NICK WRIGHT
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Self

2/12/2022

20 Comments

 
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‘Life for him was a mirror in which he saw only himself, rather than a window through which he saw other selves.’ (Martin Luther King)

I heard a psychologist once ask, ‘When you see a group photo with yourself in it, which face do you look for first?’ There are various theories that seek to explain why we seem instinctively to scan for our own face; for example, ‘Do I look how I want to look?’; ‘How do I look compared to other people in the photo?’; ‘If someone else saw this photo, would they think I look interesting and attractive?’ Perhaps it’s sometimes borne out of anxiety, sometimes out of curiosity, sometimes out of vanity.

Some psychologists believe this phenomenon may be rooted in the idea that, for each of us, our self is the essential locus of our direct experience. After all, everything I perceive and experience is from my own standpoint and filtered through and influenced by my own senses, beliefs and values etc. Although different philosophies and cultures hold different notions of self (an intriguing theme explored further by Vivien Burr in Social Constructionism, 2015), it’s still I who am typing this blog.

Martin Luther King (Strength to Love, 1963), reflected on this question of self in relation to Jesus’ parable of a rich fool. He interpreted it spiritually and ethically as a problem of self-centredness and hard-heartedness to God, and to the needs of others. Alexander Betts & Paul Collier (Refuge, 2018) use similar language in their critique of certain dimensions of refugee policy, the product of a ‘heartless head’. The core issue here is not of seeing ourselves. It’s a risk of seeing only ourselves.
20 Comments
Warita
2/12/2022 12:25:30 pm

I can relate your Blog to the most fav song mirror mirror on the wall,who's the fairest..? I'm joyful because I grew up without a mirror in our nipa house and no way of seeing myself and often times I saw beautiful people and I wish one day I can be beautiful as well. So that's maybe that's the reason why in everything I do my heart,my emotion are my basis to comprehend and to communicate because I havent tried looking into the mirror since I was conscious. Even now that Iam grown up mirror is always an option. Maybe if I've tried looking into the mirror when I was young I will always look into myself and love myself more.Thank you coach for the mirror blog it encouraged me to glance into the mirror tonight😉.

Reply
Nick Wright
2/12/2022 12:52:14 pm

Thank you, Warita. Your comment, 'Mirror, mirror on the wall: who's the fairest..?' reminded me of this short related piece on psychological and relational mirroring that you may find interesting? https://www.nick-wright.com/blog/mirror-mirror

I find your sharing from personal experience of having not seen yourself in a literal mirror fascinating. It makes me wonder how much of our sense of self and what decisions we take are influenced by who/what we see in the mirror, what we notice (and not), what judgements we apply etc.

Reply
Anthea Mills
2/12/2022 12:54:38 pm

Hi Nick. As a psychologist I believe a strong sense of self is a critical requisite for healthy development and relationships.

Reply
Nick Wright
2/12/2022 12:55:52 pm

Hi Anthea. I agree. On that theme, this short related piece may be of interest? https://www.nick-wright.com/blog/boundaries

Reply
Wang Xiu 王秀
2/12/2022 01:01:25 pm

In Asia, Nick, we sometimes say 'we' when western people say 'I'. For us, family or community first, individual after.

Reply
Nick Wright
2/12/2022 01:09:26 pm

Hi Xiu. Thank you for sharing such an interesting and important cultural insight. It influences profoundly where we believe the 'essential locus' of identity lays, e.g. within the individual, or within the group.

Reply
Kathrin Hoffmann
2/12/2022 01:23:30 pm

Hi Nick! Sometimes I have to focus on myself to feel good. For example, that I sometimes say no when I am asked to do too many tasks. But I'm not only allowed to see myself, my wishes, demands and needs, but also that other people also have needs that are good for them. And this is exactly where I would like to learn more about myself: I want to see myself less and less at the center and more and more the others. I want to learn to put my desires second and support others with their desires for their well-being. It's not always easy and I can't expect others to do the same to me.

Reply
Nick Wright
2/12/2022 05:51:56 pm

Hi Kathrin and thanks for responding so personally. Some recent research suggests there's a correlation between strengthening sense of self and setting-holding personal boundaries. It sounds like you are managing those boundaries well and, at the same time, choosing to look outwards to the needs of others.

Reply
Steve Dwire
2/12/2022 03:08:21 pm

Good observation. This reminds me of another observation often attributed to C. S. Lewis - that humility is not thinking less of ourselves, it's thinking of ourselves less.

Self-awareness is important, but as you point out, awareness of others is crucial, too.

Thanks for sharing this.

Reply
Nick Wright
2/12/2022 05:42:36 pm

Thank you, Steve. Wow - I really like that quotation from C.S. Lewis! :)

Reply
June Webb
2/12/2022 05:35:45 pm

The self is socially constructed as we are relational creatures. If we are God centred we become both/and, we embody both our unique personhood and the ground of our being.

Reply
Nick Wright
2/12/2022 05:41:09 pm

Hi June. Interesting thoughts. In social constructionism, the self is socially-constructed, and the notion of 'self' itself is socially-constructed too. Deep. On that theme, you may find this short piece interesting? https://www.nick-wright.com/blog/more-than-words-can-say

Reply
Patrick Dyer
2/12/2022 05:54:17 pm

Interesting article Nick. If we have a clear sense of self, we're more able to exercise personal agency.

Reply
Nick Wright
2/12/2022 05:55:32 pm

Thank you, Patrick. I agree wholeheartedly.

Reply
Ali Ferdinand
2/12/2022 05:56:54 pm

Hi Patrick, Nick. What's "personal agency"?

Nick Wright
2/12/2022 06:05:01 pm

Hi Ali. Good question. We can think of agency as 'choice + action' to influence change. This short related piece says a bit more about it: https://www.nick-wright.com/blog/agent-of-change

Alex
3/12/2022 08:37:23 am

Thanks Nick
Insightful and challenging.
It reminds me too of studies on compassion that show one of the biggest obstacles to people showing compassion to strangers in public, is about self - essentially, which group is it best for me to identify myself with? Those walking by or those getting involved?
Humbling challenging stuff. Thanks Nick

Reply
Nick Wright
3/12/2022 10:32:07 am

Thank you, Alex. Your reflections reminded me of Jesus' parable of the 'good Samaritan' (Luke 10:25-37). Who and what we identify as influence who and what we identify with.

On the Samaritan theme, you may find a couple of short related pieces interesting? One is based on Jasmin in the Philippines; the other on a group of Christian bikers that I identify with(!):

https://www.nick-wright.com/blog/samarita
https://www.nick-wright.com/samaritans-donkey.html

Reply
Mark Walton
3/12/2022 11:49:31 pm

The core issue here is not of seeing ourselves. It’s a risk of seeing only ourselves. That made me stop and think, Nick.

Reply
Nick Wright
3/12/2022 11:51:03 pm

Hi Mark. It made me stop and think too as I wrote it. It challenges me to examine my own life, priorities and decisions.

Reply



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    ​Nick Wright

    ​I'm a psychological coach, trainer and OD consultant. Curious to discover how can I help you? ​Get in touch!

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