 ‘Rather than give instructions as declarations, we can offer invitations that increase agency.’ (David A. Treleaven) Leading today’s workshop with 15 trauma-informed practice (TIP) professionals in the UK was an inspiring experience. Focusing on leading and influencing change, we looked at how to role model TIP principles when seeking to embed it in organisational practice. The 5 core TIP principles we focused on are: safety, choice, collaboration, empowerment and trust. In my experience, if we try to superimpose TIP onto staff, teams or users of services in a way that lacks congruence with these principles, it can lead to scepticism, cynicism or resistance. This may be a particular and inadvertent risk if we are fired up with the TIP vision and, in our enthusiasm, forget that others may be in a very different starting place to our own. A more effective approach can be to engage, where possible, in authentic dialogue with key stakeholders. For instance, ‘If we were to introduce TIP in this service… (a) what would that mean for you and, in light of that (b) what would you need?’ It invites participation, helps ensure others feel heard and understood and offers the potential to co-create optimal solutions.
0 Comments
 ‘This is what un-fawning often looks like in the beginning: telling a radical truth we didn’t think we could tell – a risk that feels bigger than we might survive.’ (Ingrid Clayton) Fawn was new to me – a 4th relational defensive routine that sits alongside Fight, Flight or Freeze. To Fawn is to appease or placate in an attempt to avoid or minimise hurt or harm when faced with a perceived threat. It’s a form of people-pleasing in the hope that another person or group may like, accept or reward me. In that sense, it’s a behaviour that’s designed subtly to manipulate the behaviour of another party for my own survival or to my own advantage. We don’t have to look too far for tangible examples. Notice, for instance, international political leaders queuing up to grovel before the new US President, once he was appointed, to avoid his disapproval or to secure his favour. That was Fawning on overdrive. Such a public display of sycophantic and demeaning behaviour felt quite nauseating at times, reminding me of an old cartoon where, on seeing Odie the dog follow Jon the owner’s every command, Garfield the cat grabs Odie by the ears, pulls his face towards him and asks in dismay, ‘Where’s your self respect?!’ Yet I can see it in my own behaviour too. In my younger days when I faced the critical, bullying or forceful behaviour of others, I often tried to win them over as a kind of anxiety-reducing strategy. I might have found myself flattering them, not from a sense of authentic appreciation but in a hope it might reduce a risk or boost my standing before them. Over time, I’ve learned to be more assertive and I’ve discovered it sometimes does carry a cost. The other party may well escalate a conflict, yet I need to stand my ground. Would you like help with un-fawning and becoming more assertive? Get in touch!  ‘A stone resists the wind, no matter how small it is.’ (Matshona Dhliwayo) Every now and again I witness a presentation that leaves me feeling incredibly humbled and inspired. This evening in Germany, I heard Christian Kerstin Weiss speak on her remarkable work in the Eastern region of the Democratic Republic of the Congo (DRC). Kirstin paid an honouring tribute to the equally-remarkable local people of the DRC who demonstrate faith, hope and resilience in the face of incredibly difficult and, at times, terrifying circumstances. It made me wonder how deep my own faith in Jesus Christ is.  'You are the hope of the nation!' (Jasmin in the Philippines) What a fantastic group of Philippines students this morning. These young people are nearing graduation and keen to learn from experienced leaders as they consider their own futures. I found their questions to me interesting and stimulating, for instance: ‘How did you find Jesus in a way that has had such a profound impact in your life?’ ‘Do you ever feel scared when you travel to work in different countries?’ ‘How do you prepare yourself before you work with different cultures?’ ‘What part does listening to others play in relation to exercising personal agency?’ 'What qualities of leadership have made the greatest difference in your work?' 'How do you manage the demands of others who might expect too much from you?' I shared evocative, challenging and inspiring quotations from Rutger Bregman, Leo Rosten, Richard Bach, Dead Poets Society (movie), Mother Teresa, Martin Luther King and Jasmin (in the Philippines), as well as brief glimpses from my own life and leadership. I'm excited to see what emerges during the next 4 webinars this week.  ‘You’re not doing anyone any favours if you don’t allow snowflakes to develop coping skills, by shielding them from uncomfortable truths.’ (Oliver Markus Malloy) Today, I took part in a fascinating and thought-provoking ALA webinar called, ‘But it’s too hard! – Shifting Next Generation Talent from Dependency and Resentment to Independence.’ It challenged a pejorative view held by many in my own generation – the ‘snowflake’ allegation that so many young people are entitled, demanding and perceive themselves as fragile. One of the speakers, Daisy Bland, offered interesting reflections on the tension and disconnect between some young people’s expectations of ‘how the world will treat me’, vs reality. Where do these expectations come from? She offered one possibility as the transition from school, college or university institutions steeped in ‘safe space’ culture, to a professional workplace. The other speaker, Charlotte Snowdon, built on this insight by emphasising the gap between expectation and environment – hence the frequent ‘culture shock’ at-work experience. How to enable young people to commit, engage and succeed through challenge with support, to make the shift from passive (or hurt, or resentful) to become confident, capable and resilient contributors? To support next generation talent learn to deal with anxiety, leaders can normalise experiences like ‘not-knowing’ by facing uncertainty and complexity with transparency, humility and courage, not shrinking back in fear. Coaching and action learning can play an important role here too, enabling young people to discover and release their strengths, resourcefulness and potential.  ‘Carpe diem – Seize the day. Make your lives extraordinary.’ (Dead Poets Society) As I head off to Germany this weekend, my head is already filled with thoughts about a Future Leaders’ Programme, inspired by Jasmin, that I’ll be running for students in the Philippines next week alongside good friends: Eugene D’Cruz in Malaysia, Peirong Lin in Germany, Smita Singh in India and Mike Wilson in the UK. I’ll focus on Personal Leadership; Eugene on Gen Z Leadership; Peirong on Spiritual Leadership; Smita on EI Leadership and Mike on Visionary Leadership. It’s exciting to be part of this brand-new initiative that seeks to inspire graduating students to look inwards, upwards and outwards as they imagine and approach their futures. Who knows, after all, what part they could play in transforming Filipino society and beyond? Jasmin’s vision is to invest in real people, the poor. She prays in faith and hope, then looks to see who or what may emerge. I feel privileged to be involved and grateful to these friends for their unequivocal support.  ‘You’re about to throw your life away…but it’s not too late.’ (Rutger Bregman) I started reading Moral Ambition: Stop Wasting Your Talent and Start Making a Difference this weekend and was immediately struck by Rutger Bregman’s direct, challenging and inspiring message to his readers. It’s an urgent call to make ethical choices in life and careers – and to radical activism so that life counts for something meaningful and worthwhile. According to Bregman, the worst-case scenario is to leave this life and world as if you were never here. I stumbled across this book by accident, or by divine Providence, while looking for something else. It’s perfect timing because I’m in the midst of preparing a seminar for students in the Philippines who are approaching graduation. Jasmin's hope (the leader who invited me to do the talk) is, with God’s help, to light a spark of inspiration in these young people that will alter the focus and trajectory of their lives and, through them, perhaps, transform Filipino society. As I prepare this talk, I cast my mind back to my own life as a teenager when, at 17, I read Richard Bach’s Jonathan Livingstone Seagull. It’s an allegory that provokes the reader to reflect hard on their own life. ‘Most gulls don't bother to learn more than the simplest facts of flight – how to get from shore to food and back again.’ Jonathan, the seagull star of the book, refuses to settle with mundane mediocrity and breaks from the crowd to do something extraordinary. Flashforward many years later now to a talk I was invited to do for a local University of the Third Age group. I shared glimpses of my own life, starting with an encounter with Jonathan and set on fire when I discovered Jesus. When I had finished speaking, a queue of people formed. Over and again, they told me with tears in their eyes that they had felt similar prompts in their own lives yet had suppressed or ignored them. They played it safe and now were filled with regret. Richard Bach: ‘A test to find whether your mission on Earth is finished: If you're alive it isn't.’ Want to discover your life purpose and to live it in practice? Get in touch!  'A co-active conversation has certain beliefs built into it: that every situation has possibilities and that people really do have the power of choice.’ (Henry Kimsey-House) This morning’s Foundation Coaching workshop included enthusiastic participants in Burkina Faso, Malawi, Pakistan and the UK. The underlying principle was how to view any coaching relationship as a ‘designed alliance’ (Laura Whitworth). It’s about doing-with, not doing-to. Unlike in management or mentoring conversations, the person receiving coaching sits in the driving seat with the coach as facilitator alongside them as they navigate their own journey. The person receiving coaching sets the coaching agenda, e.g. ‘This is the issue I’d like to think through’, or ‘This is the goal I’d like to achieve’. They also determine how the conversation itself will take place, e.g. ‘I’d like to decide specific coaching topics in advance’, or ‘I’d like to go with the flow and see what insights or ideas emerge on route.’ In this way, the coach is called to work adaptively and creatively with different people in whatever ways they will find most useful. Would you like to work with a coach? Get in touch!  ‘Lord, heal me of this malady of lust…but not yet.’ (Saint Augustine) The Stanford Marshmallow Test was a famous experiment to help understand people’s ability to hold out against temptation. In its original form, it was particularly interested in the notion of delayed gratification and its impacts. For instance, if a person were able effectively to resist short term gratification in pursuit of a longer-term goal, would that improve their chances of success in life? The outcomes are still being studied today. The initial results appeared to show that, yes, a person’s ability to exercise self-control had a correspondingly positive effect in life as a whole. If, for instance, I were able to avoid spending money on trivial items in order to save up for something that’s more important to me, I’m more likely to achieve that goal. I can see it in my own life. I worked hard and saved every penny to buy a motorcycle for my 16th birthday – and I achieved it. In later years, further refined versions of the same Test showed that people are more likely to be disciplined in exercising self-control if (a) they engage with positive distractions from the immediate sources of temptation and (b) they believe their longer-term goal has a realistic chance of success. The latter is particularly significant because it points beyond individual self-control to the critical influence of a wider enabling environment. So, if I have a compelling goal, a hope, an aspiration in mind and believe that, if I am willing to hold out and stay focused on it and do whatever it takes (within my means and, for me, with the help of God) to achieve it, I am more likely to achieve it. If for whatever reason, however, I believe my circumstances dictate that I have little realistic prospect of achieving it, my ability to persist in the face of temptation will be far more difficult. In view of this, in relation to personal agency, ‘The opportunity to make effective personal choices is highly unequal.’ (Robert A. Dahl). If a person is struggling with self-control, it could be they lack sufficiently-motivating vision or values that would make the effort of self-control worthwhile; they don't have effective life distractions or networks of support; or they just can’t believe (perhaps justifiably) their goal is genuinely possible. Are you struggling to achieve your goals? Curious to discover how I can help you? Get in touch!  ‘One person can do unbelievable things. All it takes is that one person who's willing to risk everything to make it happen.’ (Sam Childers) A courageous policewoman made national headlines last week for defending freedom of speech in London. It was remarkable for a whole host of reasons. Firstly, the surprise of seeing the police defending rather than suppressing free speech (the latter in the name of ‘community cohesion’), was a refreshing contrast to widespread incidents in recent years that have led to loud cries of ‘Police the streets, not the tweets.’ Secondly, the calmness, reasonableness and professionalism with which she, as a woman, was able to confront a group of angry men. I kept watching the video and thinking, Wow – I hope I could hold my stance in situations like that with her degree of composure. Thirdly, the even-handed way in which she stated her case, upholding the rights of free speech of those who challenged her as well as those of the person they opposed. It was very different to 2-tier policing that has caused so much damage to police credibility in the UK. Let’s hope she’s a bright symbol of a whole new approach. Respect. [Concerned about free speech in the UK? Consider joining the Free Speech Union] |
Nick WrightI'm a psychological coach, trainer and OD consultant. Curious to discover how can I help you? Get in touch! 
Like what you read? Simply enter your email address below to receive regular blog updates!
|
RSS Feed