reality Therapy, and shifted the balance and orientation of my coaching to offer challenge from a base of support. It transformed everything.

28 Comments

Femi Dacosta

18/2/2023 04:22:14 pm

It's an interesting article Nick. Why were you so reluctant to challenge Sonja in the first place? Would you have been more challenging if she had been a white man?

Nick Wright

18/2/2023 04:26:49 pm

Thank you, Femi - and for posting such an interesting question. I had a background in community development which gave me some awareness of what we would now call 'intersectionality'. Perhaps that awareness moved me to over-emphasise with Sonja in her situation. Sonja helped me to see that over-empathising in that way was neither appropriate to my role or helpful for her development.

Abigay Allen

18/2/2023 04:30:39 pm

Nick, when Sonja asked you to challenge her, what did you do? Did you try to rescue her by doing the challenging that she could and should have done for herself? White saviour syndrome?

18/2/2023 04:36:05 pm

Hi Abigay. Thanks for posing such a thought-provoking challenge. My non-managerial supervision/coaching skills training was based on a non-directive approach. In practice, it meant helping Sonja reflect and act on her own situation, aspirations, needs, solutions etc. This helped me avoid a 'saviour' approach, although I was still working alongside her in a desire to help her improve her own life situation - in whatever ways would have been and felt meaningful for her at that time.

Jia-Xin Zhang

18/2/2023 04:41:01 pm

Nick. Direct challenge is Western culture. In Asian country, can be rude.

18/2/2023 04:47:29 pm

Hi Jia-Xin. Thank you for sharing a very useful cross-cultural insight. Yes, I have had some experience of working with Asian people and in Asian countries. (I have sometimes made big mistakes too). I'm still learning how to work with challenge in Asian cultural contexts. In case of interest, here is a short thought-piece on this theme that I co-wrote with a Chinese colleague: https://www.nick-wright.com/point.html

If you have any further insights to share on this topic, I would love to hear from you!

Alan Foster

18/2/2023 05:10:20 pm

Hi Nick. Sonja wanted to be challenged. What about a person who doesn't want to be challenged? Isn't there a risk you're imposing your agenda onto them, your belief that you should challenge whether they want it or not?

18/2/2023 05:14:27 pm

Hi Alan - and thank you for posing such a great challenge. My sense is that the question of 'how much challenge' is one that the coach would do well to discuss with a client at the contracting stage of their relationship, and at the start of each session as the client's appetite for challenge could shift depend on so many factors in any given moment.

This short related piece may be of interest? https://www.nick-wright.com/blog/power-of-love

Pete Warren

18/2/2023 05:37:56 pm

Great blog article Nick. But where is the limit in challenge before the coach oversteps the mark in the other direction?

18/2/2023 05:43:32 pm

Thank you Pete. That's a very interesting question. I think, firstly, the coach can't know what the person will find challenging, or how challenging, without inviting the person to guide them in this respect. For example, 'How much challenge would you find useful in this session?' Or, 'What's the most challenging question I could ask you now?'

The same question, for instance, could be experienced by two different clients very differently; for one as very challenging, and for the other as not at all challenging. Similarly, the same question could be experienced by a client as more or less challenging on different days, depending on their mental and emotional states on those days.

On this 'how far' theme, this short related piece may be of interest? https://www.nick-wright.com/blog/wrong

Ruth Balfour

18/2/2023 05:46:16 pm

Hey Nick. I think challenge helps us to avoid rescue. It's the client's stuff, the client's situation, the client's issue to resolve.

18/2/2023 05:50:59 pm

Hi Ruth. That's an interesting perspective. Yes, there is always a risk that the coach works too hard in an attempt to resolve the client's issue for them, rather than facilitating the client's own resolving of their own issue.

On the broader theme of 'rescue' in relationships, these short related pieces may be of interest?

https://www.nick-wright.com/blog/rescue
https://www.nick-wright.com/blog/rescue4864842
https://www.nick-wright.com/blog/compassion

Karen Moss

18/2/2023 06:47:48 pm

Thanks for sharing your learning with us Nick. It feels like you take us on a journey with you. I like your honesty. I think I'm guilty of too much support and not enough challenge. It's because I'm worried about how the person might react. It's easier to make them feel good about themselves. What if I challenge them and they get angry?

18/2/2023 06:50:41 pm

Thank you for sharing so honestly too, Karen. In my experience, the contracting stage of a coaching relationship is very important. It's where we seek to create clarity and agreement on how we will work together. This short related piece may be of interest? https://www.nick-wright.com/blog/its-as-simple-as-abc

Khet Xiong

18/2/2023 08:02:18 pm

Hello Nick. I not like challenge. It sound confront. I like hold mirror. Man or woman see. I ask what do see. Gentle.

18/2/2023 08:08:13 pm

Hello Khet. Thank you for sharing such helpful insights. Yes, the word 'challenge' can sound too confrontational for some people and in some cultures. Some people prefer to use words like 'reflect' or 'stretch'. I love your mirror metaphor, and the invitational spirit in which you offer it.

On the theme of gentleness in coaching, you may like this short related piece? https://www.nick-wright.com/blog/power-of-love

Funmi Johnson

18/2/2023 08:48:02 pm

Love this Nick. It was a struggle for me to get comfortable with challenge. The book on Challenging coach was great though.

18/2/2023 08:52:26 pm

Thank you, Funmi. Yes, I guess Blakey & Day's book was written against a backdrop of lots of coaches either avoiding or finding it difficult (or both) to offer challenge..!

Kathrin Hoffmann

18/2/2023 09:39:22 pm

Hi Nick, where is the line between a fair challenge and too much pressure? I find it difficult to find that right balance and I probably always tend to want to ask too little of others. Because too much pressure creates resentment. So when I give my students assignments, I always ask myself whether it's too difficult and they get discouraged, or whether they can solve it with a little effort and then realize how much they can already do and thus feel more confident. So I often give them a selection of tasks to do. So they can choose the challenge themselves, as is the idea at our Montessori school.

18/2/2023 09:55:39 pm

Hi Kathrin and thank you for sharing such interesting personal perspective and experiences from a Montessori school. You have reminded me of Richard Marshall's reflections on optimal 'stretch' (in an organisational goals-setting context) in this short article we co-wrote together:

https://www.nick-wright.com/new-horizons.html

"Motivating goals are those that have an element of stretch or challenge and contain within them the possibility to do something beyond the horizon of what one would have ordinarily thought possible...The real skill in goal-setting involves helping a person to set their own goals, and this is often best achieved through coaching approach. The risk is that when a manager sets goals for a staff member, they can be experienced by that person as imposed (demotivating), under-stretching (boring) or over-stretching (demoralising)."

Liu Liu link

19/2/2023 10:19:57 am

Thank you Nick for the honest article, and thanks for everyone who gave very insightful comments. I read them with great interest.

In my view, the use and interpretation of the word "challenge" might have caused confusion here. To challenge doesn't mean to confront, it's not being aggressive. In coaching context, it is about asking critical questions to envoke awareness of the coaches, or to hold a mirror up to show what they can't see for themselves. In Sonja's case, the question or questions I would have asked might be
- What can you do differently to get to work on time?
- What could happen if you keep turning up to work late?
- How could you prevent this from happening?

The role of the coach is not to empathize with the coachees, but to get them out from where they are stuck and move onwards and upwards.

19/2/2023 09:42:50 pm

Hi Liu Liu. Yes, the intended meaning of 'challenge' in the context of a coaching relationship sometimes gets lost in translation, especially when working cross-culturally. Thank you for posing some helpful sample questions. We could also approach this from an appreciative and solutions-focused frame, for instance:

*On those mornings that you do arrive on time, what are you doing differently?
*If you were to arrive on time more frequently, what would the benefits be?
*What would need to happen, practically, for that to happen?
*What are you willing to do?

Lisa

19/2/2023 11:04:03 pm

Thanks Nick. Very insightful observations for my own supervisory practice. Yet, the barrage of comments disputing or questioning every aspect of your situation shows what a sensitive minefield we tread with other humans - quick to challenge, argue or take offence. Slow to listen, hear and understand. Myself included. Softly softly we must go.

20/2/2023 10:33:07 am

Hi Lisa. Thank you for your affirming feedback - and for sharing such interesting reflections on the responses to this blog!

I welcome the challenges that people pose here, as a way by which I can test and stretch my own thinking and practice. I guess the issue here is that I welcome it. Perhaps posting in a public space like this implies an invitation for a response.

If we present challenge when a person with whom we're working hasn't invited it, or it isn't something we have discussed at contracting phases, there is a risk it could cause hurt, offence, damage or evoke all kinds of defensive routines.

On this theme, you may find this short related piece interesting? https://www.nick-wright.com/blog/power-of-love

Graeme Blore

20/2/2023 09:22:50 am

SO true brother. We truly serve and support when also able to gently guide and explain the expectations of employers in the workplace, & what key elements they’re looking for in their staff. Keep up the great work; I loved the guidance and support I provided to many new arrivals in this area.

20/2/2023 10:35:16 am

Thanks for your warm encouragement, Graeme. Your thoughts on 'guide' and 'explain' reminded me of some thoughts and ideas I attempted to articulate in this short article on mentoring: https://www.nick-wright.com/walk-with-me.html

Haven

20/2/2023 11:49:30 pm

In the circle of my life the greatest challenge that God unveil each day is to be grateful inspire of countless struggles along the way. To be able to LOVE,SUPPORT AND SERVE the lost least and the last or the DDU'S in the society and community where I belong. It's like taking vitamins to continue to be alive. To Love & serve with joy and in secret is a refreshing challenge. In loving the unlovable in our workplace wherever we are is the most difficult to accept among God's commandment to love our enemies. Also Jesus said "unless you become a little child you cannot enter into the kingdom of God." I pray all the people in this planet earth be like a child that others maybe free from sufferings of the nonsense war and starvation of the soul as well. I'm also praying for your blogs, that will become a universal trail of hope,peace and love. I knew it's your greatest mission and vision since you became a Christian. It's challenging because your country is becoming bias to Christianity. Yet I always look back that UK is one of the Icon of democracy which our former heroes like Jose Rizal etc. find refuge. May we continue to seek God's ways to take every challenges lightly with peace. 🙃🙃🙃

22/2/2023 11:52:37 am

Hi Haven and thank you for sharing deep insights from a very different perspective and experience base. I think you articulated well some of the spiritual and existential challenges we face in this world, and the solutions to those challenges which can, at times, present their own stretching challenges too!

Challenge

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