NICK WRIGHT
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No show

6/2/2023

20 Comments

 
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​You arrange to meet with a colleague and, on the afternoon of the appointment, she neither turns up nor cancels it. It can feel disappointing or frustrating, especially if you had spent ages preparing for it, or had rescheduled other things to make room for her in your diary. There may be, of course, all kinds of extenuating circumstances that had prevented her from arriving or letting you know. We could imagine, for instance, that her car had broken down on route, or that she had got stuck in traffic in an area with no mobile phone signal. She might have been held up in another meeting that overran and from which, for whatever reason, she had felt unable to excuse herself.

Feelings of hurt or resentment can arise, however, if we allow ourselves to infer deeper meaning and significance from the no show. This can be especially so if it forms part of a wider and repeated pattern of experiences. Could it be, for instance, that her unexpected absence (again) is revealing a subtle and subliminal message such as, ‘Spending time on A is more important to me than spending time with you on B.’ Or, beneath that, ‘I believe my work on A is more important than your work on B’. Or deeper and worse still, perhaps, ‘I’m more important than you.’ The latter could well leave us feeling devalued and disrespected and, if unresolved, damage the relationship itself.

I worked with one leader, Mike, who modelled remarkable countercultural behaviour in this respect. If Mike were in a meeting that looked like it may need to overrun, he would: (a) pause the meeting briefly (irrespective of how ‘senior’ or ‘important’ the person was whom he was with); (b) speak with whomever he was due to meet with next (irrespective of how ‘junior’ or ‘unimportant’ that person was); (c) check if it would be OK with them to start their meeting later or, if needed, to defer it; and (d) take personal responsibility to resolve any implications that may arise from that rescheduling. Needless to say, Mike’s integrity and respect earned him huge loyalty, admiration and trust.

When have you seen great models of personal leadership? How do you deal with a no show?
20 Comments
Julia Adler
6/2/2023 08:58:02 pm

Hallo Nick! Eine Freundin möchte mich manchmal treffen und zu 80% sagt sie direkt vorher: „Entschuldigung, ichvsage unser Treffen ab. Ich bin zu müde, ich habe Kopfschmerzen, ,......“ Und dann sagt sie: „ Danke, dass ich das immer ehrlich sagen darf und du nie böse bist." Schön, dass sie das sagt, aber bei jedem anstehenden Termin denke ich, der findet sowieso nicht statt. Und ich lerne, dass ich meine ausgemachten Termine einhalte.

Reply
Nick Wright
6/2/2023 10:44:33 pm

Hallo Julia und vielen Dank für das Teilen dieses ehrlichen Beispiels aus persönlicher Erfahrung. Ich kann mir vorstellen, dass es deine Erwartungen und deine Beziehung beeinflusst. Es klingt nicht einfach!

Reply
Nigel Sanders
6/2/2023 10:53:35 pm

Thanks for sharing Nick. I wish there were more leaders like Mike. Where I work, managers routinely cancel meetings if something else comes up and expect everyone else to rearrange their work. It's so disrespectful. I get it that sometimes other things come up, but at least they could help fix the problems it creates for other people.

Reply
Nick Wright
6/2/2023 11:00:05 pm

Hi Nigel. Yes, in my experience, Mike was exceptional. He was a great role model for me and I've tried to follow his example as well as I can since. I too have worked in organisations where similar patterns of behaviour were evident. In one such organisation, I challenged the leaders to take greater personal ownership and responsibility of the implications of their decisions for others.

They did so, e.g. 'I'm sorry that I can't now meet when we had planned. I will rearrange to a time that suits you best. Let me know if there's anything I can do to help address any issues this may create for you'; or 'I can't now attend our meeting. However, I will ensure that a suitable person can stand in for me and I'll make sure they are well briefed beforehand. Would that be OK?'

The impact on organisational culture was transformational.

Reply
Alison Webster
6/2/2023 11:03:59 pm

That's so true Nick about underlying meanings. On the surface, it's just a behaviour. Behind the behaviour itself are the person's values. As an NHS manager, I sometimes have to cancel meetings at short notice. There's no way around it. I always try to make sure there's adequate cover and to rearrange to a time that suits other people.

Reply
Nick Wright
6/2/2023 11:07:25 pm

Hi Alison. Yes, indeed. There will be times where we have to change what we had planned and agreed to do. I guess the issue isn't about the changes per se, but the way in which we conduct ourselves in the face of such changes. It's great that you try to take the needs and preferences of other people into account.

Reply
Hans Vogel
6/2/2023 11:29:22 pm

You are too sensitive. People need to stop to be so sensitive at work. If I cancel a meeting, why must I apologise?

Reply
Nick Wright
7/2/2023 10:26:00 am

Hi Hans. That's an interesting challenge. On the first point, what we infer from a no show is likely to influence how we feel and respond to it. There is a risk that we may become 'oversensitive' if, for instance, it taps into pain or anxiety from previous life-work experiences. The past acts as a filter for the present. On the second point, a different framing could be something like: How can I best demonstrate integrity and respect if, for whatever reason, I am unable to make it to an appointment?

Reply
Janet Marshall
7/2/2023 10:29:22 am

Wow Nick. You've helped me understand why I get so stressed out! I followed your "infer" link. I need to practice that 3 Hypotheses Technique!!

Reply
Nick Wright
7/2/2023 11:03:57 am

Thank you, Janet. Yes, I too find that technique helpful - especially if I notice my imagine heading onto overdrive..!

Reply
Amy Paul
7/2/2023 10:55:57 am

Soooooooooo true, Nick! Somebody does something and I get all wound up about it. Sometimes they deserve it. Sometimes I've jumped to conclusions. I need to learn to breathe or sleep on it before lashing out. :(

Reply
Nick Wright
7/2/2023 11:02:07 am

Thanks Amy, I love the honesty in your response! Sometimes, it can be useful to pause...then (importantly) step back and do something that we find relaxing...then - afterwards - ask 'What am I assuming?' before choosing a response. A couple of short related pieces may be of interest?

https://www.nick-wright.com/blog/catharsis
https://www.nick-wright.com/blog/bmw-moments

Reply
David Barker
7/2/2023 12:51:04 pm

Hi Nick. I want to hear more about Mike. He sounds like a model of servant leadership. We hear that phrase banded around a lot but it's rare to see in practice. What do you think influenced Mike to be like that?

Reply
Nick Wright
7/2/2023 12:58:33 pm

Hi David. It's a good question. After working with Mike for a few years, I moved into a challenging role in a different organisation. I remember having a photo of Mike on my desk to inspire and remind me whenever I felt pressured, stressed or perplexed: 'What would Mike do in this situation?' A true role model.

Mike is a passionate follower of Jesus. He would say his values and behaviour are grounded in his faith and beliefs. They certainly reflect Jesus. In case of interest, I've shared glimpses of Mike in some other short pieces too:

https://www.nick-wright.com/blog/something-beautiful
https://www.nick-wright.com/blog/heroes
https://www.nick-wright.com/blog/perfect

Reply
John Edwards
7/2/2023 01:01:11 pm

Hello Nick. Do you think there's a risk that, if we go too far in analysing our own psychological beliefs (e.g inferences in your blog), we let the other person off the hook when, really, they should be challenged on their unacceptable behaviour?

Reply
Nick Wright
7/2/2023 01:12:13 pm

Hi John. I think that's a good and important question. It reminded me of a personal experience - many years ago now - whilst studying on a course in Supervision & Consultation. Everyone apart from me in the group was a psychotherapist or counsellor. I was a community development worker. During a skills practice session, someone talked about a woman who was drowning under debt. My peers posed questions about how she was feeling and how to deal with those feelings. I, by contrast, was more interested in her circumstances, what was contributing to them and how to enable her to change them.

That experience prompted me to write 3 articles - albeit from a Christian perspective - to help make sense of this inter-relationship between intrapersonal and broader contextual dimensions of experience. If we only look inwards, we risk missing or failing to address and exercise agency in e.g. those relationships where one or more parties is, say, negligent, inappropriate or oppressive. On the other hand, if we only focus outwardly, we may miss important opportunities for personal awareness, healing and growth.

In case of interest, here are links to the articles:

https://www.nick-wright.com/the-great-divide.html
https://www.nick-wright.com/bridging-the-gap.html
https://www.nick-wright.com/dialectics-in-supervision.html

Reply
Adrienne Lavigne
7/2/2023 04:07:18 pm

Hey Nick. J'aime ce Mike. Pouvez-vous l'envoyer en France ?!

Reply
Nick Wright
7/2/2023 04:09:25 pm

Salut Adrienne. Oui, il est génial. En fait, il a beaucoup travaillé en France! :)

Reply
Graeme Blore
8/2/2023 12:09:08 pm

Love it!

Reply
Nick Wright
8/2/2023 12:09:42 pm

Thanks Graeme! 😃

Reply



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    ​Nick Wright

    ​I'm a psychological coach, trainer and OD consultant. Curious to discover how can I help you? ​Get in touch!

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