Learning silence

4/7/2023

‘In silence there is eloquence. Stop weaving – and see how the pattern improves.’ (Rumi)

In a culture of noise, in the midst of clamouring voices seeking cut-through in the public space, the notion of silence can feel strange, unsettling, counter-intuitive. We may have learned, discerned, that she or he who speaks loudest is heard. Yet silence, too, can be deafening. When we stop, pause, breathe, all that lay buried, hidden, beneath the surface may rise, unexpectedly and uninvitedly, into awareness. It can feel like, all of a sudden, our every thought or feeling is screaming for attention.

Perhaps unsurprisingly, we often avoid silence, resist making space for it, or fill our minds, hearts and bodies with all kinds of stimuli to hold it at a safe distance. It may feel better, more familiar, to stay busy, then to complain with self-justification that we have no time. Coaching and action learning, or prayer, can feel like slamming the brakes on, or like sliding into weird slow motion, to allow the questions we don’t ask to sink deep. Yet, in silence, we may find revelation. We may discover peace.

18 Comments

Marion Butler

5/7/2023 09:34:09 am

I'm an NHS manager Nick. I'm exhausted. The pressures are relentless. I don't know how I can sustain this. How can I find silence when there's no time for silence? There's not enough time to do everything I already have to do. Thoughts?

Nick Wright

5/7/2023 09:52:07 am

Hi Marion. Thanks for such an honest response. Yes, I work with a number of health and social care managers at the moment who are describing very similar experiences and expressing very similar concerns. It sounds harmful, painful and exhausting.

I have worked in similar environments with similar pressures. I can remember once leaning across my desk with pains in my chest. On another occasion, I stood in front of a mirror taking deep breaths with feelings of panic. I couldn't imagine how I could continue...and survive!

It's not sustainable. I attended a seminar by Archibald D. Hart (author of 'Adrenaline and Stress') who described the actual physiological and mental health consequences of relentlessly pressing on like this. It was very sobering. I had to make some assertive life choices.

I don't know of any easy answers, but these short pieces may spark some insights and ideas? https://www.nick-wright.com/blog/pit-stop; https://www.nick-wright.com/blog/work-life; https://www.nick-wright.com/blog/pause; https://www.nick-wright.com/blog/out-of-the-building

Amanda Jones

5/7/2023 09:36:59 am

Nick. Love that Rumi quote!!

5/7/2023 09:54:45 am

Thanks Amanda. It reminded me of the White Rabbit in Alice in Wonderland: 'Don't just do something - stand there!'

(see: https://www.nick-wright.com/blog/pause)

Ed Jarvis

5/7/2023 09:57:54 am

Hi Nick. I followed your deafening link to your silent retreat blog. I can so relate to that! I fill my prayer times with words. The church I belong to does that too. It's like we can't bear silence. I wonder what would happen if we really stopped and listened?

5/7/2023 10:06:34 am

Thanks Ed. I can relate to what you have described too. It reminded me of a time, many years ago, when a close friend and I decided to spend 1 hour a week, sitting in our local Baptist church in silence, at night, with only a lit candle in the room. Sometimes, the hour passed in what felt like just moments. At other times, it felt like it would never end. I had been inspired by Charles de Foucauld to simply sit, or kneel, and stay there in silence, irrespective of how peaceful, bored or distracted I felt. On the whole, it was a beautiful experience: simply to gaze at God in the silence, and to feel his gaze on us too.

Stan Fisher

5/7/2023 10:35:42 am

Hi Nick. I'm new to action learning. I'm the facilitator. It's a great group. It's also a talkative group. I sometimes think the presenter doesn't have enough time to think! Too many questions. Help!

5/7/2023 10:39:58 am

Hi Stan. That's a great question. It sounds like a very enthusiastic group! I will sometimes ask the presenter to let the group know when they feel ready for a next question, and ask the group to hold silence until the presenter indicates that they are ready. It takes discipline, but it enables the presenter to pace themselves and to avoid a 'popcorn questions' effect. :)

5/7/2023 11:31:09 am

Good advice. I’ll give that a go. Cheers Nick.

5/7/2023 11:32:18 am

Thanks Stan. You’re welcome.

Elizabeth Humphreys

5/7/2023 11:35:57 am

I talk too much in my coaching sessions. I think it’s because I’m trying too hard to be helpful. You’ve got me thinking. I need to get more comfortable with silence. It feels awkward for me but perhaps it doesn’t for the person I’m coaching. Perhaps they need silence more than my questions. Sometimes. Thank you, Nick.

5/7/2023 11:44:04 am

Hi Elizabeth. I love the honesty in your reflections. I’ve noticed how often I’m able to think things through for myself if another person simply gives me their attention. The mysterious power of presence. It’s much harder to do it on my own. If a client needs space, time and silence, I’ve noticed my well-intentioned words can become an interference. I’m learning to ask the other person, or group, what they need, what they would find useful.

Corinne Chege

5/7/2023 02:36:02 pm

Some people need silence more than others. Introverts and reflectors need silence to think and to recharge their batteries. Silence can drive extroverts crazy. They need to talk to think.

5/7/2023 02:41:09 pm

Hi Corinne. That’s a fair point, and I agree. I remember a wise psychologist once say to me: ‘A minute of silence can feel like seconds for an introvert and an eternity for an extrovert.’ On that theme, you may find this related short piece resonates?

https://www.nick-wright.com/blog/preference

Jerry Hall

11/7/2023 04:53:57 pm

Great article, Nick.

11/7/2023 04:54:50 pm

Hi Jerry. Thanks for the encouraging feedback!

Raiyan Ahmed

25/7/2023 07:00:32 pm

Great post, Nick! The power of silence in transformation is indeed fascinating. It's amazing how pausing, reflecting, and truly listening can spark innovative ideas and bring about meaningful change. I couldn't agree more - silence speaks volumes in driving impactful transformations.

25/7/2023 07:02:26 pm

Hi Raiyan and thanks for such encouraging feedback! Yes, there is power in silence, and yet how hard we seem to find or create it in the midst of busy personal or organisational life.