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Off the hook

3/4/2022

10 Comments

 

'To err is human. To blame it on someone else shows great management potential.'

That made me laugh! It’s a fun variation of Hubert H. Humprey’s, ‘To err is human. To blame someone else is politics.’ But wow – how easy it is to deflect and project our own faults and failures outwards onto others. We see it happen all over the place, from interpersonal relationships to international relations. It’s a way of defending ourselves; of trying to avoid or escape the costs of responsibility; of promoting ourselves; of appearing innocent or superior. It’s about helping us to feel good about ourselves and-or wanting someone else to feel good about us.

It's quite tricky if we don’t know we’re doing it – and it can lead to potential high-risk consequences. ‘Self-deception is like this. It blinds us to the true causes of problems, and once we’re blind, all the solutions we can think of will actually make matters worse.’ (Arbinger Institute: Leadership and Self-Deception, 2000). This poses a difficult question: how to deal with our blindness if we don’t know we’re blind? And what if, if we’re honest – for whatever reason – we don’t want to know? An old adage goes: ‘There are none so blind as those that won’t see.’ Ignorance is bliss?

I’ll start with the last question first. If I’m working with a person in coaching or a group in action learning and I sense resistance in this area, I won’t push too hard. It could, for instance, trigger repressed trauma or suppressed anxiety. Instead, I may pose an invitation, e.g. ‘Is this something you would find useful to explore further? What, for you, would be the potential benefits of exploring this, or the potential costs of not exploring it? If you were to explore this, what support or challenge would you need from yourself, me and-or others?’ It’s their call, their choice.

Next to the first question. This touches on a field known as critical reflexivity. It’s like holding up a mirror to ourselves rather than fixing our gaze elsewhere or onto others. We can think of it as something like this: ‘What within me – e.g. in my own past, culture or world – is influencing what I’m thinking, feeling and doing now?’ This could include, for instance, our beliefs, values, hopes, fears and expectations. It could also include hidden vested interests; that is, things we want to protect or preserve and-or to acquire or achieve. Such influences act as subconscious filters.

In coaching and action learning, I work with people and groups to help them learn to pose searching questions to themselves in a spirit of open curiosity and discovery, e.g. ‘Who or what is holding my attention in this relationship or situation? How am I feeling? Who or what am I not-noticing? What assumptions am I making? How is my past influencing my present? Who or what matters most to me now? How might I be evoking this response in the other party? What am I willing to take responsibility for? What do I want or need? ​What am I willing to stop, start, change or compromise?’

The outcomes and benefits of this approach can be truly transformational. It calls for humility, courage, authenticity and a willingness to exercise personal leadership and agency, yet can open up all kinds of fresh possibilities – and hope. Imagine, for instance, to approach an adversary, prayerfully, in the midst of conflict: 'We are in such a mess. I'm sorry...and, as I look at how we got here, I could have handled my part in this better...' It’s a stark contrast to avoidance, accusation and finger-pointing. What a possibility to co-create a different relationship – and a different future.

(See also: Spots; Art of Deception; Stealth)
10 Comments
Christine
4/4/2022 07:06:20 am

A very good article. Thank you. At some point would love to explore in more detail how to handle difficult people.

Reply
Nick Wright
4/4/2022 10:12:49 am

Thank you, Christine. On the question of 'difficult' people, you may find this short related piece interesting - and the conversation it created underneath it: https://www.nick-wright.com/blog/difficult. Let me know what you think?

Reply
John Wilkins
5/4/2022 08:16:42 pm

Hello Nick. I see you are a psychological coach. This may sound like a bit of a strange question, but are there any psychological and practical benefits to blaming?

Reply
Nick Wright
6/4/2022 10:12:54 am

Hi John. Thank you for posting such an interesting and thought-provoking question. That certainly made me think. I read some interesting reflections in a piece by 'Abundance No Limits.com' that looks at some (cynical) motivations for and pay-offs of blaming. Here are some of the points they propose:

"*Blaming resolves the problem easily: In one go, you can avoid all the hassles associated with a mistake by shifting the blame to others.

*Blaming helps you retain the upper hand: By blaming others for your problems, you are consolidating your position as well as weakening the other person’s.

*Blaming allows you to release pent-up emotions: When you blame others, you feel relieved to let out stifled emotions.

*Blaming feeds your ego: When you blame another person, you feel superior to them. You are the good guy here and the other person is the bad guy.

*Blaming protects your reputation: You want to maintain your good reputation. So, you deflect the blame away from yourself and shift the blame onto another person."

This provocative article by David G. Baldwin in Harvest Business Review also poses some interesting insights and ideas on this theme: How to Win the Blame Game: https://hbr.org/2001/07/how-to-win-the-blame-game

Reply
Janice Johnson
5/4/2022 08:42:34 pm

Hi Nick. We learn to blame others from an early age at school. We have stories read to us about heroes and villains. We are taught to like the heroes and dislike the villains. It splits reality into good and bad, innocent and guilty. The bad deserve all the blame. The good don't need to take any of the blame. We identify with the good. That means we feel blameless too.

Reply
Nick Wright
6/4/2022 10:16:59 am

Hi Janice. Thank you for sharing such intriguing psychodynamic insights. It makes me wonder how far our simplistic, binary, personal and cultural ways of thinking are influenced by childhood narratives. As a follower of Jesus, I am always struck by how Jesus challenged people who divided the world neatly into saints and sinners (and who definitely saw themselves as the saints) to engage in critical self-examination, for example:

'Why do you look at the speck in your brother's eye, and pay no attention to the log in your own eye? How dare you say to your brother, ‘Please, let me take that speck out of your eye,’ when you have a log in your own eye? You hypocrite! First take the log out of your own eye, and then you will be able to see clearly to take the speck out of your brother's eye.' (Matthew 7:3ff)

It raises some interesting and important questions about how we enable children to reflect in different ways on the narratives they read, see and hear - without, of course, spoiling the fun, excitement and drama of a great story! :) As adults, we can reflect critically on the influence of childhood narratives in our lives too. On that theme, this short related piece may be of interest? https://www.nick-wright.com/blog/whats-your-story

Reply
Tara Parker link
6/4/2022 01:39:32 pm

Nick,

To err is human and ironically, most may not realize there is more to that quote and isn’t that the very point?

Many do find that making a mistake a reflection of their personality versus using the mistake as a passage into learning. Part of this may come from the consequences learned during our rearing while part of this may be the fear of being judged by a society one exists within. Many are not taught to be okay to make mistakes but to avoid them at all costs because to err is human and also a means to be judged.

For my clients, when they err, I encourage them to speak to the err. Own it. Explore it. They typically hesitate until I explain how I won’t judge them, I’ll listen. With this, the exploration begins.

Society wants a scapegoat, which is why politicians are rarely chastised for blaming others. This goes back to my comment on a previous article of yours about society needing a good guy and a bad guy. When you take the person out of the society, say during a one-to-one coaching moment the ability to “come clean” increases as long as the client knows they won’t be judged.

Society fears judgment and craves acceptance; the person desires development and growth. Ironically, society is the sum of all the people.

You’re spot on; I enjoyed this piece of yours. Well done.

Tara Parker

Reply
Nick Wright
6/4/2022 06:23:32 pm

Thank you, Tara. I think you hit the proverbial nail on the head - that a desire to avoid blame is often associated with a learned underlying fear of failure fear of negative evaluation (judgement): from ourselves and/or others.

You reminded me of another short related piece that I posted recently on 'test and learn': https://www.nick-wright.com/blog/test-and-learn. If we are to accelerate learning in teams and organisations - and adaptivity and innovation with it - we need to foster leadership, teams and cultures that encourage positive risk-taking, and support failure as a route to learning and success, rather than to apportion blame for it.

In case of related interest, I posted a short psychological and theological reflection some years ago on a similar theme: Why is grace so hard: https://www.nick-wright.com/blog/why-is-grace-so-hard

Reply
Hans Vogel
6/4/2022 07:56:52 pm

Sometimes people are wrong. That’s why we blame them.

Reply
Nick Wright
11/4/2022 11:55:13 am

Hi Hans. That is a fair challenge. Yes, people may hold themselves, or be held by others, as accountable for their decisions and actions. If appropriate and handled well, that's often a constructive route to learning, development and change. I think I associate the word 'blame' with chastising someone harshly or unfairly, or deflecting legitimate accountability away from oneself. That has a different feeling and outcome.

Reply



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    ​Nick Wright

    ​I'm a psychological coach, trainer and OD consultant. Curious to discover how can I help you? ​Get in touch!

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