‘Without reflection, we go blindly on our way, creating more unintended consequences and failing to achieve anything useful.’ (Margaret J. Wheatley) Pause, breathe. Slow down to speed up. Make better decisions faster. It feels paradoxical. Take time out of the quick fire, the cut and thrust norms of work. ‘I don’t have time’, you might say, ‘I’m too busy.’ True. Unless it's an emergency: if you’re ‘too busy’, you are too busy. Crisis mode is fit for crises. Like driving over the red line, it’s unsustainable for prolonged periods. Risks and consequences: impaired thinking, delayed responses, poor decision-making, stress, burnout, crash. Is there a solution..? Coaching and action learning enter the stage. What’s that about? Optimal space for optimal pace. Like taking energy drinks while running, like refuelling in mid-flight. Take a moment, an impactful question, a critical reflection: dust settles and you see more clearly. You think more deeply and more broadly. You notice who and what you’re not-noticing. You enhance your resilience and your resourcefulness. You grow in insight. You fulfil your potential. You achieve your goals. Curious to discover how I can help you? Get in touch!
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‘The difference between a stumbling block and a stepping stone is not in the event itself but in how you think about it and what you do after it.’ (Michael Josephson) I was coaching an inspiring business entrepreneur in Southeast Asia last week. She’s avidly developing a social enterprise to benefit the poorest people in her local community by providing them with affordable nutritious food and invaluable employment opportunities. I’m impressed by her compassion for those who are vulnerable and her vision to bring hope. She’s a follower of Jesus and sees this as her distinctive calling. It’s not an easy environment in which to make headway and there are lots of barriers on route. Three months into this venture, she’s reached a point where the question that now faces her is how to scale-up to reach and benefit more people. It’s a tricky challenge to navigate. We looked at different options with their relative pros and cons alongside them. The dilemma lays in how to generate sufficient resources to create the investments needed to make the leap, along with the associated financial risks if things don’t work out as planned. And that with very little to fall back on apart from her faith in God. She settled on the idea of a stepping stone: a fridge-freezer that would enable her to save unsold stock and broaden the range of items available. Having bought it, however, an envious neighbour immediately and anonymously notified the health department that she was cooking in her own home. Officials visited the very next day and insisted she make expensive changes to her kitchen before she may continue. The stepping stone became a stumbling block. So now – how turn a setback into a step forward..? The test here is less one of situational circumstances per se and more one of resourcefulness and resilience. I’m reminded of Michael Jordan’s words, ‘Obstacles don’t have to stop you. If you run into a wall, don’t turn around and give up. Figure out how to climb it, dig under it, go through it or work around it.’ This young woman studied psychology, has fire in her spirit and won’t give up easily. She prays hard, thinks creatively and is absolutely determined to find or innovate a way through this. She will succeed. ‘Leadership is influence.’ (John C. Maxwell) It’s one thing to have insight. It’s another thing to exert influence on the basis of that insight. This is often a dilemma for leaders and professionals when seeking to influence change across dynamic, complex systems and relationships. After all, what if I can see something important, something that could make a significant difference, yet I can’t gain access to key decision-makers? Or what if, even if I can get access, they’re not willing to listen? What if people are so preoccupied by other issues that my message is drowned out by louder voices and I can’t achieve cut-through? Early in my career, I worked as OD lead in an international non-governmental organisation that was about to embark on radical change. I’d studied OD at university on a masters’ degree course and, based on that experience, could foresee critical risks in what the leadership was planning to do. I tried hard to get access to raise the red flags but, by the time I met with the leaders, it was too late. They had already fired the starting gun on their chosen programme. My concerns turned out to be well-founded, and the changes almost wrecked the organisation. I agonised for some time over why I’d been so ineffective at influencing their decisions. I learned some valuable lessons. Firstly, the view I held of my role – the contribution I could bring – was different to that of the leaders. I viewed myself as consultant whereas they viewed me as service provider. Secondly, the leaders had become so emotionally-invested in the change they had designed that they reacted defensively if challenged. They saw my well-meaning red flags as resistance rather than as a genuine desire to help. I would need to change my approach. Since then, I have practised building human-professional relationships with leaders and other stakeholders from the earliest opportunity. These relationships are built on two critical factors: firstly, respect for e.g. the studies, training, expertise and lived experience they bring to the table; and, secondly, empathy for e.g. the responsibilities, hopes, demands and expectations they face – both inside and outside of work. Against this backdrop, I’m able to pray, share my own insights and, where needed, advocate a change from an intention and base of support. ‘True leadership stems from individuality that is honestly and sometimes imperfectly expressed. Leaders should strive for authenticity over perfection.’ (Sheryl Sandberg) An Indian colleague, Veena, spoke with me this week about her approach to life and relationships: ‘Always remember that light travels faster than sound’. First impressions can make lasting impressions. People will make instinctive and intuitive judgements based on what they perceive, encounter and experience in us: before they hear the words we speak. If our words are consistent with our conduct and behaviour, it will build trust. If inconsistent, if they somehow don’t ring true, they will smack of inauthenticity or, worse, hypocrisy. Actions often speak louder than words. It’s a serious caution to avoid a façade and a deep call to model congruence and integrity. This theme often arises when I’m coaching or training leaders and managers in leading and influencing change. They often feel as if they need to put on a front, a brave face, to act the part of a clear and confident leader if they are to establish credibility in role. They may believe they need to act, too, as if they have the answer to every question, to avoid being exposed as not-knowing or incompetent. They may want to present a Henry V persona, a strong and courageous leader, to inspire strength and confidence in others in the midst of complexity, uncertainty and change. They may seek coaching, mentoring or training to hide and mask their own anxieties well. This presents a dilemma. On the one hand, there are times (such as crises) in which leaders need to present themselves as visionary and confident: ‘We will get through this.’ This kind of stance and conviction can have a significant influence on the psychological and emotional state and decisions of those they hope will engage and follow. If, however, it sounds hollow or inappropriate to the situation at hand, it’s likely to have the opposite effect. In view of this, I prepare myself, not just my words, so that what I speak is (I hope) genuine, real and true. I do this by creating a breathing space to focus on prayer, presence and participation before I step into the room. How do you do it? ‘I have always felt that ultimately along the way of life an individual must stand up and be counted and be willing to face the consequences, whatever they are. If we are filled with fear, we cannot do it. And my great prayer is always that God will save me from the paralysis of crippling fear, because I think when a person lives with the fear of the consequences for their personal life, they can never do anything in terms of lifting the whole of humanity.’ (Martin Luther King) I know that fear. I have sometimes experienced it as a vague, background yet seemingly ever-present existential angst. At other times, it has been a response to a specific perceived threat, whether real or imagined, that triggers an anxious feeling. At such times I have learned…and I’m still learning…to pause, breathe, pray and try not to panic. Fight-flight-freeze is an instinctive rather than reflective response that can leave us feeling stressed, powerless and stranded. A real challenge is how to avoid feeding that fear. We may play out all kinds of catastrophic scenarios in the imagination, an endless list of what-if scenarios, amplifying our worst anxieties. We may avoid people, situations or relationships, a kind of flight response, to avoid the risk of our fears actually materialising. Our world may become smaller as we shrink back, self-protect, attempt to keep ourselves safe from harm. (And sometimes that’s a price worth paying.) In his astonishing autobiography, however, Martin Luther King recounts the way he found to face the dangers (which included relentless physical threats, bombing of his home and, ultimately, assassination) – inherent to his calling to address deep-rooted social injustice – and yet still to persevere. It was to face directly his fear of death before God and, by faith, to let go of that fear. That released him to be the remarkable and courageous role model we still admire today. ‘Learning is a treasure that will follow its owner everywhere.’ (Chinese proverb) Action Learning facilitator training with different participant groups always surfaces fresh and fascinating insights, emphases and challenges. This week’s ALA training programme was with a group of health professionals in diverse roles and fields of practice ranging from nursing, occupational therapy and podiatry to mental health, speech and language and education. I was inspired by their enthusiasm, personal ethics and genuine commitment to culture change. As we worked through Action Learning principles and techniques and how to enable groups to do it well, we explored 5 shift areas to facilitate a transition: from diagnosis to elicitation; from issue to person; from there-and-then to here-and-now; from first questions to follow-up questions; from reflection to agency. I’ll say a little about each of these dimensions with some practical examples below. The goal in each is to enhance participants’ learning and impact. From diagnosis to elicitation is a shift in who owns the issue from, say, ‘Tell me more about X so I can help you?’ to e.g. ‘What questions is X raising for you?’ From issue to person is a shift in focus from, say, ‘What’s the situation?’ to e.g. ‘What challenge is this situation posing for you?’ From there-and-then to here-and-now is a shift in temporal orientation from, say, ‘What have you tried?’ to e.g. ‘Given what you have tried, what stands out as the critical issue now?’ From first questions to follow-up questions is a shift in depth to move below and beyond, say, ‘How important is this to you?’ to e.g. ‘Given how important this is to you, what are you willing to risk?’ From reflection to agency represents a shift in traction from, say, ‘What sense are you making of this?’ to e.g. ‘What actions will you take to address this?’ A skill of the facilitator is to build the capacity of an Action Learning set to navigate these shifts in service of a presenter. ‘Life begins at the end of your comfort zone.’ (Neale Donald Walsch) Well, that was a sprint. To run an Action Learning taster seminar and workshop for 9 participants from 9 different countries within a brief 90-minute window. Yet wow. The participants, expert university educators affiliated with Engineers Without Borders, were great. For some, Action Learning was familiar. For some, it was totally new. Their goal was to weigh up whether Action Learning could be a useful approach to enable students in small peer groups to grapple with complexity – particularly by developing their critical reflection and action planning skills. I enjoyed the energy and diverse insights in the group. As experts, a common challenge in Action Learning is how to offer questions for exploration that don’t inadvertently guide the person at the centre towards solutions. It’s about how to enable that person to discover or create their own actions that would be meaningful and effective for them in their own context. As if to illustrate this principle, the opening speaker at the event was from Cambodia – a country with a very painful history and where cultural nuances are best understood by those with lived experience. Building on this principle, we looked at the immense potential of diversity in an Action Learning group. If I recognise that I don’t really know or understand your context, I’m less likely to offer you suggestions and more likely to ask you open questions from fresh angles that you may never have considered before. In this sense, peers’ not-knowing can be of distinct benefit to the person thinking through an issue…and quite a contrast for the others in the group to the normal roles and expectations they may hold as experts. I left for home today feeling humbled and inspired. ‘The medical model doesn’t perfectly fit mental health – and it confuses a lot of people.’ (Emma McAdam) Is mental health all in the mind? I don’t think so, but I do believe we’re sometimes getting a bit lost in how we think about and approach it. Take Sam. He’s 27, talented and full of potential. Yet Sam often finds himself these days feeling jittery and irritable and struggling to concentrate. His partner finds his mood swings and erratic behaviour increasingly difficult to cope with. Feeling concerned, she took him recently to see his GP who referred him for a mental health assessment. The assessor asked Sam briefly over the phone to describe his symptoms, diagnosed his state as ADHD and recommended prescription medication to resolve it. Now step back with me for a moment. Consider human factors that lead to a sense of mental, emotional and physical well-being, and which can influence a corresponding felt-experience of unwellness if persistently absent in our lives. Things such as: safety and security; sense of purpose; engaging in positive and meaningful human relationships; ability and opportunity to exercise free choices; feeling of making a valued contribution in the world, especially for the benefit of others; achieving something worthwhile; fresh air; change of scenery; prayer, intimacy; sex; physical exercise; personal hygiene; laughter; diet; sleep; rest. Sam stays mostly indoors; sleeps until mid-afternoon; rarely washes; spends all night, every night, playing intense computer games; eats junk food; lives on high-caffeine energy drinks. He did have a job for 2 weeks at a call centre but resigned because he felt unhappy dealing with customer complaints. He has now been unemployed for some time and lives on state benefits. From a psychological and relational perspective, we could view ‘feeling jittery and irritable and struggling to concentrate’ as natural outcomes of Sam’s lifestyle choices, not as a pathological dysfunction requiring medication. Social prescribing could be a healthier response. ‘Clear your mental cache.’ (Gleb Tsipursky) An anchor holds a floating vessel in place to stop it drifting away from where we want it to be. There are many things that could cause it to move, such as a sea tide or river current, so the anchor acts, in effect, as a grounding mechanism. It provides a sense of stability and security in the midst of potential turbulence or unsettling waves. There are parallels, psychologically, in early formative experiences that can influence what we perceive, value and choose as we move through life. These phenomena – often significant people, events, objects or relationships – can form something like anchors in our psyche. They become iconic, or ideal types, that shape our hopes and dreams. A risk is that we place undue value on these anchors in our decisions here and now. This is known in psychology as anchor bias or anchor effect. For example, the first motorbike I fell in love with was a Daytona-yellow Yamaha RD400DX. It has been, since, the bike I always remember most passionately and the standard against which I measure all other bikes. If I were to ride one now, however, the reality may lay far from the idealised fantasy I’ve created over time. I’ve changed a lot over the years and so have motorcycles. I’m older and its vibrating 2-stroke engine might irritate me now. I might feel dismay at its near-lethal early disc brakes or its propensity to rust every time it gets wet. This can happen in relationships too. The first person we fell in love with may become idealised. We may remember vividly the things we loved about them and ignore or forget the things that hurt or annoyed us. We may subconsciously erase or minimise the factors that led to a break-up. As a consequence, we may seek to rediscover or recreate these same idealised qualities in another person or relationship then face hurt, frustration or disappointment when we don’t find them. A solution lays in: recognise our anchors; be aware of our idealising human tendency; learn to see, value and embrace new people, relationships and experiences for who and what they are – in their own unique right. ‘Anyone can be a Father – but it takes someone special to be a Dad.’ (Wade Boggs) Father’s Day will feel very different this year. My Dad died recently and, no matter how old a person is when they pass away, to me he was still my Dad. That gave him a unique place in my life and a special relationship in my world of experience. To be honest, on reflection, I don’t think I ever knew my Dad that well. Yes, we shared lots of different times together over the years and I have all kinds of memories of him, but that’s not the same as…really…knowing…someone. He came from a generation that didn’t really disclose or expose deep feelings. As a child, I looked up to him as a strong, dependable figure in my life: someone I respected, sometimes from a relative relational distance. He was a motorbike fanatic and had a significant influence on my love for motorcycles and motorcycling, as he did on my brothers too. He was great at DIY – a talent that, sadly, I didn’t inherit from him – and could build or repair just about anything. I hadn’t really realised until we were preparing for his eulogy that I had never heard him once speak badly about anyone. He was a man of integrity and kept his silence. Two weeks before Dad died, I was called back urgently from Germany. He had had a fall, with complications, and the doctors didn’t expect him to survive. I raced to the hospital and, thank God, had time with him. He was vulnerable. I stayed overnight, tried my best to advocate for him and fed him gently when he could no longer feed himself. I plucked up the courage to tell him, for the first time, that I loved him. He told me, for the first time, that he loved me too. The day before he died, he whispered, ‘Thank you for everything you have done.’ I cried. I had never felt closer to him than in those precious, painful moments. A beautiful sadness. Dad – I will never forget you. |
Nick WrightI'm a psychological coach, trainer and OD consultant. Curious to discover how can I help you? Get in touch! Like what you read? Simply enter your email address below to receive regular blog updates!
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