Toxic positivity

11/3/2023

‘When you wish upon a falling star, your dreams can come true. Unless it’s a meteorite hurtling to the earth which will destroy all life. Then you’re pretty much hosed no matter what you wish for. Unless it’s death by meteor.’ (Despair.com Demotivators)

I was surprised to return to my desk and find 6 people waiting in a queue to complain. I’d worked hard on my all-staff presentation and thought I’d handled it well. My task had been to present the results of an annual staff survey: the good, the bad and the ugly. I’d attempted to present a view that, even in those areas where scores were low, such scores represented implicit positive hopes and aspirations. If, for instance, someone had given a low score for quality of management, it was because good management matters to them, even if their desires and expectations were unmet.

My agitated colleagues saw it differently. They felt as if I had spun the results, put a positive spin on the ugly, with a result that those staff who had already been angry, frustrated and disappointed now felt even more strongly that their voices were ignored, dismissed and unheard. Still taken aback, I tried to defend myself, arguing that it wasn’t spin but a matter of perspective. They weren’t having it, and they pushed back even harder than before. I was left reeling and confused. In my mind, I had presented the survey results with integrity. I couldn’t understand their hurt and angry responses.

This was some years ago and I remember vividly, some days later, driving into work when a penny dropped suddenly. It occurred to me that, when a person describes a glass as half-empty, it’s not simply a matter of perspective but one of sentiment and emotional experience too. By presenting a glass as half-full, I had inadvertently failed to acknowledge and represent an authentic expression of how they were feeling. I returned to my colleagues and shared this somewhat embarrassingly-belated self-revelation – with which they wholeheartedly agreed. They accepted my apology with grace.

26 Comments

Catriona Dejean (FRSA)

11/3/2023 08:01:17 pm

Thanks for sharing, Nick. It is a topic I am reading about a lot at the moment.

Nick Wright

11/3/2023 08:04:39 pm

Thanks Catriona. You're welcome. I first came across the expression 'toxic positivity' at a trauma-informed care workshop last week. I immediately recognised myself in it. I'm on my own learning journey and I'd love to hear any further thoughts you have on this theme?

Anne Coulthard

11/3/2023 08:18:02 pm

Nick - it's about emotional intelligence.

11/3/2023 08:21:14 pm

Hi Anne. Yes, indeed. I believe it's also about empathy and, in Gestalt terms, quality of contact. On that theme, this short piece may be of interest? https://www.nick-wright.com/blog/close-contact

Susanne Schäfer

11/3/2023 08:18:43 pm

Hallo Nick! Verschiedene Perspektiven machen oft Vieles klarer.

11/3/2023 08:24:31 pm

Hallo Susanne. Ja, ich glaube, das ist einer der großen Vorteile von Vielfalt – wenn wir uns öffnen können, von anderen zu lernen, die die Welt anders sehen und erleben.

Jack Raymond

11/3/2023 08:29:18 pm

Well said, Nick. I hate it when people try to force positivity onto me. It meets their own need to be positive more than my need to work through whatever I may be facing.

11/3/2023 08:35:31 pm

Thanks Jack. I can certainly identify with that experience. Yes, sometimes, avoidance of the 'negative' - whether in ourselves or in others - can be a defence against anxiety. You reminded me of this short related piece on the 'Stockdale Paradox': https://www.nick-wright.com/blog/stockdale-paradox

Frank Watson

11/3/2023 08:38:30 pm

A very honest confession Nick. Respect. Don't want to pry online, but do you have a Myers-Briggs thinking preference?

11/3/2023 08:42:49 pm

Hi Frank. That's an interesting question. Yes, my MBTI preference is likely to influence what I may naturally and instinctively notice and pay attention to.

On that theme, this short related piece - inspired by MBTI specialist Richard Marshall, may be of interest: https://www.nick-wright.com/blog/personal-preference-and-change

Stephanie Long

11/3/2023 08:47:12 pm

Hi Nick. Thanks for sharing a fascinating case study. I like your honesty in this. What's the relationship between toxic positivity and resilience, do you think?

11/3/2023 08:58:05 pm

Hi Stephanie and thanks for your encouraging feedback. Great question. My sense would be that toxic positivity is, at times, an outward expression of an inner lack of resilience. In other words, toxic positivity can be a personal and-or cultural defence-against-anxiety; rather than a dealing-with-anxiety.

On the theme of resilience, these short related pieces may be of interest?

https://www.nick-wright.com/blog/resilience
https://www.nick-wright.com/blog/resilient

Toxic positivity can also undermine another person or group's resilience; firstly by leaving that person or group feeling unheard, unacknowledged and relationally-isolated; and secondly by trying to prevent them effectively facing and working through whatever challenges they may be facing.

In a broader cultural and political sense, toxic positivity can seek to influence a person or group to ignore e.g. injustice or oppression by ignoring or minimising it and its effects. Insofar as that person or group introjects toxic positivity, their resilience could be weakened or undermined.

Colin Fraser

11/3/2023 09:02:08 pm

Hello Nick, everything isn't always good and I can't always think positively either. I don't understand some decisions and can't see them positively. Maybe not yet, maybe never.

12/3/2023 12:42:22 pm

Hi Colin. Thanks for such an honest response. Yes, a forced 'positivity' can feel insensitive and inauthentic. Outside of Hollywood, not every story has a happy ending.

You reminded me of some of the tensions between, say, Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) and Acceptance Commitment Therapy (ACT). Proponents of the former may advocate changing our thinking in order to feel more positive. Proponents of the latter may advocate accepting our thoughts and feelings, rather than trying to change them.

Ian White

11/3/2023 09:12:42 pm

LOVE Despair.com, Nick. Great antidote to Toxic Positivity!! :)

11/3/2023 09:14:15 pm

Hi Ian. Yes - me too. Great use of satire! :)

Hans Vogel

12/3/2023 01:16:30 pm

Make up your mind Nick Wright. In some of your blogs, you tell us that positive reframing is helpful. Now you say it doesn't.

12/3/2023 01:23:59 pm

Hi Hans. Yes, indeed - reframing can prove transformational. The issue here was that I had tried reframing others' feedback and experience without having first acknowledged how hard their reality was and felt for them.

On the theme of reframing, these short related pieces may be of interest?

https://www.nick-wright.com/blog/framed
https://www.nick-wright.com/blog/human1197208
https://www.nick-wright.com/blog/possibility

Traci Tournoux

12/3/2023 01:27:11 pm

It's not wrong to be positive with people. Sometimes it helps to lift their spirits. If a person thinks positively, good things will happen in their life. Positivity attracts positivity.

12/3/2023 01:31:26 pm

Hi Traci. Yes, I agree. You may be interested in this short BBC video on this theme: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=liyXmIQOTLs

12/3/2023 01:34:15 pm

Thank you Nick. That video looks interesting to me. So why do you say positive is toxic?

12/3/2023 01:39:07 pm

Hi Traci. You're welcome - and thank you for posing that helpful clarifying question. Positivity isn't toxic per se (I'm a great believer in positive psychology). However, if our desire to be 'positive' at all times and in all circumstances denies, blinds us to or suppresses authentic emotional experience in ourselves or others, it can be damaging. You may be interested to have a glance at my responses to Stephanie (above)?

Elise

12/3/2023 05:23:03 pm

I’m sorry that you were accused of ‘spin’. I’m sure that it affected you deeply. You were absolutely correct in that it was a matter of perspective. Perhaps these people expected the exercise to be a convenient solution to address their grievances (and possibly even have their manager sacked or disciplined. Unfortunately for you, I think much of the anger/resentment that was projected onto you was due to their inability to take responsibility for their own selves or actions (or lack thereof). The ‘bad management’ that they wanted to address was not your responsibility. They should have made formal complaints but chose not to. As the amazing Judge Judy would say, if you don’t like the house or you can’t stand the neighbours, then move!!

12/3/2023 07:28:11 pm

Thank you for a sympathetic response, Elise. To be honest, I was more bemused by the strength of their reaction and, at first, that they couldn't see my point of view. It was only afterwards that I realised they weren't reacting to what I had said, so much as to what I had left unsaid that had mattered so much to them. Martin Luther King once said: 'Violence is the voice of the unheard.' I guess, in this case, they were pushing back against a positive portrayal of an experience that felt overwhelmingly negative for them.

Jan Vlček

12/3/2023 07:33:40 pm

Hello Nick. I not like toxic positivity because it try to deny human feeling. Only a sadist force someone smile when they hurting. Toxic positivity ignore human, focus on pushing position.

12/3/2023 07:34:59 pm

Hi Jan. Well said. This short related piece may resonate too?
https://www.nick-wright.com/blog/platitude