Silence

3/3/2023

'Silence is argument carried on by other means.' (Che Guevara)

The silence of a silent retreat has always appealed to me. Spending time in solitude, alone with God and away from all distractions. What’s not to like? Breathe. Detox. Relax. This week, an unexpected opportunity emerged in my diary so I decided to give it a try – 5 days of uninterrupted…silence. I booked a room, aptly named the ‘Hideaway’, at a Christian retreat centre, deep in the North East of England countryside.

The first thing that struck me was the warmth and kindness of the Manager, Mark, and the Assistant Manager, Helen. They gave me lifts to and from a nearby train station and left a welcome card in my room. It had a hand-written note; assurance of their prayers for me throughout my stay. I used the card to create a makeshift paper cross, having forgotten my own wooden one in a rush to pack my travel bag.

Armed with inspirational books and reflective meditations, I stepped into the…silence. I especially wanted to spend time not-thinking, with a desire simply to listen to God. Yet it turned out that that time alone with myself was the hardest part. Noise in my head with so many disjointed thoughts clamouring for attention, painful anxieties in my heart and chronic aches in my body, all shattered the peace and quiet.

Rather than resting peacefully in God, I often found myself wrestling, like Jacob, with God. I felt like I wanted, and needed, to fight. Sometimes, I cried with hurt, frustration and despair. At other times, I felt lifted out of myself, filled with calmness, clarity and light. As I was leaving, the cleaner, Jo, entered my room. 'I love my job', she said, 'making guests’ rooms clean and beautiful as a special place for an encounter with God.'

An encounter with God. It can feel like C.S. Lewis’ Aslan: ‘He isn’t safe, but he is good.’

26 Comments

Chris Lever

3/3/2023 06:06:17 pm

Hi Nick. Sounds a special and healing time.

I have been thinking about silence too.

Was introduced to the cover version of Disturbed singing Sound of Silence recently. Most watched music video of all time. Masterpiece of vocal, visual and orchestrated genius.

It has taken Paul Simon’s incredible prophetic words and translated them in an incredible way. So relevant to a world that has lost its way.

In this case silence is a symptom of a disconnected world worshipping the gods we have made. It’s a prophetic warning to us all. But what you describe sounds like the flip side of discovering truth.

I guess silence takes many forms.

Nick Wright

3/3/2023 06:09:41 pm

Thank you, Chris. Yes, a good friend introduced me to that same song and video a couple of years ago now. I love how paradoxical the words and sounds-video are in the Disturbed version and how, for me, that makes it all the more powerful.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u9Dg-g7t2l4

'I guess silence takes many forms'. Profound - as always!

Patricia Wellman

3/3/2023 06:16:55 pm

Hi Nick, when I come home after a day's work, I love the stillness around me. That's exactly how it is when I'm balanced inside. I like and need the silence there too. On the other hand, knowing that I won't have anything to do for a few days makes me uneasy. Sometimes the silence is too much for me. Especially when I'm not feeling well inside. So I can understand you very well, Nick. Especially when I'm not feeling well and don't understand God's ways or the behavior of others, that's what my mind is all about and I cry my sorrow to God. I know that I'm allowed to do this and that I won't lose my faith by doing so. It doesn't mean my problems will be solved, but I've been able to share them. Which sometimes just doesn't work with other people.

3/3/2023 06:54:00 pm

Hi Patricia. Thank you for sharing so personally and so honestly. I can very much relate to the experiences you describe here. As a person with an introverted preference, I need peace and quiet to relax, process and recharge. In those moments, any sound disturbance (e.g. TV noise; neighbour's dog barking) can feel both draining and irritating.

Nevertheless, too much time alone and in silence can leave me over-thinking, and not always in the most constructive ways. That's where I find writing, or interacting with other people socially or through work, healthy as a way of avoiding loneliness or 'cabin fever'. This week, I wanted to hold myself in God's presence, no matter how hard or difficult it felt.

3/3/2023 07:40:35 pm

Hi Nick! Exactly! I know that there will be situations again where I don't feel good. I can't stop these times, I can only endure them and I'm therefore glad that I deal with many people in my work and that the silence and my unease are broken. After these times I will be so mentally exhausted that I will need a lot of stillness.

3/3/2023 07:56:30 pm

Yes, our lives and experiences ebb and flow, and sometimes with great intensity. I guess it's partly about learning to pay attention to the deeper question, 'What do I need?', and then (where possible) acting on whatever the answer may be for us in that moment.

Tim Pilkington

3/3/2023 06:29:17 pm

Love the honesty Nick. My first retreat was for 2 days. After just 1 hour of walking prayerfully around the grounds and feeling very pleased with myself, I felt an immense struggle start within, which persisted on and off throughout the retreat. I kept yearning to turn on my cell phone, or listen to music in my car. Anything to fill and distract myself from the silence which got louder and louder as time went on until it became deafening. 2 days felt like 2 months. I had to confront myself, and God, and it was agonisingly worth it.

3/3/2023 07:00:07 pm

Thank you, Tim. I love your honesty too! :)

You made me smile as I remembered back to a time, some years ago now, when a good friend and I decided to sit in candlelit, prayerful silence every Wednesday evening for 1 hour. Sometimes, the time flew by and it felt like a struggle to leave at the end. At other times, I remember looking at my watch every 5 minutes with that 'Are we there yet?' feeling.

'The silence got louder and louder as time went on until it became deafening ..I had to confront myself, and God, and it was agonisingly worth it.' That expresses beautifully my own experience this week too.

Elise Van Vessem

3/3/2023 06:42:41 pm

Hugs and love 💕🤗

3/3/2023 06:43:48 pm

Thank you, Elise. 🙏

3/3/2023 07:05:14 pm

You are incredibly brave going on that retreat at a time that you were feeling fragile. Kudos! 🤗💜

3/3/2023 07:06:09 pm

Thanks Elise. I didn't feel brave. I did feel that I needed to do it.

Armanhi

3/3/2023 08:46:36 pm

Hi Nick.
I am happy you had a silent and peaceful there🙏✝️.
As always such a wow image👌.
The image you choose, tell us the story that you have there as well!

3/3/2023 10:21:51 pm

Thank you, Armanhi. Yes, I took the photo in my room. It's of the cross I made from the card that I mention in the blog. The room was yellow which felt like a gift from God too - it has been my favourite colour since childhood. :)

Denise Henderson

4/3/2023 06:48:14 am

You sound vulnerable Nick. Thank you for sharing a side of you that we don’t normally see.

4/3/2023 10:11:55 am

Thank you, Denise. I try to be authentic. 🙏

Alex

4/3/2023 07:29:00 am

Thanks for your honesty Nick
Before a major job and life change a few years ago I too tried a silent retreat, at a lovely Benedictine monastery we’d been to many times before. It turned out to be a bad idea going with others! And at one point like truant school kids we went for a walk together and talked and talked! But I related to what you said about the disjointed thoughts and clammering voices in your head. That describes most of my prayer life! But it makes me a bit nervous even thinking about what might happen if I turned away from them, allowed the silence in, and looked to God, face to face!
Thanks again Nick

4/3/2023 10:25:19 am

Thank you, Alex. I love your honesty too - and you made me smile with your 'truant school kids' account. :)

I can relate so well to everything you described! My mind just drifted back for a moment to when, in my much-younger days, I spent a few months hitch-hiking alone throughout Europe and to the Middle East. Travelling alone meant I had so many amazing encounters and experiences that I don't believe I would have had if I had been travelling with someone else. There's something about solitude that creates, sometimes forces, a different quality of encounter and experience.

Your final comment reminded me of Richard Rohr's reflection: 'God's face is turned towards us absolutely...it is we who have to learn, little by little, to return the gaze.' Sounds simple...but not always easy.

4/3/2023 06:31:55 pm

Thanks Nick
The Richard Rohr quote rings very true

4/3/2023 07:09:26 pm

You’re welcome, Alex - yes, with me too. 🙏

Jasmin

6/3/2023 03:55:49 am

I pray you felt God's deep love and healing. What a word WRESTLE with God. I hope when you wrestle with him you felt his comforting hugs, his overflowing strength and his depth assurance that he will be with you always and in always. I felt relieved that in your solitude,you encountered physical people who expressed their hospitality from the ❤. May the cross that you made will become a vivid manifestation that JESUS is always available 24/7 that he doesn't rest and never give up on us until we deeply see him through in every edges of life. May his soothing light descend upon you to continue to be meek and be a witness of his countless gifts and preach his steadfast truth that he is the Alpha and Omega, that whoever believes and trust him will have everlasting life and will transfigure each one of us into a person he chose us to be. Praise God and thank You Jesus for the wisdom from the Holy Spirit to enhance Coach Nick spirituality as he continue to wait with patience and pray until you comes back. 😍

6/3/2023 01:34:04 pm

Hi Jasmin. Thank you for sharing such inspiring and heart-warming insights and prayers. I will continue to reflect on them!

Rosangela Muller

6/3/2023 02:35:38 pm

Hi Nick, We live such busy lives, so I can image how hard it might be to disconnect but also, I can see the benefits when you achieve that.

Thank you so much for sharing – it was very interesting reading your experience.

6/3/2023 03:15:27 pm

Hi Rosangela. Yes, indeed. I had to positively choose to do the retreat in the midst of so many other demands that could easily have filled my time that week. It something about prioritising the optimal space that we need. I'm glad I did it!

Coleen

7/3/2023 10:42:27 pm

Finally got around to reading your blog. Very interesting.I
must say I often have times of silence in my flat. When I
wake up early and there is no sound around just quietness. It’s a good time to spend with the Lord. I just have to also resist picking up my phone!! I do however over think things which is not good. Some days I have an amazing time of praise and worship singing in the spirit when I just don’t
want to stop but time dictates.Bless you Nick.

10/3/2023 11:29:40 pm

Thank you, Coleen. Yes, I love those times of quietness too (especially when the neighbour's dog isn't barking) to spend time with God in silence. I, too, need to discipline myself to avoid touching my phone(!)

Silence

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